(Closed) He “almost” cheated.

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
1481 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I have to agree with the other bees that this was cheating, not almost cheating. I think you have every reason to feel the way you do, and I’m sorry you had to go through this. I hope you two can find a way to both be happy again, but I think there is a long road ahead. Good luck darling.

Post # 18
Member
38 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Oh I felt sick for you reading that so can imagine how you’re feeling!

At least you know he’s sorry…. yes it’s cheating but maybe he needed something to happen to realise just how much he loves you.. hopefully thats all out of this system now and he sounds devoted to you..good luck for the future xxxxxxx

Post # 19
Member
649 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I’m agreeing that this is definitely cheating…sexual touching is cheating….

 

I would suggest counselling….if you just forgive and forget it’s almost like you are permitting this type of behaviour…..if he does it again WILL you leave him?  Will he TELL YOU if it happens again?

 

I’ve been cheated on by an ex, and well, he’s an ex….I’ve made it quite clear to my fiance that he has NO recourse if he cheats…I”m out of here…..

Post # 20
Member
168 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

People are human, and to be human is to err. Contrary to what some have said  rather cruelly, I do not think for a moment he went to meet this girl to cheat on you. What I read into this is a guy doing what guys do to get an ego stroke. You say that he used to have a crush on this girl, so that opens the thrilling and forbidden door of what ifs. He went to that door and knocked, he even went inside a step but he stopped himself from taking off his coat and staying a while. That takes a lot of willpower mixed in with love for you and a good dose of guilt on his behalf. From his reaction, I’d say he is ashamed for being tempted by this woman and that it was a momentary lapse in judgement rather then a compulsive need to cheat. 

I do NOT think you should break it off with him, but I do think you should proceed with caution. I’m not an overly jealous person, but I do know if my Fiance got into a highschool-ish heavy petting session with another girl, there would be some serious sit down discussions coming his way. Starting with why was this so tempting for you and what can we do to avoid similar situations moving forward. 

I think you are handling this wonderfully. You aren’t becoming obsessive or over-protective, but seem to be level headed and approaching the situation without the overly dramatic, knee-jerk reactions some have suggested. I would personally, tell him that though other friends of the opposite sex are fine, the girl involved in this particular incident is to be off-limits. Sounds like she’s one of those wonderful woman who takes pride in being a homewrecker. 

 

 

Post # 21
Member
1175 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

Yuck. Definitely cheating, and not an “accidental” thing either. He wasn’t drunk, he wasn’t forced, and he willingly met with her? I would like to say that you two should just move on, but this would be the end for me. Crying and begging for forgiveness only came after he told you, why didn’t he just STOP?

Post # 22
Member
731 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

My first thought is where the hell were they that they were able to do this? I mean, if I saw a couple feeling each other up like that in Starbucks I’d be a little creeped out.

Look, OP, the bottom line is you know your man better than any of us do.  You know his personality and his reactions to things, you can tell if he’s being truthful better than we can.  We can all give our two cents, but all that matters is what your gut is telling you. 

For what it’s worth, I honestly believe that when something like this happens, one of these freak, one-time things we never expected, we know the right course of action within seconds in our own heads and hearts.  I believe you already know what you need to do, although I’m not sure what it is, and you need to take some time to look deep and figure out what your gut is telling you.

If you stay, it will be a battle to get back to normal.  This isn’t something you’re just going to forget about.  Something similar happened with Fiance and I about a year into our relationship, and honestly, it still sometimes pops into my head, although the anger and hurt that went with it are obviously much more dulled than they were at the time.  If you stay, you need to be able to trust him again.  But you also need to be certain that what he’s coming home to is better than anything that’s out there in the world, which really speaks more to how you feel about yourself than anything having to do with him, so you’re going to have to figure out whether you have the confidence to do that or not. More than shaking your faith in your relationship, something like this can profoundly shake the faith you have in yourself.  You need to assess and possibly rebuild that before you can really deal with the relationship.

If you don’t think you’ll ever trust him again, or if you think you’re too shaken in your confidence in yourself to ever get back to normal with him, do both of you a favor and go.  That’s not to be mean, it’s just honest. It’s not worth being in a realtionship where there’s no trust.

Don’t read the text messages.  They won’t tell you anything you don’t already know.  And you can talk to him until the cows come home, but if you don’t figure out where your own head and heart are at, all the talking in the world isn’t going to bring you any clarity.  This is a decision YOU have to make, and it has surprisingly little to do with him or anything that could possibly come out of his mouth.  Make your call, stick by it, and trust yourself.

