(Closed) Having trouble trusting FH for no good reason- need advice please!

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1937 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I trust my husband completely, but I don’t think I would be comfortable with him going out to dinner alone with females and hanging out with them in private, particularly if questions about intimacy were being discussed.  I wouldn’t have a problem with him just going out to an occassional lunch or dinner, but I don’t think hanging out in private is a good idea.  It’s just setting an individual up for inappopriate actions to occur (even if that wasn’t the intent). 
I don’t think it has to do with trusting your SO; instead, it’s about your SO respecting your wishes regarding the boundaries in your relationship.

Do any of these women have significant others?  If so, would you be comfortable going out to dinner with them as a couple? 

 

Post # 4
Member
371 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

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@EvaBostonTerrier: I totally agree, I would not want my SO spending time privately with other women, or talking about intimate things with them in private- or really at all. However everyone is different, so your right in his mind it probably isn’t an issue….

I think the only solution to this is to clearly outline what each of you are comfortable with, and set up common and mutual guidelines on whats appropriate for you. If to him what he is doing isn’t an issue, and it’s okay, he isn’t a mind reader and he probably doesn’t realize that it bothers you, or that it seems improper to you.

Clear communication is going to be major here, because you both will have to discuss openly and be honest, but not be overly emotional or get angry.

Post # 5
Member
2373 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I’d be uncomfortable with my husband going out with other women, even if they were just friends. Since it’s something he believes is fine and he’s gone to great lengths to make you feel comfortable- you either need to find a way to feel secure with the situation, think about leaving the relationship, or he needs to change.

Post # 6
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

 I’m unsure of exactly what you’re worried may happen? You say he’s honest, truthful, and totally transparent in his communication with you, but you can’t trust him to make the “right choices”. I’m wondering what are the “wrong choices” you think he will make? Or maybe you are more concerned with specific women whom you don’t trust?

Since this is causing arguements, I suggest you have a very open conversation. Before talking with him, think about what those choices are that you’re worried about, what situations make you uncomfortable, and *WHY*. There’s a reason behind why you don’t want him to have dinner alone with a female friend. Once you’ve narrowed down specific issues you have, you two can discuss his feelings and try to come up with boundries that are fair to each of you. (Saying “No dinners alone with females” could be over-restrictive, especially since you say his friends are mostly female. But “No dinners with So-and-So who has a crush on you” might be more fair)

Personally, I would not worry about my husband being alone with his friend, who happens to be a women. Similarly, I wouldn’t feel uncomfortable with him discussing sex (in a non-suggestive manner) with a female friend. But I *would* feel uneasy about him spending excessive time with female strangers or women who I think would make a pass (in college there were a few women who I wouldn’t trust to respect our boundries, although I always trusted him).

Good luck! I hope talking will help the situation, especially since he sounds like a really great guy who cares a lot about you!

Post # 7
Member
285 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

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@mowi322: Obviously the problem is that NO WOMAN in the world wants her SO to be hanging out with other females… I certainly would be mad at this…  my FH always says that men and women can’t never be friends, unless the opposite sex friend is gay, not because something is bound to happen (he says it has nothing to do with that) but because usually men and women have different emm how to call it, “hobbies”.. He said this because I told him once that he was being silly, that men and women can be friends very well, but he said ”yes, they can be friends, but not really best friends, like hanging out alone. Seriously do you picture yourself hanging out by yourself with -name of one of our male friends-“. And now I think he’s right. I mean, you can hang out or talk with someone of the opposite sex, but at the end, I preffer to talk to a girl (even when you are talking about books, which is what I like, all men eventually start talking about cars, futbol, basquet, etc, blahh).. the same goes for men, and that’s just normal, we have different tastes… FH hangs out only with male friends (who happen to be my friends too) and we share some female friends (truth be told, we share pretty much all of our friends), and if he goes to talk to one of them, I’m totally fine with that, but I know and like those girls, you know?.

