(Closed) He “almost” cheated.

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 47
Member
524 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

Not only was it cheating, but he played you to the point where you are making excuses for him and seeing him as the victim. Manipulation at its finest.

Post # 49
Member
4005 posts
Honey bee

I’m with a lot of the others in that this is cheating to me. Anything that can’t be done in front of me is cheating. I wouldn’t be ok with my husband touching some other girl’s breasts or having her rub his penis in the middle of a park. 

With that said, no one can tell you what to do in this situation. You have to decide what’s best for the two of you. I’ll tell you one thing, if this were my husband, I certainly wouldn’t be ok with him going out with these high school friends without me.

Post # 50
Member
458 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

Ok I don’t agree that he’s necessarily manipulating or that he had risque texts he deleted before giving up his phone for inspection. It’s possible, of course, but we don’t know and I don’t think any of us should be making such judgments right now. I know it’s a way to look out for one another but I’m afraid of those kinds of insinuations can strain their relationship even further if they’re not true.

To the OP, I’m sorry this happened and you have every right to be upset over it. I would consider it cheating and I agree that you might want to see a counsellor. Even if he feels awful and will never do it again, I think it’s a sign of some kind of internal struggle and definitely a sign of communication issues which need to be worked out. You’re obviously having a hard time getting over it because you’re worrying about it. You can’t move on until you sort out the issues that cause what you’re moving on from. I think you really want to trust him and you’re trying to trust him but you can’t.

Post # 51
Member
1367 posts
Bumble bee

@allyfally:  I’m so sorry that this happened to you.  It really really sucks.  As other bees have said – he DID cheat, not “almost” cheat.  I’m of the belief that you can even cheat emotionally – there doesn’t have to be a physical aspect to cheating.  But anyways – what concerns me is that it almost sounds like you’re making excuses for your guy.  Calling the other girl a sleaze, saying that you both need to work harder (um no HE’s the one who needs to work harder).  I’m sure he does love you to some extent, but In My Humble Opinion, if someone truly loves and respects you, he wouldn’t do this to you in the first place.  Actions speak louder than words, so it wouldn’t matter to me that he’s said before that he can’t wait to marry you and have kids with you because he went out and met an essentially random girl and felt her up and let her touch him!  I mean that is NOT ok!  I just hope that you will be able to find peace with the situation.  Best of luck to you.

Post # 52
Member
7321 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@Sunflower–girl:  So ditto! This girl is single, she can do whatever she wants (not that I’d go after a guy I knew was engaged). Who even puts themselves in a situation like that unless you intend for something to happen? Agreed on the texts too! Come on now.

I can’t say for sure that I’d leave over it, but I wouldn’t be so quick to forgive either, I mean that’s a major violation of trust and I expect my partner to respect me enough not to be having sex talks in the park with his pants down.

Post # 53
Member
2203 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I’m sorry but this is ri-damn-diculous. Someone touching your man’s penis in a park is not almost cheating. That IS cheating. All of it is. There is zero reason for a man who has a girlfriend he wants to marry to hang out with a girl who likes him, to talk about sex with her or touch her. None. It pains me to see you say he’s all you have. You have you… did you forget about you? Him crying about it and telling you doesn’t make it okay, doesn’t make the girl to blame or mean ” we need to work harder”. HE needs to figure out why he is cheating on his girlfriend when he is ” so happy”. People in happy, stable relationships just don’t act that way. Yes people make mistakes, but lord a mercy. I’m not saying leave him, but have some respect for yourself and get to the bottom of the issue instead of just saying ” Okay I forgive you!!1″ and convincing yourself it’s not cheating. That right there is a sure fire way for it to happen again, I mean why wouldn’t he? He suffered zero consequences for his actions. 