Post # 23
Member
2670 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

Definately in the “this is cheating” camp. He made plans with her, went, engages in these acts and then carries on so you feel bad for him. I wouldn’t care how much he cries, he still cheated. You definately have every right to be upset and that trust needs to be rebuilt weather he is crying or not.

Post # 24
Member
5243 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2012

He knew she liked him so therefore he should’ve expected something to happen.  Sorry, I wouldn’t hang out with guys that may be interested in me for that reason.  Sorry that you’re going through this.  I hope it works out for you two.

Post # 25
Member
1026 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I agree with miss pumpkin pie. I am sorry because this is a very sucky situation. I have been cheated on many many tImes in my past relationships. I whole heartily forgave my sons dad that first time because he wss totally honest with me, told me everything. I wasn’t mad at all and felt guilty even! He was SO remorseful! It was just one kiss and very easy to forgive. SIGH. Well years later it was ALL the time, way more than just one kiss, and I finally got out. 

One thing I want to point out is he used a pronoun. I’m gonna meet friends. Who? Some people from high school. I think the fact that he didn’t say I’m meeting one on one with this chic is very telling. You can’t get it out of your head cause you were cheated on. Time is the only thing that will make you feel better about it. And time is also the only way to see if indeed it never happens again. 

I hope I don’t come off as the mean poster! Cheating is a very touchy subject for me:(

Post # 26
Member
4812 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

I am sorry OP. i definitely consider this cheating. 

I find it odd he did not mention more specifics about who he was meeting. I am totally fine with opppsite sex friends, but I am not cool with dishonesty, direct or by omission. He may mot have planned to cheat, but he did plan to not be honest!

I think that if you want to try and heal this relationship, counseling is a must. There are underlying things going on for this to have happened in the first place. The trust is breached and it is not surprising that you cannot forgive and forget. Or that you are questioning what really happened. I have seen a couple bees recently find out their Fiance had actually slept with someone else, not kissed as they said, months after the fact. I do think there are some who admit to as little as possible to shift guilt but yet hopefully not get dumped. Not saying this is your case, but I do think complete honesty is needed going forward.

Honestly, to me this is a big deal and would be a complete disrespect of me, my boundaries, expectations, the integrity, honesty, respect, and so forth integral to my own relationships, and a clear sign of the state of the other persons own boundaries and expectations, maturity and self-awareness. That person is not someone I would choose to be with, nor would I want that relationship, not when I know that it really is not just a mistake (in my opinion) and when I know there is so much better out there.

But, I do know people who do see it differently and do stay together – I just encourage you to go to counseling and go forward eyes open, and only if you can genuinely trust and be honest with each other, and with the tools of counseling with you and as you genuinely want to be together, not because you fear being on your own or think this is as good as it gets. I also recommend individual counseling on top of couples counseling.

Post # 27
Member
3026 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

@ViaMinorViator:  I could not have said it better! 

How are you feeling today OP? Any updates for us?

Post # 28
Member
260 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@allyfally:  I consider what he did as cheating. Also, humans make mistakes…but there are a good amt of men out there that dont make that particular one. I would look into counseling 100%…that is the only way you can truly take the steps to make sure it never happens again. He doesn’t seem ready for marriage. No about-to-be married man would meet up with a girl behind your back and rub her breasts! If it were my man, I would have a very hard time marrying him, just because I know there are guys out there that would never do that… and that is where my standards are. 

 

 

 

Post # 29
Member
82 posts
Worker bee

Just to echo everyone else, this is definitely cheating. It sounds like counseling would benefit you guys…

One thing I would say is that if you do decide that you want to look at his texts and FB messages, do it together. Do not give him a heads up that you want to look at his messages. You don’t want him to have time to delete any potentially questionable stuff.

It sounds like he is extremely remorseful, and I would hope that something like that would never happen again. Stay strong!

Post # 30
Member
4497 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I guess my biggest red flag was ” they started talking about sex”….

Talking about sex is not something I would typically bring up or be okay with taking about with an old friend, especially as an engaged woman.

I’m sorry this has happened to you! My thoughts and prayers are with you. I hope you two can work things out for the best and forgiveness and healing comes from it.

Post # 31
Member
2933 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I dont have much to say about this but I do have to admit that I don’t think this is cheating.  Yes, he touched her and let her touch him, but come on.  I wouldn’t leave Mark if he did this with another woman, but that’s just me.

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