(Closed) He Asked Me to Start Planning Our Wedding + Sketchy Potential MOH?

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
  • poll: Would you plan your wedding without a proposal, if your SO asked you to?
    Yes. : (27 votes)
    17 %
    No. : (84 votes)
    53 %
    You're late. I already have!!! : (25 votes)
    16 %
    It depends. : (22 votes)
    14 %
  • Post # 3
    103 posts
    Blushing bee

    A ring is just a symbol. A proposal is sometimes just a question. Have fun wedding planning. If the Maid/Matron of Honor is sour should she really be MOH?

    Post # 4
    8695 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2013

    @GirlWithTheGlassSlippers:  my Fiance is in the navy so I didnt get a “formal” proposal until he came back from deployment during the holidays. I got my ring on New Years. Our venue has been booked since October of last year. So, yes, you can start planning if you want!

    Post # 5
    463 posts
    Helper bee

    I wouldn’t plan without a proposal personally. If my boyfriend asked me that, I would just look at him like he grew a new head. I know that sounds paradoxical coming from a not-engaged chick on a wedding site, but I have a clear line between wedding fantasy and reality. If he wants me to start actually doing wedding stuff, he needs to (1) propose (meaning, we both start telling everyone that we’re engaged), and (2) help me out with the planning!

    I’m really sorry to hear about your best friend – it’s a shame she has such a hangup about it. The whole “planning her wedding too, without a husband” thing is a red flag to me. I don’t know what I’d do in the situation though – I’d want her to stand up for me on the actual day, but I’d probably leave her out of everything else wedding-related unless she started acting less crazy.

    Post # 8
    71 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: February 2013

    I’d take this as start looking at magazines and thinking about what you might like, where you want to do things and people you want involved. I wouldn’t book/buy anything before the proposal, but it certainly can’t hurt to begin looking at what you want! So I guess I wouldn’t start planning, but I would window shop πŸ™‚ And that’s what weddingbee is for!

    Post # 9
    463 posts
    Helper bee


    Yeah, I saw your “happily waiting” post on the chat thread – high fives for not being in any hurry πŸ™‚ Seriously though, have you told him how confusing this is? Sure, life doesn’t have to be about defined “statuses” and crap, but it seems like he’s unclear on what exactly he wants to do at this point. Do you know if he’s envisioning setting a specific date and booking a venue, putting down deposits, etc.? If so, I don’t see why he isn’t presenting it straightforwardly as “let’s be engaged right now”… and if that’s not what he has in mind, he may not realize that it’s really awkward for you to “plan” something that you can’t present as a certainty to friends and family.

    How recently did you tell your friend she would be MOH? It would probably damage the friendship not to have her as an attendant if you said it recently. What if you didn’t have a designated Maid/Matron of Honor, just a group of bridesmaids? I like that since it makes for less “ranking” issues – you could do the actual planning with other people, but still give her the honor of standing with you.

    Post # 10
    430 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    I don’t think that a proposal needs to be fancy or formal or include a ring.  I do think that I would need to be engaged before planning a wedding.  For me, the definition of engagement is the public announcement that a couple intends to marry and thus, that is when I would start actually planning a wedding.  How can you plan a wedding if you can’t tell anyone?  And if you can tell people, why not just be engaged?

    Post # 11
    7560 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: January 2013

    If you don’t want to plan, don’t plan! What’s the rush? 

    Also with your Maid/Matron of Honor – I don’t think it’s that weird for her to talk about the stuff she wants for her wedding. Afterall, she’ll be looking at a lot of wedding stuff. However, if she’s being rude to you specifically, I wouldn’t ask her. 

    Post # 12
    9952 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    @sweet5k:  —> THIS

    I had a Non-Proposal when Mr TTR and I were on vacation last year in Myrtle Beach…

    We saw a couple on the beach who had just gotten married (obviously Eloped), and were having photos taken.

    He said… “That looks like fun”

    I said… “Really ?”

