(Closed) He broke it off months before our wedding

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 1
Member
21 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Hi bees

I have been googling and looking for guidance and came across some prior posts about broken engagements.  I joined wedding bee as a friend told me about what a great board this was for wedding planning. Never thought I would be posting about a broken engagement 🙁

It’s been nearly 6 weeks since he walked out on me.  It was such a shock and completely blindsighted me.  We had been having a few problems but certainly nothing that I would have foreseen him walking out on me.  He is a Paramedic and works shift work and I have been struggling with that.  Because I work a 9-5 Mon-Fri job we really had to make an effort to be together, which we did.  I absolutley love him and he still loves me.  But he is behaving so wierdly.  He left after an arguement and I went to sleep on the lounge.  He came in and told me to go back to the bed and he would sleep on his sons bed (he gets access the first 2 days after his 4 day work roster) After about half an hour I went to get him to apologise and he was gone.  I picked up my phone and found a text message where he told me that we were finished.  His reasons were that I struggled with his shift work, I struggled with his kids (true and there are reasons for that) and I was too social for him.  We are from 2 different worlds and I would be better off without him and should find someone that would make me happier.  Just like that, out of the blue.  As far as me struggling with his children, his 15 year old troubled teenage daughter stopped coming to visit a year prior.  She cuts herself and is causing lots of problems for her mother.  She has been put on anti-depressants and it has been a huge shock for me to deal with.  His family dynamics are way different to what mine has been.  So yes,I have been struggling but trying the best I could.  I would like to add that my 2 adult sons completely rejected him.  I have also discovered my ex-husband has been lying to my sons about me and they have listened and now my relationship has broken down with them.  Since my ex-fiance left the house, my oldest son came to be with me.  I have discovered that he has a major drinking problem and I have tried to organise help for him, but he has now refused that and denies he has a problem.  My youngest son has distanced himself from everyone as my ex-husband is verbally abusive and has now alienated himself from my youngest.  My ex-husband and oldest son keep in touch as they are both drinkers and both verbally abusive.  A very toxic situation.  I have had to ask my oldest son to leave the house as I am in so much pain dealing with my broken engagement and cannot deal with his alcoholism. 

Sorry for the long winded story, but I have to face my future alone, disconnected from my sons.  My mother is an another state and is mentally ill.  My father died over a year ago and was never there for me anyway.

As I said earlier, I love my ex-fiance (is that what he is now?) and he says he loves me very much.  6-7 weeks down the track there have been phone calls, visits and text messages.  I have been seeing a counsellor every week to cope. But the situationis this; he is playing games with me.  He says he loves me and wants to work things out but never makes time for me.  He is very insecure; one day he says he loves me, the next days he says we should go our separate ways.  Even now I am waiting for him to come to the house and the last message I got was about half an hour ago but I am seriously expecting him not to show up.  He is acting like a teenager.  I could go on and on but my question is this – what am I doing?  I tried to move on but he keeps messaging me and telling me he loves me.  I cave and can’t handle the pain anymore only to face the consequences of him being very non-commital.  What is wrong with him?  What is wrong with me?  I am an educated woman.  I have my own business.  I am guilty of isolating myself and spending all my time with him.  But then again as I write this I realise that his shift work meant I had to make alot of sacrifices to spend quality time with him.  He is very jealous and when I told him that I was going to start getting out and about a bit as I was getting lonely on weekends when he was working.  He has now told me that he took that to mean that I was looking for a replacement relationship and I was planning to leave him.  So he left me before I left him.

So now I am on my own, feeling al

 

 

 

 

Post # 3
Member
2934 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

I think the end of your post got cut off?

It sounds like he wants the relationship to be over but is having a hard time letting it go completely If you want him to stop contacting you, you’ll probably have to 1. tell him 2. block his phone calls, texts, etc. You won’t be able to move on if he’s still playing this game.

I’m so sorry!

Post # 4
Member
4311 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Have you thought about the possibility there could be someone else? 

I agree with PP, if he wants out, he needs to get to stepping.  Can’t be playing these games w/children involved.  I’m sorry this is happening 🙁

Post # 5
Member
21 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Yes, sorry my post did end quickly. He turned up and I didn’t want to lose what I had already  typed out. We spent the evening together and I was so angry at him. Everyone that he knows is telling him to work things out with me. He told our old neighbour last night that he had left me. They spent time on the phone talking about counselling options. I don’t think anyone saw this coming as we were so happy together. I would have agreed in the first few weeks that he was having trouble ending it. But I think he realises he made a huge mistake. He has said to me that he knows he did the wrong thing and took it too far. He never sat down with me as an adult despite me communicating to him my struggles. He has agreed to go to counselling with me. But I have been doing so much reading lately and trying to work things out and I just don’t know if I should hold onto him. What if I invest another 2 years with him and he does this again? He left his ex- wife and left his ex-girlfriend (who was expecting to be proposed to as he had bought an engagement and wedding band set that got stolen during a burglary) Does he have unrealistic expectations in relationships? Should I work through the pain and rebuild my life for a better future? I am starting over again and I thought I had my shot at happiness again and I got burned very badly. He used to tell me how lucky I was that he loved me. I am now thinking that it was a curse. 

i have asked if there is someone else and he insists that there is no-one. He works strange hours and he has his boy for 2 days after his 4 days work roster. The other 2 days he messages me or comes to the house and does the garden etc. I honestly believe that he left thinking that if he got a place on his own his daughter would come back to him. She hasn’t and now has a bakery apprenticeship where her hours are 1am to 9am so he never sees her. I asked him about this tonight and his expression said it all. and it has backfired on him and now he is alone. I don’t think he is interested in seeking another relationship but I obviously do not know what he gets up to. 

