He blames pandemic for inaction

posted 2 weeks ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
539 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

Honestly I think you need to sit him down and have a serious heart to heart with him, don’t minimise your feelings at all. Let him know exactly how much this means to you and how much he has let you down, that by breaking the deadline he is breaking your trust (you trusted him to keep his word, you even bought a HOUSE based on his word)- cry if you feel the urge (not in a manipulative way, just don’t suppress your feelings).

Don’t let him excuse his way out of this because there is nothing stopping him from cooking you a nice dinner, getting down on one knee and asking you to marry him – even if you have to go and pick out the ring afterwards.

Post # 3
Member
1524 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

I’m so sorry Bee

The fact is, there is no real valid reason for him not proposing yet. If your SO can always find a reason, it’s only ever for one reason: they just don’t want to do it.

I see it with my sister – they have a house and a 3yo child together. Plenty of money in the bank. Marriage is always “soon”. Well fuck “soon” started in 2017 mate pick a goddamn lane. Except he has, he just hasn’t been honest about it. 

I hope it’s just the pandemic. I really do. Because I love nothing more than a happy ending! I just hope you prepare yourself for the worst. 

Step one? A hectic come to Jesus talk. Because you know you’re worth the ring!

Post # 5
Member
396 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2021

I’m sorry bee but based on what you’ve written it doesn’t sound like he wants to get married. He has had a long time to plan (way before the pandemic even started) and hasn’t done anything. He gets anxious and avoidant when you bring it up. 

Another talk, as PPs have suggested, is a good idea but ultimately I think you need to decide what you want from this relationship. 

If you are still ‘waiting’ 10 years from now, will you be happy? Can you come to terms with never getting married in this relationship (some can, or don’t want it in the first place, which is fine) or will you build up lasting resentment and bitterness?

Will you be happy if he does propose but only after you have asked him time and time again? What if he proposes but then avoids setting a wedding date?

Don’t think you have to settle for this man just because you are 39 and own a house together. I don’t pretend it’s easy to get out of a relationship as financially entwined as yours, but at 39 that is another 50-60 or so years left to live – so don’t waste them living in resentment just because it’s a hassle to move on. 

I think the point I’m getting at is that you absolutely need to communicate with him, but you need to know where you sit first. An empty ultimatum is not worth anything so make sure you intend to follow through if you decide on a walk date. 

Post # 6
Member
433 posts
Helper bee

I am so sorry, but I think you are going to have to choose between being that ‘forever girlfriend’ you didn’t want to be or walking away from this.

A man who truly wanted to get married would have found a way to propose by now – faced with a pandemic, his attitude would be more ‘nothing’s stopping me’ than ‘I don’t know how to order a ring online’.  And let’s face it, you don’t NEED a ring to get engaged.  All he needs to do is to say ‘will you marry me?’

Post # 7
Member
1007 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

He doesn’t need a ring to propose. Have you told him that? He said it was handled and then two weeks later you asked about a ring and he said the pandemic had nixed his ring plans.. was he planning on proposing without one?

Agree with PP’s that say another talk is in order. I wouldn’t wait.

“I need you to answer honestly, what is the reason you haven’t proposed? And really listen to understand and talk to gain clarity. If he launches into pandemic stuff. Say, “What was your pre-pandemic plan?” And “babe, you’ve had since last November. Why were you putting it off?” “Do you want to marry me? If he says money. “You know I would be happy with XYZ, which is well within budget. Why do you think it needs to be a certain dollar amount?” It may be that he would never get you a Walmart ring, so that wasn’t a real option for him. He might genuinely need help choosing a ring. Though you could tell him you’d like him to propose without a ring and you can pick it out together after the pandemic. Or ask him his exact budget and find something you like that he is proud to give you.

To me, this could just be a case of in his mind he wanted a certain proposal and ring shopping experience and he couldn’t pivot.

At first, H told me there wasn’t a reason he hadn’t proposed. I had sent him plenty of ring Pinterest photos. Then a day later he said he couldn’t pick a ring by himself. I told him a plain gold band was fine, I sent him links. But that’s not what he wanted. Now I could have been upset that he didn’t take initiative but…He wanted to get me my dream ring and wanted my input. And he wanted us to go look at them together. So that’s what we did!

