(Closed) Having trouble letting go

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
4314 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I don’t know that you need to deal with it.  He does.  Why does he not have a frank conversation with his mother?

Post # 4
Member
94 posts
Worker bee

Oh, girl I feel for you. My SO’s mom isn’t directly pushy, but she makes this sad face and you feel terrible telling her no. When we moved out a few months ago (and we’re only about ten minutes away now!) she started showing up with things we “need”, popping in for random dinners, and calling him every weekend because she needs help doing simple things around the house.

He’s a nice guy, so he almost always says yes, but we talked about it more recently and both agreed that it’s not exactly a normal relationship. She wants us over for dinner at least once a week too, and it seriously interferes with our schedule, time with friends, etc., especially considering we both work full time.

It’s hard, but I would recommend setting boundaries as soon as possible. Last time SO’s mom popped in, I was in a towel since I just got out of the shower. She looked startled, and was like “Oh, sorry!” I politely asked her to call next time. We also turned down dinner last night – but I had to make him do it. If she thinks you’re the one saying no she might start to resent you “keeping him from her”. Just my two cents – good luck!

Post # 5
Member
9613 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

It’s going to take some time.  When I first met my FI he had moved in with his mother (she’s 84) to take care of her since his dad had passed away and all of his siblings live hours away.  When he moved in with me there was an adjustment period for her, big time.  Luckily for us (most of the time, anyway) she lives right around the corner from us so we can spend a lot of time with her and still care for her. 

At first he went over to her house every single day and it drove me nuts.  He would also come home feeling a little down because of the guilt trip thing.  He felt so torn!  But I told him that I would never want him to abandon her and that I would help him in any way possible to care for her.  I let him know I understood his feelings and was there for him. 

I also told him to slowly wean her off and put limits on her demands.  It took several months but we’ve all now adjusted to a more reasonable schedule. 

In your case, getting his Mom on your side is to your benefit.  If it takes you being little Miss Mary Sunshine for a while, then do it.  After all, she’s your future MIL.  I’m lucky because my FI’s Mom loves me to death!  I won her over with my charm.  Wink

Your SO is between a rock and a hard place but he’ll figure it out with your help, compassion, love and understanding.  Do not give him a hard time about this!  Be there for him, understand it’s a difficult family adjustment and give it some time.  It will all work out and everyone will be fine.

He’s going to have to learn to kindly, but firmly, put limits on his family.  Tell him this wearing some sexy lingerie that he can’t resist you in, hehe.

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