Post # 1
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
So I (21 F) have been with my boyfriend (24 M) for three years now. Even though we’re young, I really can’t wait to marry him and I’m so happy with him and our relationship and how far we’ve grown together in the past few years. We have a cute little house, pets that we’ve gotten together (and 1000000% dote on), jobs we love that pay well, and are constantly learning new hobbies and skills together. That being said, even if a proposal isn’t around the corner, I still love him and would wait if he needs time.
Usually we’re on the same page on everything. Basically to the point of wondering if we can secretly read minds lol. We both agree we want kids young (at least one before I’m 25) and feel incredibly lucky to have found one another so soon in life. We’re going on a cruise soon, we board the ship on my birthday, and will be gone about a week. It’s more a family vacation with his family, so not exactly a romantic getaway. Both of our families think he’s going to propose on vacation, and his mom is completely adamant we look our best on vacation. Like so adamant she’s willing to pair for a hair/mani/pedi appointment. His aunt is convinced he’s going too, as are my parents and grandparents. However, when I bring up the conversation of “hey, when are we gonna finally share a last name” (always light vibes) he says “it’s a surprise”. No further detail. Needless to say, I’m thrown off the trail. Do you think it’s because the surprise is literally right around the corner? Or do you think he’s just trying to buy time to have more time to think about/plan it? He’s usually actually really great at hiding surprises, so it’s really got me thinking it’s a 50/50 chance. I know I’m asking the impossible when it comes to wanting advice for a scenario as this, since no one can see onto the future. But what do the rest of you bees think?
Post # 2
Member
11140 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
beebeejax :
Have you considered having an adult discussion with your bf about your shared relationship goals?
Post # 3
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
sassy411 : We have multiple times in the past talked about where we see our future going, and both agree on where we, as a couple, want to be in life 5/10 years from now. I’m confident we will get engaged within the next 1-2 years, but I just don’t feel the need to sit and have a long “this needs to happen by this day” talk. I personally don’t think marriage conversations should be anything other than light and happy conversations. You’re discussing spending your life with this person, how could you fill that discussion with specific timelines/ultimatums/ext. That’s just me and my own views, and like I said in the post, I’m fine with waiting if need be:) Sorry for the rambling, and long answer.
Tldr: yes we have
Post # 4
Member
1464 posts
Bumble bee
You’re discussing spending your life with this person, how could you fill that discussion with specific timelines/ultimatums/ext.
Well – as we’ve seen many times on this forum, there often does come a time to get specific when you’re ideals for the future are not being met and there’s been no open discussion, so it’s a little naive to presume it’s so unneccessary. You say you’re confident that you will get engaged in the next 1-2 years. And if you don’t? What if 3 years passes? 4 years? You would too enter that time when you need to be getting specific.
Post # 5
Member
837 posts
Busy bee
beebeejax : We can agree to disagree on this one. To me the fact you’re ‘spending the rest of your life with someone’ is
exactly why serious conversations are warranted. Not to mention talking about tangible details, goals and priorities is not the same as having a more abstract ‘some day’ conversation. My husband and I had serious conversations about it because the realities of finances didn’t line up with when we’d prefer to be engaged if finances were not involved. It helped me to relax, know we were on the same page and the time before we got engaged never felt like ‘waiting’ in the way it was described here because I knew it was a priority for both of us (not someday but in the near-term future) and that my fiance was making steps towards it happening. To me it’s less about whether or not it will happen, but getting practice having serious conversations about life goals in a way that isn’t abstract/fantasy.
But I guess I’m also coming from a different perspective in that I think serious conversations are really important. It always shocks me here how many people have never had to manage serious conversations/disagreements, setbacks, etc. before marriage and then when it happens they either doubt their marriage because they are having a disagreement or communicate in a matter that is hurtful and not constructive. I think even if you are 100% sure you’re going to get married it’s good to get in the practice of having serious conversations and leaving lines of communication open. I think when people get in the habit of trying to keep everything light, positive and fun they get blindsided later when there are less than positive things under the surface that have never been discussed.
Post # 6
Member
2048 posts
Buzzing bee
beebeejax : lol good luck with that
If you are so adamant on being the Cool Girl, go right ahead. Avoid having open honest conversations THAT ARE NOT ULTIMATUMS, by the way, in fear of ruining his “surprise.”
If you’re more than happy to wait another year or two, I’m not sure why you’re on a wedding website trying to get people to read your boyfriend’s mind and glean information that you could easily get by just asking him.
Just wait and see then?
ETA: sorry to be harsh but I really feel that avoiding open communication in fear of ruining a surprise that involves your mutual future is a terrible way to conduct a relationship.
It suggests taking a passive role in what should be a mutual decision between two equals and this passivity and lack of communication can bleed into other aspects of the relationship. I really think that if you can’t have open discussions about timelines out of fear of it coming off as an ultimatum that you’re not mature enough to be ready to get married.