I don’t think it’s a matter of just “trusting”. That’s just something that would bother me from the very inside of my soul.  Beside, trusting comes from actions. I trust my FH, but that’s because he’s never done anything that I, myself, find inappropiate. And it goes both ways, I take care not to do things he doesn’t like or that could hurt him (thogh he’s not really that kind lol, also probably because I’m a really good girl :).. )

I think you should talk to him and tell him you’re not feeling happy about this. What I wonder is, when did this start to happen? or to bother you? because I assume that if this is a part of his personality, you should have known it a long time ago. And you would have had time to get away.. I ask this because I believe I wouldn’t have been able to handle that, and I would have left sooner than later.. but that’s just me… also it’s fair that I say we are not very “social” people, meaning that we like to hang out only with our close and best friends, instead of meeting new people everywhere and going out with them.. So, if he suddenly started hanging out with just females, I’d find it strange… But maybe people who are more social are different when it comes to hanging out with the opposite sex?

Anyway, those were just some of my thoughts.. a bit messy and I’m sure with many mistakes when it comes to spelling and grammar, but do please forgive me for that, english isn’t my native language and I’m just feeling too lazy right now to re-read it and fix it…

Post # 8
Member
7581 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

I’m really surprised by some of the responses.

My BFF is a guy. He was my bridesman. DH has no issues at all when we go and hang out alone. He trusts me. I’m surprised that there’s so much jealousy out there. Women and men can be friends. This is 2011 people.

Post # 9
Member
5089 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

View original reply
@mwitter80: Word. I hate these ridiculous generalizations about “men and women can never REALLY be bffs” or whatever. That is simply not true. It may be true for many people, but certainly not for all.

One of my bffs is a guy. We hang out together alone (usually grabbing breakfast before work) at least once or twice a month.

One of my FI’s bffs is a woman.  When she’s in town, I make a point of making sure they can spend some alone time together, because I think that’s so important for maintaining the closeness of a friendship. 

Both of us know the other would never, ever, ever cheat, or even want to, with these people. They are decade+ long friendships, and it would be ridiculous to insist that they be weakened just for the sake of appearances.

Edit: That said – in the case of the OP, I would probably be uncomfortable about my Fiance doing anything physical (like an adjustment) with another woman, except in a strictly professional setting like a dr/chiropracter’s office. I guess we all have our limits!

Post # 10
Member
5654 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

@guitargirl: You certainly have a right to feel uncomfortable with the situation. It’s defitnitely not the wisest, as most men and women are unablet to be “just friends” and discussion of sexual topics definitely brings that to be possibly more true than not in most circumstances.

However, wether your uncomfortableness is warranted or not your behavior is not. You and your DH should be able to sit down and discuss what each of your comfort levels are and how you both can be accomodated without either of you feeling like you’re not getting what you need… not to be confused with what either you of want out of yours or his selfishness. He should be understanding of your heart on the matter and help affirm your need of his faithfulness without justifying or putting up defenses.. you also should be able to accept what he gives and not  even consider thoughts otherwise.

I understand that your DH is a doctor so his advice is seen as sound and acceptable to follow, BUT unless his realm of study is sexual in nature.. women should not be “coming to him” for that… and if it is then they need to be a patient.

I consider marriage as something that is worth protecting and that some situations should just be avoided. I do think that some opposite sex friendships are possible and can hold value, but generally that comes from long time prior relationship. I do not consider “new friendships” with the opposite sex as something that is wise at all… and it should be very carefully considered before venturing into or beginning one. Especially considering the rate of physical or emotional infidelity is around 40% and 1/2 of the marriages that end today end b/c of infidelity.

I certainly believe that your husband is true to his word and to this point as given you no reason not to trust him… with that though I also believe that it’s a tight line to walk where you’re intimately dealing with and around individuals of the opposite sex & if his job already has that I probably wouldn’t add to it extracurricularly.