I will add this though, and here is the crux of it all. I met him on an on-line dating site. He cancelled his account as soon as he met me and he was 100% attentive to me. I thought he was my answer to prayer during my years in an unhappy marriage. He was the man of my dreams. One night when he was on night shift about 11 monthI into our relationship I was woken by an alarm. I couldn’t work out how to turn it off. I called him and asked how to turn off his clock radio alarm. It went off again and I realised it wasn’t the clock radio. It was coming from the bedside table drawer. I pulled out the bottom drawer and hidden underneath was a mobile phone. He called me to ask if the alarm had stopped. I said yes but it wasn’t the clock radio it was the mobile phone he had hidden. I then looked at the messages and saw he had been sexting at least 3 women. It looked like he was arranging to meet one of them but she bailed out on him. I was in shock. I was sitting in the lounge trying to comprehend what had been discovered and he walked into the house. He had booked off and got down on his knees and begged for forgiveness. He said he was going to prove to me that he was going to commit himself 100% to me. And he was genuinely sorry and he did treat me very well, so slowly I forgave him. But despite me asking several times he never told me why he felt the need to sext those women. We had a great sex life and fantastic chemistry. And he was very happy and contented. Everyone said how much he had changed and how settled and calm he was since he met me. He has said that he never intended on meeting the women and it was more the thrill of the flirting than actually going through with anything. I have confided this to my best friend and she thinks it was more of a fetish nature than him actually cheating in the physical sense. Still extremely hurtful All the same. 

So there it is. All out in the open. And now he has walked out on me and acting like a childish teenager. Defriending me from Facebook and putting his status as single. Refusing to talk to any of his family. I even got a text message from his SIL saying how excited she was about the wedding and that she has booked her annual leave to come to the wedding. 

I ask again – why won’t I just walk away? Even as I type this I just think what an arse he is. If I was reading this I’d be saying get out, you deserve better. 

Post # 6
Member
293 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

You deserve better! And someone that will commit to you fully. He’s out there.

Post # 7
Member
1339 posts
Bumble bee

You need to cut off contact with him altogether. Your actions are making it harder for him to stop leaving you alone. You have really lost touch with how to care for yourself. You need to put yourself first instead of him. Please get your dignity back. Read some self help books or find a therapist if you cannot do it on your own.

The most important thing that I hope you read though is you NEED TO CUT OFF CONTACT! Delete his texts and stop checking his Facebook. Things will get better if you take back some control.

Post # 8
Member
927 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I’m so sorry, it must be devastating to break off an engagement. Seems like he has deep commitment issues, which as much as it hurts, it’s better that you found that out now rather than going through with the marriage. He seems emotionally immature. The best thing you can do is cut off contact, take some time to make yourself happy again! Do things with your friends, work on repairing your relationship with your sons, and remind yourself every day that you deserve to be happy.

Post # 9
Member
688 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

you’re right, you do deserve better! cut off all contact, he’s only playing games with you, then you’ll truly be able to move on. and good for you for sorting out your feelings with a counselor. they can be your ally through all of this turmoil.

Post # 10
Member
5660 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

There is a LOT of disfunction it seems in every relationship you have in your personal life. I think you really should seek counseling to figure out how to deal with everything that is going on, your sons, your ex husband, and thisyes – ex fiance. No one should ever have the balls to tell you you are LUCKy they love you. That’s just ridiculous. You really need to walk away from him. I mean seirously he walked out on you in the middle of the night and sent you a TEXT message? No self respecting person who is worthy of your love would ever treat you that way. 

Post # 11
Member
169 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

I was going to suggest giving him a chance to go to counselling with you like he suggested…then I read your second half. 

Don’t settle for a guy who has a secret phone and tries to blame you for him walking out. If he was worried you were thinking of leaving a good partner would have talked to you about it to try stop you rather than jump ship. Go find someone who actually acts like they love you.

Post # 12
Member
699 posts
Busy bee

@Gwen827:  He’s trying to make you feel inferior and unsure. Do not let him. I know this is hard, but you’ve got to block him from your phone, fb, any social apps etc. Trying to fit a circle into a square won’t work. you have to say no & mean it. he knows he’s got the upper hand, take back control & know you’ll land on your feet.

Post # 13
Member
1094 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Oh darling, I’m so sorry you’re having to go through all this BS. *hug hug hug*

He used to tell me how lucky I was that he loved me.