Post # 7
Member
1556 posts
Bumble bee
If you’re talking to the internet, his parents, your parents and your parents’ parents about a potential engagement it’s clear that you care when he’ll propose. If you care, why don’t you tell him you care and find out the answer?
When I have questions about what a person is thinking or planning, I usually ask them. Guessing with strangers would be my last resort.
Post # 8
Member
746 posts
Busy bee
If his parents are saying he will, that is interesting. You’d think they would know. That said, a pp is right, quit playing cool girl. You’re allowed to care and have a timeline. But, don’t get your hopes up if it doesn’t happen this time. And if it doesn’t, you need to have a talk about what your expectations should be because if you don’t I can guarantee you the seed of resentments will begin to sow. Conversations about marriage should never be taken lightly and don’t confuse happy for that. I sense that you lack a grasp on the reality of what marriage really entails. If you want a child by 25, you still have several years to get to know one another and still accomplish that. You may not see it this way because 3 years feels like forever, but don’t rush it. If your time is now, wonderful!! If it’s 4 years from now or not with this man, then trust that.
Post # 9
Member
1455 posts
Bumble bee
Your age and emotional immaturity are showing. Yes, you have a house and pets and jobs… but your inability/unwillingness to have a true conversation about your future shows that you are still very young. It’s unrealistc to think that all relationship planning will be lighthearted and fun, planning your future requires serious conversations. Timelines and ultimatums are not the same thing. You have much to learn about communication IMO. I can’t help but roll my eyes and wish you luck.
Post # 10
Bee
326 posts
Helper bee
Please listen to the bees here, OP.
I’m not that much older than you, so I hope it resonates when I say that expecting marriage talk to be light and happy is naive and unrealistic. The concept of love is one thing, but discussing the LOGISTICS and EXPECTATIONS on both ends (and I promise you, they’re going to differ in some areas) is an incredible necessity.
Seriously. A long-term relationship cannot survive on romance alone. Love is not enough. I cannot recommend an in-depth, serious conversation with your partner enough.
Post # 11
Member
13722 posts
Honey Beekeeper
The question is not whether or not he will be proposing but whether he should be. At your ages, no matter how responsible you may be for people your age, you are inevitably still changing and maturing. It’s rare that you’d choose the same person at 25 as you would at 18. If it’s right, it still will be in a few years. I’d give it that time. I’m also surprised that your families seem to be pushing it.
Post # 12
Member
1637 posts
Bumble bee
- Wedding: June 2021 - Glacier National Park-Montana
Go on your cruise. Get your mani pedi. Keep your expectations in check. If the proposal doesn’t happen on the trip then sit down and talk to him about his realistic timeline and yours. Make no assumptions about expectations. Clear open communication. It’s clear you feel ready now. Find out his thoughts. Don’t let him get away with vague generalizations and promises of surprises. A conversation doesn’t have to be an ultimatum.
You’re very young. I would consider holding off on engagement while you are growing in your early twenties. Make sure this man grows with you and that you don’t outgrow him.
Post # 13
Member
1628 posts
Bumble bee
Having a serious conversation does not equate having a hostile conversation. Marriage should never be a surprise.
When you “lightly” ask about marriage, and he responds, “It’s a surprise,” that’s not a serious or realistic answer. He shouldn’t get to unilaterally dictate when everything happens. It’s your life, too. It could very well be his way of stalling or avoiding the question.
No one is telling you to give him an ultimatum. I personally think if you have to give your man an ultimatum, your relationship may not be worth salvaging. But if you’re on a wedding site “lightly” trying to speculate about when he’s going to propose, you care a lot more than you’re willing to let on. Asking for concrete answers for what he sees in your future together is NOT an ultimatum.
Have you discussed what kind of ring you want to wear on your hand for the rest of your life, or it a “surprise”? Have you discussed how you plan to raise children or do you have to wait till after the “surprise”? Do you know how you’re going to manage the bills together or will that get hashed out after the “surprise”?
You should discuss these sorts of things before mutually agreeing to get married, rather than waiting for him to spring a “surprise” proposal on you. You can talk things out as equals and he can still do a bended knee proposal for you as a formality.
Post # 14
Member
511 posts
Busy bee
Hey girl, you seem pretty young and it’s awesome that you have a healthy and exciting relationship at this age. I think it sounds like he does want to marry you, and there is some possibility he may propose on the cruise, but there is also a pretty large chance he won’t. In the circles I move in, it would be unthinkable for someone to propose to a 21 year old girlfriend, even if they’ve been together three years. Most guys would cop a lot of flack from their friends if they did, and most girls would unfortunately be the target of gossip. I was considered young (and I was 25).
21 is so young, and the proposal may come this year, or next year, or the year after (and you’ll still be able to have kids at 25!). Waiting can create a lot of anxiety, so instead of thinking about a proposal, go get a mani done so that you have super classy hands in photos from your cruise no matter what happens.
Post # 15
Member
8774 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
My husband and I had adult conversations about the logistics and timelines relating to getting engaged. We clearly did it wrong!