 

Post # 8
Member
1194 posts
Bumble bee

I want to make sure I have the timeline straight – you’re 39, divorced, and dating over 3 years?  I think your first mistake was waiting two years to broach the topic of marriage having been in this situation. If you knew that’s what you wanted, it could have been perfectly appropriate to bring this up early in a relationship in your mid to late 30s and shouldn’t have been a surprise to someone also in his 30s. My now husband and I shared with one another on our first date that we were both marriage and family minded because neither of us wanted to waste time. 

Unfortunately bee, I think you’ve set a dangerous precedent. You let him date you for two years thinking marriage wasn’t on the table, bought a house, got pets, and now he likely thinks he can still get away with avoiding it. You’ve let him so far, so why shouldn’t he? You’re absolutely right that he does NOT need a ring to propose and there’s nothing stopping him. You could always try having another serious sit down conversation with him, but I’m leaning towards suspecting that he just doesn’t want to get married. Please keep us posted and good luck. ❤️

Post # 9
Member
5233 posts
Bee Keeper

View original reply
@pnwwifeytobe: Doesn’t it take more time and preparation to buy a house than a ring? He’s had plenty of time to get a ring and propose corona or not! I don’t see an engagement happening.

Post # 10
Member
1268 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

Sounds like he never wanted to get married in the first place. He said stuff to appease you. I am sorry.

The most practical thing to do would be to sleep in separate bedrooms, and adjust to being platonic roommates until you can figure out what to do with the house. Or you can make your peace with being a forever girlfriend, but I don’t know why you’d stay with a guy who leads you on.

Post # 11
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

If you want to marry him why an’t you propose to him?  I told my husband I was going to propose to him by a certain date/month.  He then actually went and surprised me by proposing before I got the chance.  It’s not 1945, women can propose to men just as easy as they can propose to us. (I actually think we would be better at making it a romantic moment. lol.)

Post # 12
Member
1678 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

OP what you say to him is this.

We have talked a few times about the timeline we made together to be engaged by July. I don’t feel I have made it clear enough where I stand on this and my expectations. I fully expect that you will find a way to propose in the next 2 weeks if being with me is important at all to you. Corona or not we have discussed several options for you to propose within our timeline. You have had since November to plan, save up for a ring etc and that was a fair amount of time. I need you to be a man of your word and follow through on what you agreed to, which is to be engaged in July. Do you think this is something you can stick to? 

Then let him say his side. I assume he will run through excuses about getting a ring etc. you simply say, I am happy with a proposal at home where you make some effort to do a romantic night together. I am happy with the affordable ring I sent you links to, or even no ring at all until money is saved up. Either way, none of what you have just mentioned is reason to not follow through with our timeline. Is there a reason you aren’t mentioning? Because I am still expecting you to follow through on proposing in the next 2 weeks. 

Be direct and make it clear what you expect from him. Don’t let him throw out excuses without addressing them. Don’t get angry, just be calm and logical in your discussion. 

Post # 13
Member
5005 posts
Bee Keeper

Well, honestly, both of you are full of excuses and inaction.  So I’m not really sure how you expect this relationship to amount to anything since neither of you are willing to be anything but inert.

You have a deadline but you basically all but admitted you’re not ready to walk away.  So that deadline is meaningless.  You claim you know his excuses are just that…excuses,  but there you sit, inert, just taking them anyway.

He claims he can’t figure out how to buy a ring or plan a proposal during a pandemic despite the pandemic occurring only a fraction of the time he had available and the fact that he bought a house which is infinitely more complicated to buy than jewelry.  He’s not bought a single thing since February or March?  Cause so far I’ve managed to buy groceries, office furniture, makeup, clothes, cleaning supplies, a vacuum, masks, and yes even a ring all from the comfort of my recliner since March.  My SO has managed to buy fishing equipment and a laptop.  My best friend has managed to buy a new refrigerator and a car during this pandemic.  I have two friends get engaged in the last three months.  I’ve seen countless engagement announcements on social media.  If anything, this pandemic has done one of two things – made people realize how important their relationship is and how fragile and crazy life is and want to lock it down, or realize just how incompatible they really are after spending significant periods of time together. 

