(Closed) He broke it off months before our wedding

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
2934 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

I think the end of your post got cut off?

It sounds like he wants the relationship to be over but is having a hard time letting it go completely If you want him to stop contacting you, you’ll probably have to 1. tell him 2. block his phone calls, texts, etc. You won’t be able to move on if he’s still playing this game.

I’m so sorry!

Post # 4
4311 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Have you thought about the possibility there could be someone else? 

I agree with PP, if he wants out, he needs to get to stepping.  Can’t be playing these games w/children involved.  I’m sorry this is happening 🙁

Post # 6
293 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

You deserve better! And someone that will commit to you fully. He’s out there.

Post # 7
1339 posts
Bumble bee

You need to cut off contact with him altogether. Your actions are making it harder for him to stop leaving you alone. You have really lost touch with how to care for yourself. You need to put yourself first instead of him. Please get your dignity back. Read some self help books or find a therapist if you cannot do it on your own.

The most important thing that I hope you read though is you NEED TO CUT OFF CONTACT! Delete his texts and stop checking his Facebook. Things will get better if you take back some control.

Post # 8
927 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I’m so sorry, it must be devastating to break off an engagement. Seems like he has deep commitment issues, which as much as it hurts, it’s better that you found that out now rather than going through with the marriage. He seems emotionally immature. The best thing you can do is cut off contact, take some time to make yourself happy again! Do things with your friends, work on repairing your relationship with your sons, and remind yourself every day that you deserve to be happy.

Post # 9
688 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

you’re right, you do deserve better! cut off all contact, he’s only playing games with you, then you’ll truly be able to move on. and good for you for sorting out your feelings with a counselor. they can be your ally through all of this turmoil.

Post # 10
5660 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

There is a LOT of disfunction it seems in every relationship you have in your personal life. I think you really should seek counseling to figure out how to deal with everything that is going on, your sons, your ex husband, and thisyes – ex fiance. No one should ever have the balls to tell you you are LUCKy they love you. That’s just ridiculous. You really need to walk away from him. I mean seirously he walked out on you in the middle of the night and sent you a TEXT message? No self respecting person who is worthy of your love would ever treat you that way. 

Post # 11
169 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

I was going to suggest giving him a chance to go to counselling with you like he suggested…then I read your second half. 

Don’t settle for a guy who has a secret phone and tries to blame you for him walking out. If he was worried you were thinking of leaving a good partner would have talked to you about it to try stop you rather than jump ship. Go find someone who actually acts like they love you.

Post # 12
699 posts
Busy bee

@Gwen827:  He’s trying to make you feel inferior and unsure. Do not let him. I know this is hard, but you’ve got to block him from your phone, fb, any social apps etc. Trying to fit a circle into a square won’t work. you have to say no & mean it. he knows he’s got the upper hand, take back control & know you’ll land on your feet.

Post # 13
1094 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Oh darling, I’m so sorry you’re having to go through all this BS. *hug hug hug*

He used to tell me how lucky I was that he loved me.

I think that line says it all. That’s backwards. He should have said how lucky he felt to have you love him.  

At first I was almost about to suggest you try and work things out until your second update. He might say he loves you, but what are his actions saying?  Because you don’t sext other people and walk out on them in the middle of the night and blame them for everything. 




Post # 14
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I think he’s just playing games.

And this: “He is very jealous and when I told him that I was going to start getting out and about a bit as I was getting lonely on weekends when he was working.  He has now told me that he took that to mean that I was looking for a replacement relationship and I was planning to leave him.  So he left me before I left him.”

Is just immature bullshit. I wouldn’t accept that crap in a relationship. Guess what? Weeks when either my fiance or I work a ton more than the other, that other goes out with friends or at least to do things! So they won’t get bored or lonely! It has nothing to do with cheating, and in fact keeping up proper social contacts can probably help prevent cheating because the loneliness won’t ever get to that sort of stage. If someone doesn’t understand that, I personally could never be with them.