I hope that you two can communicate it out and that you can let your heart be at peace about it… remember that since the “I Do’s” you and him are now a team not to be messed with and that together all of these things that be used to make you stronger together. ((hugs)) 😉

Post # 11
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I think it is really unfair to say that opposite sex friendships don’t truly exist or are “dangerous”. If my husband told me I could not hang out with a friend (old or new) who happens to be male for the sole reason that “men & women cannot be friends” I would be upset and offended. I think that kind of blanket statement sells your SO short and belays a lack of trust and understanding.

That said, I *do* think it’s fair to be uncomfortable with certain situations, such as repeated get-togethers with someone I’ve never met/don’t trust (and, frankly, I’d feel this way about new male or female friends) or – in the OP’s case – sexual conversations.

@fairy_in_love: Obviously, I don’t understand the problem that “NO WOMAN in the world wants her SO to be hanging out with other females”. As I stated in my post, I am okay with my husband being friends with women and seeing them in social settings without me. I believe men and women can be friends, GOOD friends and I can think of 3 men (who are not related to me) that I would either A) go to dinner with without my husband or B) call on the phone and talk about our similar interests (because, surprisingly, I have “hobbies” that don’t toe stereotypical gender lines).  While I do realize that something like this would bother you, it’s wrong to say this situation is always inappropriate for all people in all relationships.

Post # 12
Member
464 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

In my relationship it is sort of the opposite of yours. I have a ton of male friends, and Fiance only has one or two female. I am more of the free spirit, and will talk most subjects, and Fiance was raised in a very conservative family. I am the one who will run up and hug a guy friend, go dancing, have a couple guy friends over for movies and pizza (although Fiance is usually there) My Fiance doesnt care. It took him a little while to get comfortable with it, but he never told me not to hang out with anyone, just that as long I am always truthful, and tasteful he didnt care, in fact he has become better friends than me toh one… we joke its a compitition on who our friend likes better. I even have an ex I am very friendly with, but out of respect we generally keep hanging out to on the phone, with Fiance, and out for a group thing at the bar.

I understand you have problems with it, but as your Fiance is open in communications with you, you need to be open about your feelings. Come to an agreement without fighting. Fighting over these things usually creates unresolved bitterness between your significant other and yourself. Its like one person will win, the other is still upset but dealing. With open communication the other person is usually more than happy to keep telling you whats going on and not do things that might hurt you later on, or be happy to let the other person do something.

Its just my 2 cents on the other side of things

Post # 13
Member
285 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

View original reply
@mowi322: I really do think it’s possible to be friends with someone of the opposite sex, but what the poster is describing I just wouldn’t know how to handle it… I feel like it’s too much, but it doesns’t mean he’s cheating.. however, I would prefer not to deal with such a hard situation (hard IMO).

For the record, we are not jelous people at all.. and I ‘ve never thought my FH is “up to something”, so what some other girls said about some of us being jelous, it’s totally unbased. I just call it common sense. One thing is being friends, having casual lunch, seeking for advise, etc, but this sentence: “FH likes to go to dinner alone with females and hangs out with them occasionally in private”, creeps me out; just sounds like to much for me. I’d be hurt specially because I’m used to M never wanting to do anything without me (except for playing sports, or fishing, and that’s because I hate sports and don’t really like fishing). Everybody needs space for sure, but, oh well, I really don’t know… everyone is different.. but that’s just not the way we are.

 

View original reply
@guitargirl: I’m not saying something bad is going on. Not at all! Everyone is different, what is normal to some is just not to others. But if you’re not feeling happy about the situation, then you should talk to him and listen to what he has to say. Hold in mind that no matter what he says, you’ll have to deal with your own feelings at the end, his words probably won’t erase the uneasiness your dealing with given that you already said that you know he’s a good man, but yet feel that way. 

Hope you can solve this! *hugs*

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