People who want things…make them happen because people find it crazy gratifying to get the things they want.  So you’re going to be sitting there an awfully long time waiting for him to want to want to propose to you like it’s his idea.  That option passed you by the first time you mentioned marriage and he just shrugged his shoulders and then did nothing for months on end.

So now you have to decide…

Do you want the fairy tale of he just magically wants it and makes it all happen of his own initiative even though he’s shown no indication of that happening and even if he proposes in the next two days its based on your conversations?

…or do you want to get the future you want even though that means you’ll have to be a mature adult who puts it all out on the line openly and honestly and takes an active role in making that happen together?  Because when you decide to be an passive participant in your own life waiting for a fairy tale because you think conversations = coersion then you give up the right to be upset when it isn’t on your timeline.  A conversation isn’t coersion…its two adults taking an active role in the planning of their own lives.

So I would start making a two pronged action plan for once the deadline passes.

1.  Have a conversation that puts it all on the line covering your future together – what do you both want? On what timeline? What have been the barriers to this so far?  What are the next steps to making that happen and removing any barriers?  Don’t just pull dates you need a ring by out of thin air and don’t set dates unless you fully plan some action on that date if it doesn’t happen.  Work together on your future (or possibly decide that ultimately you don’t want the same things after all and not compatible).

2.  Figure out your exit plan, if needed.  If anything, it will at least make you more financially secure and prepared.  You say you can’t afford where you live on your own (which was a mistake in and of itself…what happens if one of you gets in a car accident or loses your job or dies?  Are you his beneficiary on his life insurance?).  So I would get your finances in order, start saving, keep an eye on the real estate market and apartment rentals in your area, and make sure you are fully prepared to be the sole income and have a plan for if that happens – whether it is because you break up because ultimately you want different things and aren’t compatible or due to other shitty circumstances like disability or death.  It sounds like you’re ill-prepared on many levels.

Time to stop living an inert life.

Post # 14
Member
372 posts
Helper bee

I’m going to disagree with what bees have said so far–I don’t think he has malicious intent it is trying to lead you on. You said you’re his longest relationship, you’ve been married before and he hasn’t, and his only other relationship lasted less than 6 months. The guy is probably feeling insecure and overwhelmed and doesn’t want to disappoint you but secretly has no clue how to go about the ring-buying process. And I’d imagine there’s a part of him, possibly unconsciously, that is afraid his ring and proposal won’t be as good as your first one so he wants your help and reassurance. I’d suggest talking to him calmly, and offering to make it more fun and easygoing than you previously have. Get a bottle of wine, make an at-home charcuterie board, and scroll through James Allen and brilliant earth together to find options within your budget and style. You can even make a purchase then and there if you find a ring you love, to get the ball rolling. 

i just don’t think that sleeping in separate rooms or backing him into a corner are the right way to start a lifelong partnership. If you want to marry him, show him that you are his PARTNER and work through it together. You can certainly express your disappointment, but don’t use your feelings as a weapon against him. Give him a safe space to be honest with himself and you about what’s holding him back, and move forward together from there. 

Post # 15
Member
1007 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

View original reply
@newbee5:  Totally agree! “Give him a safe space to be honest with himself and you about what’s holding him back, and move forward together from there. “

As a grown adult in a relationship if he needed help he should have been able to recognize that and ask! Hey babe, I’m having a hard time picking a ring, can we do it together? 

Part of H wanting help with the ring was wanting it to be better than my last one. I don’t think he realized that at the time. I still had my previous ring in my jewelry box and he had seen it and after we found ours at some point in the weeks that followed he said, it’s way nicer than the last one. While ring shopping he’d be like, I’ve never done this before. He had to learn about what I liked and what size and shape, lab-created or natural, metal type, clarity, cut ect.. He just wanted it to be perfect. And those weren’t things he wanted to decide on his own.

Additionally, he said if he was spending that much money he wanted it to be the perfect thing. And the only person who could’ve judge that was me.
Spending $500 online on a random ring is one thing but buying a ring that has so much pressure and expectation can be overwhelming to purchase on the internet.

 

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