He blames pandemic for inaction

posted 4 months ago in Waiting
Post # 31
Member
1067 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

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@wanda888:  with all due respect, I don’t think you fully absorbed OPs entire post.  She said the proposal doesn’t have to be fancy, she said she doesn’t need an expensive ring.  She’s had this talk with him already.  Now what do to think she should do?

Post # 32
Member
849 posts
Busy bee

Bee, im just going to be honest, you sound very mature as you should. Dont let naivety get the best of you. Definitely should have discussed your long term goals at the beginning of this relationship if thats what your goal were ( to marry not to date). Im not saying he doesnt want to be with you, because it sounds like  he does. It sounds like marriage isnt on his radar at all, like he cant even fathom the idea of it. You cant stoop to his low level and tell white lies (him faking a timeline) and you by not keeping your word on timeline deadline. You have children so if not for yourself, do whats best for them. 

 

Post # 34
Member
848 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2021 - Australia

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@pnwwifeytobe: Fingers crossed something happens soon… one question, if he has the ring and realised he can’t do his original plan, why has it taken him so long to put something else together by the deadline? when he couldn’t book your trip by say, last week, why not book something this week in your local area instead? Why not do it now, or tomorrow, or this weekend? Does he know how close you are to walking? Why does he need until the end of July when he could book a nice restaurant or take you on a walk for tomorrow or tonight and not break his promise to you?

Post # 36
Member
541 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

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@thecoffeefiend:  I imagine he was pretty bummed out by his destroyed plans and didn’t want to deal with organising something else. Is it reasonable/fair/a good excuse? No. Is it understandable? Yes. 
His plans fell through at the beginning of June, he’s taken a few weeks to mourn his plan, and now he’s planning something else.  (Of course he could be lying, but assuming he’s telling the truth I can understand his timeline… even though it sucks.)

This sounds promising bee! Fingers crossed that everything works out for you guys and his new plans go smoothly! Make sure you keep us updated 🙂

Post # 37
Member
1550 posts
Bumble bee

Thanks for the update OP! I am truly pulling for you. I hope that he’s telling the truth, but I’m glad to see that your eyes are open to the fact that he might not be. Keep your wits about you and remember your timeline – inaction is action! It’s saying no with your behaviors. 

However, if this is what you want, I really hope he pulls through for you. And I’m sorry to hear you haven’t been feeling well. Here’s hoping that the next few months bring you great things! ❤️

Post # 38
Member
2021 posts
Buzzing bee

Oh great-now he’s moved the goalpost again. And you are all too happy to go along with it yet again. 

everything about this post screams 36 year old bachelor. When u asked him about marriage two years in, he said he had never really thought about it? Give me a break. He knows what he wants by now. He never wanted marriage and you waited two years too long to find out if you were compatible on a basic level.

It was pretty irresponsible of you to buy property and drag your children into this situation with nothing more than some BS “soon” promise regarding engagement. You willingly trapped yourself in this situation based on nothing more than the sheer hope he would follow through on what you wanted. And he has yet to follow through!

3.5 years in and both late thirties? Sorry I don’t think it’s happening. He has made way too many excuses. 

And now hes changed the story to “oh actually I DO have a ring! But I’m still not going to propose and I need another month to give you the Super Speshul surprise you don’t want or need!” And here u are, eating it up. You explicitly told him the commitment is more important to you and yet he is STILL making you wait for some arbitrary reason. 

What will be different in July? The pandemic is still going on. Things are slowly opening up but depending on where you are, cases are spiking and places are closing back down and he may still not be able to travel with you to propose in some special location. He needs to get the fuck over it and just do it already. 

Do NOT give him another month. He has already had years too long. Given your multiple conversations and the fact that he knows you don’t care about the proposal and just want to be engaged, it is unacceptable for him to keep you waiting another month when he claims he already has a ring. That ship has sailed.