    And he replied… “Ya you should look into that, we could do it the next time we are here”

    That was it

    I started doing research… and went out on an early by myself recognicant mission to look at ERings

    In the end it took us 6 weeks to find my ideal ring (one that we both LOVED because it truly represented us)

    BUT in the meantime, we did tell people… but honestly, I am an old-fashioned gal (over 50) and I didn’t really feel Engaged until that ring was on my finger… and only then did I start making REAL Plans (making phone calls etc)

    Before that it was just browsing thru Magazines (bought my first one in Myrtle Beach), surfing websites on the net etc

    I’m guessing with what he has said… a Proposal is coming soon (unless he gives you a timeframe, I’d just say within the next 12 months).  And of course his Mom knows more than you do… hence the Magazine delivery.

    For now, I’d play it low key.  Browse the magazines and hanging out on WBee can’t hurt… but I wouldn’t be planning down to every last detail until I actually had a ring on my finger (have to admit I find it wierd when gals do too much when they aren’t Engaged… particularly those who haven’t got a SO / or aren’t even dating)

    Which brings me to your Maid/Matron of Honor issue.

    In life we say things on the spur of the moment… sometimes things that in reality don’t come to fruition.

    That is just how things go sometimes

    She’s not your Maid/Matron of Honor until you are Engaged and OFFICIALLY ASK HER

    So right now… you are both in limbo IMO

    Honestly I’ve seen a ton of Maid/Matron of Honor / Bridesmaid Drama here on WBee (the BRIDESMAID BOARD is full of such posts)

    My best advice… Get a Proposal, Get a Ring… and a Date.  And then plan from there.  You don’t need a Maid/Matron of Honor or BMs the first second afterwards… take your time to make such an important decision.

    What you do need is someone who is going to be honestly happy for you… and in your corner.  Stand up for you, support you (which is EXACTLY what the Bridal Party is supposed to do)

    The Bridal Party’s role comes into play a lot farther along in the process… so no need to have one from the get go.  Think it thru, so you don’t end crying over a bad decision on the BRIDESMAID BOARD.

    Hope this helps,

    PS… Very happy for you.  This will be an exciting time in your life.  You are wise to take it day by day… let it soak in.  Savour it.  Enjoy !!


    Post # 13
    1010 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    @GirlWithTheGlassSlippers:  It sounds as though he may end up proposing soon (got a birthday or anniversary coming up?). I don’t want to risk getting your hopes up though. I wouldn’t start actively planning a wedding until it happens though. Maybe just look at some ideas for what dress you would consider wearing or maybe color schemes but that’s about it.

    As for the friend, it appears she is jealous of your happiness. If she’s been nothing but negative and seems to be competing when it comes to wedding ideas, as you mentioned her planning a wedding as well (but doesn’t have a groom?), then I would refrain from asking her to be the MoH. I think you may find someone else that would be better suited to that honor, like another good friend, or a cousin, sister, mom, in-law, etc. You could also skip having a wedding ‘court’ altogether if you want to keep the wedding as simple as possible (when and if that day should come). πŸ™‚

    Post # 14
    1669 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    We’re currently planning one without a ring and an announcement – we’re holding off for the ring until after I meet his parents. Meanwhile we’ve booked the church and are penciled in at a venue. 

    He did ask me (on the phone while long distance) and wants to do it proper later. We’re also under a visa related time crunch. My parents are in on it. I say if there’s a reason go ahead, and even if there isn’t he’s giving you full permission to at least go crazy looking around there are so many options!

    Post # 15
    1606 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    @GirlWithTheGlassSlippers:  My Boyfriend stated to me a coupel of diffferent times – ‘when will you plan our wedding?’ or something similiar. I always totld him ‘You’re missing a step’.

    I was of course already looking at venues, gettingideas and pre-shopping (and I technically bought the bridesmaid dresses). But here’s the thing – I never told him. I made him feel that if he wanted a wedding he was going to have to ask me for it first.

    I didn’t spend any money I was going to miss if it didn’t happen and I didn’t want to spend my time/effort planning something that could end up being another year or so.

    It’s your choice. I think you can do it – but to his face I would tell him you are only looking at options and that you won’t actually plan it until you have a ring.

    Post # 16
    1202 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    @GirlWithTheGlassSlippers:  I don’t think there is anything wrong with looking into venues and maybe glancing at dresses but I wouldn’t do full-tilt wedding planning until he proposes. I think it is like putting all of your eggs in one basket. I would wait until he places a ring on your finger before do any official wedding planning or signing of any contracts. Hopefully he means what he says and he will propose to you soon so he won’t keep you waiting long. πŸ™‚ 

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