Oh wait I just saw the part about the sexting. Yes, his insecurity that you are trying to hook up with other people is now explained, as HE is trying to hook up with other people.

Tell him to not ever contact you again. And then move on with your life and ignore his attempts to communicate.

Post # 15
1469 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@MsJ2theZ:  +1. Who tells someone they love that they are lucky they are loved?! wtf. This  guy is a childish lying jerk. You deserve better but you need to heed the warning signs. You should have dumped him with the phone thing. It’s easy to say the right things and lavish a woman with attention to get her back. The FB thing is ridiculous. How old is he??! 

Post # 16
9954 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I read the whole thing.

I can see WHY you wrote so much… you are heart-broken and confused.

He is playing games with you. You deserve better. You won’t find it as long as you are tied to this man.

I was in an abusive marriage for over 20 years… it took me about 5 years, just to start to find myself again… 10 years to recover totally.

Divorce is never easy… it is heart-breaking.  It is a combo of a loss, and a sense of failure.  It takes a lot to go forward after that and find the right kind of guy.

Unfortunately, the way the world is now, for us women “of a certain age” that whole process can be much harder (fewer men living – men who only date younger women – men who are players – and men who are Divorced because lets face it some other woman “threw them away”… the quality guys are few and far between)

I consider myself blessed, I found a quality guy… and although I say it was by accident (I really wasn’t looking) in reality, I found a quality guy, because of what I WAS DOING… I was taking care of me !!

During my separation and divorce I got a lot of counselling for myself… as I knew I was severely broken and wanted to get right again.  The therapy was great… and self-awareness is very empowering.  And breeds confidence.

I also read a lot, and 2 of the best books I read helped me to see what I was doing wrong in Relationships (mistakes women often make) and how I could put out the right messages into the world so as to meet the right kinds of guys for me

The first one is Greg Behrendt’s “He’s Just Not That Into You”… a real eye-opener on how we as women too often date the wrong kinds of guys… because we don’t take the time or care to “read” the signals they send properly.

Have a feeling that you’ll find your guy in this book.

The second one, is by Dr Phil… “Love Smart ~ Find the One You Want / Fix the One You Got” a wonderful book about self discovery… will get you to ask yourself the hard questions about what you truly want out of a relationship… and how to find it (but also WHY your past tactics haven’t worked up until now)

Both books will give you a new lease on life and relationships… whether that means you get back together with this guy (doubt you will after you read the books)… you decide to take a break from dating, date casually, or have a serious vision of being in an emotionally healthy long lasting committed relationship (married or not… your choice)

From where I sit, it looks to me like you can dooo way better than this guy.  You are clearly an intelligent, well written – well spoken woman.  And outside of this situation, appear to be quite confident.

Confidence is a real sexy characteristic.  It is like catnip to men (maybe you’ve just been attracting the wrong cats !!)

Learn how to be more discerning.

Personally, if this guy was in my life, I would have shown him the door the day of the hidden cell-phone sext-ing stuff.  I have no tolerance for that crap.  (A downside of Internet Dating is you don’t always know what is out there… some of these fellows are technical savvy enough to have many women on the go at once… another reason to not commit on their part… and others of them, are just addicted to electronic sex be it Dating Websites – Sext-ing – Internet Hookers – or Internet Porn.

In my world… none of this is acceptable… because I want a guy who is focussed on ME the real life gal in his world…

But those are my values… realize that everyone is different.

For now tho… I’d be giving this guy the heave ho… it sounds to me that he is stringing you along… (what is this High School ?)

Lol, on that note you should also check out this great book, also by Greg Behrendt… “It is Called a Break Up Because It’s Broken ~ The Smart Girl’s Break Up Buddy”

Break Ups suck… but sometimes they are a necessary evil.

Mr Right cannot find you if you are tied down with Mr Wrong (or in this case Mr Right Now If I Feel Like It)

It may not feel like it this second… all the pain and confusion enveloping you…

But I promise…

You will survive… and love another day !!

And with a little self-help, it will end up to be a far better love… of that I’m certain !!

(( HUGS ))


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