(Closed) He broke off the marriage… I am miserable :(

posted 3 years ago in Engagement
Post # 31
Member
45 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I agree with the two pp’s… relationships are tough, and sometimes things go wrong and people make mistakes. I hope everything works out for you in the end 🙂

Post # 32
Member
2701 posts
Sugar bee

Realize that if you do take him back, there will probably be no wedding. I don’t think he objected to YOU as much as he simply isn’t ready to get married. By breaking it off and mending it, he now gets to string you along another year or two while you guys take baby steps in renewing your relationship. Unless you’re prepared for another long wait, if say move along. 

Post # 33
Member
347 posts
Helper bee

lovemermaid10:  stay strong bee. Take time (care of) for you, no contact rule.

Post # 34
Member
191 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I’m going to give some advice that others may not agree with. I think you should give him a second chance.  It sounds like he really messed up and is really regretting it.  But he didn’t do something irrevocable. For example, he didn’t cheat on you. He didn’t abuse you. He did betray your trust by walking out, but you can build that back up.  I think in your heart you aren’t ready to let go (I’m basing that on your update post), but you also deserve better. I think you should give him a second chance, but he has to prove himself. First, I think you absolutely should go to couples counseling. Second, you should definitely postpone the wedding, but also give him a timeline for it so he doesn’t waste your time.  Third, he needs to fully understand how much he hurt you and that this is it. This is his last chance to prove to you how much he wants you. Also, the amount you both spend on the wedding and relationship should be more equal. 

I’ve heard of other relationships like yours, that started out this way. One person had doubts and broke it off, but then came back shortly afterwards and was given a second chance and they ended up married and happy.  

This may just make your relationship stronger. But remember that he has to actually change and commit to you fully. He needs to know that the next time he walks out, it’s completely over and he will get no more chances.

Post # 35
Member
1271 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

lovemermaid10:  He probably had cold feet from the very beginning b/c I don’t understand how he contributed $0 to the wedding. Your wedding is most likely off even if you two do get back together. It will take awhile for you to build the trust back up among other things.

Think of all the work you have to put into that relationship before you can even get married again.

  • Work on his communication skills within the relationship
  • Rebuilding the trust b/t you two
  • Rebuilding the passion. The first two items will take a toll, do you feel the passion can be rekindled? You two are still young. How did the passion die already?
  • Saving up for the wedding. Are you going to be footing the bill entirely again? 

Do you think his reasons for canceling the wedding were good enough? Do you think it’s fair that he had his family try to guilt you into giving him another chance? Do you feel respected? You asked for some space and he is bombarding you with apologies and sad songs. When he asked for space, didn’t you essentially give it to him? 

Don’t refrain from being with him b/c other people are telling you to do so. Do it for yourself. 

Regardless of whether you plan on getting back together with him, I think you need to have space and time. You need enough time to get over that hump of missing him and remembering the good times. Once you aren’t emotional anymore, then reassess and figure out if you want to be with him.  If the answer is yes, then go to therapy as a couple. Until then, tell him to leave you alone in every sense of the word. If you are truly the one for him, then he will wait. You deserve that considering what he put you through. 

There is no right or wrong answer to your problem. You can only follow your gut. I’m not as kind as you are nor am I a forgiving person. I am not the type to get over the humiliation. I will always hold it against him for disrespecting me in that manner, for not contributing to the wedding, for not properly communicating with me once he felt the passion died, for not giving me space when I asked for it, etc. Because I will hold those grudges, it makes sense that I can’t continue on with the relationship. You aren’t as emotionally irrational as I am, so the chances of that type of relationship working out is higher for you. I can only wish you the best and I pray you don’t give him another chance. 

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by  dojx.
Post # 40
Member
46 posts
Newbee

I’m so sorry you’re going throw this; I couldn’t imagine what I would do if my husband ever did that to me before we got married (we were together for three and half years before he proposed, and another year and a half before we got married).

I think you need some time to reflect on things and listen to what your inner voice is telling you. Sometimes that voice may be hard to hear so you’ll have to distance yourself from distractions including your ex-fiance and his family. If you feel that you guys truly love each other and are meant to be together, then you should forgive him and pick up your engagment where it left off. If you feel otherwise, then stick with your decision not to marry him. I hope you make the decision that is best for you.

Post # 41
Member
1420 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Yea, don’t waste your time on this fuckboy. There are men out there who will take care of yourself. Hugs bee.

Post # 42
Member
3307 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’m kind of stuck at the part where you said you were paying for everything for the wedding. That’s bad enough right there. So now you know exactly why he broke it off. Don’t kid yourself, he wanted this other girl and she was the catalyst. I could have told you that when he said he didn’t feel the passion anymore. Your reaction makes it plain that you still have strong feelings for him. So tread carefully. Don’t be a weak fool and indulge those feelings. If you take him back you will look desperate – you will be desperate. You can do better.

 

 

Post # 43
Member
3541 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 29th, 2016

lovemermaid10:  Ok after this last update, yes, that definitely would remove any doubt from before. You deserve so much better! I would cut all contact and try to move on… Yes, it will hurt and take time, but you’ll be so much better off in the long run. He sounds immature and not ready for a commitment as serious as marriage. So sorry that this happened to you, but better now before the wedding than after. 

Post # 44
Member
1883 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

So sorry you are going through this. Clearly you are a classy, kind and wonderful person, you’ve handled this so gracefully in spite of him having hurt you so badly. Sounds like he had a case of the “grass is greener on the other side” syndrome with this other girl and started thinking your long term relationship wasn’t as exciting as the potential of a new hookup… and the grass wasn’t greener after all. The fact that he was willing to break your heart so easily and then try to run back as soon as things didn’t work out with her makes me think he is not husband material at this time in his life. You are a catch, as I’m sure he is now aware (as is his whole family!) and you can and will find someone who is as dedicated a partner as you are and who truly deserves you.  

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