Post # 1
I got engaged in late June and picked and signed the contract for my venue in late July/early August which included the caterer and cake company. We decided to put on the brakes with the wedding planning for a while, as we aren’t getting married until October 19, 2013.
Within the last two weeks we started wedding-planning again, starting primarily with florist, photographers and music. My mom doesn’t work (she’s lucky enough to be a homemaker) so she spends all day researching and calling lots of vendors and then emailing me all day long. PLEASE don’t get me wrong, I’m so appreciative of all of the work she’s been doing the last two weeks. I have been doing my own research as well, and even my fiance has gotten a list of potential vendors together on his own. Again, I’m so glad we’re all working so hard on this.
My problem is, it seems as though my mom only wants to hear about the vendors SHE’S finding, and has little or no interest in hearing about the vendors my fiance and I are finding! How can I (delicately, because I don’t want to lose her help and wonderful research) tell her that I want her to consider the vendors I am finding? To make matters work and more delicate, she and my dad are paying for our wedding. It seems as though she wants it to be her way, her say, and no input from me!
Any suggestions on how to handle this?! I don’t want to bruise our relationship, I don’t want any feelings hurt, but I want her to consider some of the vendors we are finding on our own. I’m assuming this is going to be a LONGGG year considering we still have a little over 11 months until our wedding. HELP!
Post # 3
My “mom” offered to pay for something in my wedding. She hounded me for weeks until I finally gave her a list of things still due, such as my photo booth, buying the cake, etc. I asked her to tell me which one she wanted to pay for…. Paying for any of these will help out a lot. She didn’t respond nor offered money and now these items are due and I didn’t want to ask her about it, so I paid for them…
Last week she tells me that she is paying for my flowers bouquets and bouts but I have to meet with her florist. I am greatful because I was just going to buy them from Fifty Flowers and arrange them myself but she insisted.
What I have come to learn is that our parents want to have some say since they are funding. Some parents want more say than others to what and whom their money goes to. Just roll with it. Provide vendors that you are interested in and try to negotiate or just pay for it yourself.
Post # 4
Quite frankly if both you and your Fi are doing research, why do you need her help?
Let her help with other aspects of the wedding. I think when accepting help you have to fully weigh your options. So if the help comes with extra stress, fights, and hurt feelings in the end is it really worth it? Also when accepting money you guys need to have a conversation and be very clear about her expectations.
Because the last thing you want to happen is have one of those frustrating moments I seen all over the bee, with parents insisting the bride and groom do something because they are paying. Again you have to ask your self is it ok to have a wedding that doesn’t represent you and your Fi, because technically it’s free?
Post # 5
You know, my Future Mother-In-Law was looking for vendors for me. I told her, oh Im going to look at these certain ones. And in the end, I ended up going with her vendors any way. Not because she pressured me, but because they were cheaper, and better than mine! She got me free wedding decor and the decorators help, a photographer for $150 for the WHOLE day, and also my officiant.
I hate to say it, but our moms have alot more years under their belts, and you know maybe her vendors are pretty darn good vendors!
I would tell her that you will all make a list of potential vendors you have both found, and decide “together”. Leaning more on what you want, but saying it in ways for her to feel like her hard work and oppinion is paying off. She is paying for it after all.
My parents are helping alot, their paying for half the food for my wedding. For our midnight luncheon I didnt want to get catered meat trays. But they did, so I am going with it. They ARE paying for alot.
Post # 6
I would suggest that you and your Fiance discuss with her what you both envision for your wedding day. See if she wants to listen to what YOU WANT and if necessary do a summary of the vendor information you have. My mom took it personal when we chose wedding vendors without consulting her, even though we are paying for our wedding. I think a lot of future mother of the bride want to feel acknowledge during the wedding process.
Post # 7
I would consider her options, as well as the vendors that you and your fiance looked into. Look at all of them and make a decision. Your mother doesn’t really have to show a true interest in your choices, just make sure your showing interest in hers since your parents are paying for the wedding.
You and your fiance make your final decision and inform your parents as the decision is made. As long as your truly show an interest in all her hard work, how can she get mad if you guys end up going with someone else. If the subject came up, explain why you guys choose that particular vendor, there are several reasons with going with one vendor over another, and leave it at that.
Post # 8
I would ‘assign’ her to find her top three vendors for each item, and that you’ll bring your top three vendors and then sit down and work it out together. I think it’s important to be clear and honest with her, letting you know that you appreciate her help, but you would also like some input as well. Also, bring some pictures and examples of exactly what you want – that way she can steer her criteria in more of the direction you are going for.
I’m sure your mom is just doing this out of love and has been thinking about planning your wedding for a long time. Let your mom have her voice, but also put your foot down, because your wedding day is supposed to reflect both you and your fiance.