Post # 54
Member
4590 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

@mixtapehearts:  sometimes I think you are inside my head! Great minds :p

OP, I’m not going to say anything that hasn’t been said, but please don’t be naive. He put himself in this situation, and felt guilty, so he spilled the beans. Yes, that’s admirable. But, he DID cheat. Do with that what you will, but if you want to stay with him and don’t want this behaviour to happen again, at least make him sweat a little!!  

What would you expect of him if the roles were reversed? Do you believe that he would just automatically forgive you right away?

Post # 55
Member
458 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

@mixtapehearts:  have some respect for yourself and get to the bottom of the issue instead of just saying ” Okay I forgive you!!1″ and convincing yourself it’s not cheating. That right there is a sure fire way for it to happen again, I mean why wouldn’t he? He suffered zero consequences for his actions.

Completely agree with this. As sorry has he may be, if you two as a couple don’t fix whatever issues caused him to cheat, that issue will come up again and he’ll be susceptible to cheating again. I’ve been through this with an ex where I just forgave him and tried to move on and it didn’t work. I thought “he’s a good guy and he just fell into a dark moment and lapsed. Everyone makes mistakes. And that other woman is a hussy! But in truth, I never really moved on, in the long run and while he never cheated on me again (as far as I know), he did stop speaking and having contact with the other woman…for a while. They resumed their friendship and he acted like I was the bad guy for being upset because I was “bringing up old wounds” and he thought he had proven by then that I could trust him because he had never done anything since and now they were just friends and I was being jealous, according to him. Yes, I trusted that he never cheated on me with her again (though I do think he was attracted to her). Yes, i believed him. But it still upset me and it caused me to worry. I’m not at all saying your man will do this to you but what if he does? Do you really want to live like that..being 95% sure he isn’t cheating but letting that other 5% cause you lost sleep and extra stress? Will you really leave him if he tries to rekindle their friendship or one with another woman? If you let him get away with it the first time and just tried to forgive and move on, i guarantee it will be even harder to stand your ground later – you’ll guilt and talk yourself out of it because you want to trust him and you want to believe in him.

I’m not trying to make assumptions about your relationship. I’m just saying that as someone who’s gone through the same struggles you are, you need to insure yourself. Even if things turn out ok and you guys live to be an old, mushy-in-love retired couple, you need to protect yourself now so that you don’t even have to think about the possibility of something like my situation happening to you later on down the road. You deserve so much more.

Post # 56
Member
1699 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@Paigey:  +1.

 

View original reply
@MrsSl82be:  “please don’t be naive. He put himself in this situation, and felt guilty, so he spilled the beans. Yes, that’s admirable. But, he DID cheat. Do with that what you will, but if you want to stay with him and don’t want this behaviour to happen again, at least make him sweat a little!!  ”  +++1

OP, I’m not telling you to leave him – you’ve already decided what to do about that. It’s just that I don’t think he’s going to learn anything from this situation with the way you’re making excuses and glossing over his behavior. We teach people how to treat us… letting him get away with it by blaming the other “sleaze” and praising him is not the way to teach him that what he did is absolutely, reprehensibly unacceptable. You deserve more respect than that.

Post # 57
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@futuremrsbauer:  This seems a bit extreme to me. I don’t think it is healthy to completely cut yourself off from long time friendships simply because they are members of the opposite sex.

Post # 58
Member
759 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Sorry that happened to you.I hope you can repair your relationship 🙂

Post # 59
Member
7528 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@ViaMinorViator:  Amen.  I agree with everything you’ve said here. 

Post # 60
Member
1860 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

There isn’t much use trying to convince the bee’s that what your guy did wasn’t cheating.  Even if you managed to do that, deep down in your heart, you are hurt and betryed.  That is cheating. You’re the one that has to live with it.

Post # 61
Member
260 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@allyfally:  “he’s all I have” – you telling yourself that just shows that he will probably be able to get away with a lot more in the future. he may love you but if he could do that to you, he doesn’t respect you. love is never enough. love and respect go hand in hand for a long-term relationship to really and truly work. 

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