I think that line says it all. That’s backwards. He should have said how lucky he felt to have you love him.  

At first I was almost about to suggest you try and work things out until your second update. He might say he loves you, but what are his actions saying?  Because you don’t sext other people and walk out on them in the middle of the night and blame them for everything. 

 

 

 

Post # 14
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I think he’s just playing games.

And this: “He is very jealous and when I told him that I was going to start getting out and about a bit as I was getting lonely on weekends when he was working.  He has now told me that he took that to mean that I was looking for a replacement relationship and I was planning to leave him.  So he left me before I left him.”

Is just immature bullshit. I wouldn’t accept that crap in a relationship. Guess what? Weeks when either my fiance or I work a ton more than the other, that other goes out with friends or at least to do things! So they won’t get bored or lonely! It has nothing to do with cheating, and in fact keeping up proper social contacts can probably help prevent cheating because the loneliness won’t ever get to that sort of stage. If someone doesn’t understand that, I personally could never be with them.

Oh wait I just saw the part about the sexting. Yes, his insecurity that you are trying to hook up with other people is now explained, as HE is trying to hook up with other people.

Tell him to not ever contact you again. And then move on with your life and ignore his attempts to communicate.

Post # 15
Member
1469 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@MsJ2theZ:  +1. Who tells someone they love that they are lucky they are loved?! wtf. This  guy is a childish lying jerk. You deserve better but you need to heed the warning signs. You should have dumped him with the phone thing. It’s easy to say the right things and lavish a woman with attention to get her back. The FB thing is ridiculous. How old is he??! 

Post # 16
Member
9954 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I read the whole thing.

I can see WHY you wrote so much… you are heart-broken and confused.

He is playing games with you. You deserve better. You won’t find it as long as you are tied to this man.

I was in an abusive marriage for over 20 years… it took me about 5 years, just to start to find myself again… 10 years to recover totally.

Divorce is never easy… it is heart-breaking.  It is a combo of a loss, and a sense of failure.  It takes a lot to go forward after that and find the right kind of guy.

Unfortunately, the way the world is now, for us women “of a certain age” that whole process can be much harder (fewer men living – men who only date younger women – men who are players – and men who are Divorced because lets face it some other woman “threw them away”… the quality guys are few and far between)

I consider myself blessed, I found a quality guy… and although I say it was by accident (I really wasn’t looking) in reality, I found a quality guy, because of what I WAS DOING… I was taking care of me !!

During my separation and divorce I got a lot of counselling for myself… as I knew I was severely broken and wanted to get right again.  The therapy was great… and self-awareness is very empowering.  And breeds confidence.

I also read a lot, and 2 of the best books I read helped me to see what I was doing wrong in Relationships (mistakes women often make) and how I could put out the right messages into the world so as to meet the right kinds of guys for me

The first one is Greg Behrendt’s “He’s Just Not That Into You”… a real eye-opener on how we as women too often date the wrong kinds of guys… because we don’t take the time or care to “read” the signals they send properly.

Have a feeling that you’ll find your guy in this book.

The second one, is by Dr Phil… “Love Smart ~ Find the One You Want / Fix the One You Got” a wonderful book about self discovery… will get you to ask yourself the hard questions about what you truly want out of a relationship… and how to find it (but also WHY your past tactics haven’t worked up until now)

Both books will give you a new lease on life and relationships… whether that means you get back together with this guy (doubt you will after you read the books)… you decide to take a break from dating, date casually, or have a serious vision of being in an emotionally healthy long lasting committed relationship (married or not… your choice)

From where I sit, it looks to me like you can dooo way better than this guy.  You are clearly an intelligent, well written – well spoken woman.  And outside of this situation, appear to be quite confident.

Confidence is a real sexy characteristic.  It is like catnip to men (maybe you’ve just been attracting the wrong cats !!)

Learn how to be more discerning.

Personally, if this guy was in my life, I would have shown him the door the day of the hidden cell-phone sext-ing stuff.  I have no tolerance for that crap.  (A downside of Internet Dating is you don’t always know what is out there… some of these fellows are technical savvy enough to have many women on the go at once… another reason to not commit on their part… and others of them, are just addicted to electronic sex be it Dating Websites – Sext-ing – Internet Hookers – or Internet Porn.

In my world… none of this is acceptable… because I want a guy who is focussed on ME the real life gal in his world…

But those are my values… realize that everyone is different.

For now tho… I’d be giving this guy the heave ho… it sounds to me that he is stringing you along… (what is this High School ?)

Lol, on that note you should also check out this great book, also by Greg Behrendt… “It is Called a Break Up Because It’s Broken ~ The Smart Girl’s Break Up Buddy”

Break Ups suck… but sometimes they are a necessary evil.

Mr Right cannot find you if you are tied down with Mr Wrong (or in this case Mr Right Now If I Feel Like It)

It may not feel like it this second… all the pain and confusion enveloping you…

But I promise…

You will survive… and love another day !!

And with a little self-help, it will end up to be a far better love… of that I’m certain !!

(( HUGS ))

 

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