Also, the fact that he has done everything but propose by using you to subsidize his house, putting you on his insurance, etc is a tip off he is fine with commitment when he actually wants it. Why not wait til you’re married to put you on his insurance? Because marriage isn’t in his plans. It seems he’s happy to do everything with you but marriage 

You need to hold him to the original timeline in 2 days and decide what you’re going to do when he fails to propose. Tell him today he doesn’t need another month and you’re done with the delays and excuses. If he wants to marry you he will honor his word and original timeline. He can do a home proposal with the ring he says he has. 

Sorry bee but you need to stop with the excuses and inaction yourself and actually hold him accountable. I don’t see him ever marrying you and you need to make a plan for when he lets you down yet again. I wish I could be more optimistic but i think you made some bad decisions and will inevitably have to untangle yourself from him 

Next time don’t wait two years to ask someone if they want the major things you want out of life. That’s first date material. Don’t buy property with someone you’re not married to. Have some solid standards. You can’t complain about this situation because you willingly put you and your kids in this situation so you are not trapped. You did this to yourself and you can and will find a way to extricate yourself. 

Post # 39
Member
1214 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

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@neverbeenstungbee:  As strangers on the internet who do not know this man or couple I find this very harsh. He literally just reassured her he wants to marry her and explained what happened.

Happy to hear you both communicated!

It seems perfectly logical that he planned on proposing in June on your annual Vegas vacation which is where you had your first date and sentimental to you both. Also equally logical that with his plan unable to happen, dealing with the mold in your home, and you going through a flare of your chronic condition he didn’t think it was the right time. And didn’t want a living room proposal. Also logical that when you asked about the ring he had still wanted to surprise you so he said no and acted weird. He didn’t want to lie but also didn’t want to ruin the surprise. As H says, we have the rest of our lives. If he waits for you to feel better, and it’s a month later than when he had initially planned to propose in Vegas, it in no way affects the rest of your lives! He would rather propose to you when you are feeling better and he can make it special which is perfectly valid.

The timeframe was adjusted to be realistic to what is happening in your lives and wasn’t pushed to a time far in the future, but by 4 weeks from now.

I choose to give the benefit of the doubt and assume the best of others, especially my significant other!

Post # 40
Member
5346 posts
Bee Keeper

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@pnwwifeytobe:  Now you’re blaming your pre-existing conditions too. Great! Perhaps, take a closer look within yourself if you really wanna be with him or you just don’t wanna be alone. 

How about proving the doubters wrong (I’m gonna admit, I’m in this camp) and post your e-ring end of July so we can all shut up?

Post # 41
Member
5045 posts
Bee Keeper

I’m glad you communicated and that you seem satisfied with the answer at least.  Communication should always be the answer instead of worrying about surprises or thinking that having a simple conversation means you coerced someone into doing something they don’t want to do and then letting resentment build.

Do please have an exit plan though should this end up being another excuse and don’t let yourself become trapped in a situation of your own making by failing to prepare for the possibility that this may not end as you hope. Hopefully it turns out as you wish but you should never feel “stuck” or without options if it doesn’t – for this situation or any others that come up.

Post # 42
Member
1550 posts
Bumble bee

I’m all for having open eyes and ears and looking out for yourself, but yikes Bees, lighten up on OP a little bit.  We’ve all given her what I feel like is solid advice and now it’s up to her to act on it.  We don’t know her or her boyfriend and it sounds like they had a good conversation; if she wants to see what happens, that’s ok.  No need to rip her apart for it.

Post # 44
Member
2021 posts
Buzzing bee

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@elodie2019:  it is harsh and that’s my opinion. You are free to disagree but I stand by what I said. Sorry not sorry.

OP has even lowered herself to blaming his failure to act on her health conditions which I find very sad. 

If a man wants to propose, he will. Reassurance with words means nothing. He has yet to act so until he does I stand by all of my opinions.

Post # 45
Member
7610 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

“He said he’s going to take enough time off work to implement some of his ideas”

To me that just throws up more red flags that he’s going to again blame something in the future for his grand plans not coming through. In my eyes, he should have already realized that a huge grand proposal isn’t what’s important here but rather just getting engaged. I really hope he comes through for you bee.

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