- 8 years ago
I’ve been dealing with this disaster for over four months now and finally decided to post something online. Not sure if anyone has any similar experiences.
We were engaged after a short time – only four months. Of course that’s very soon, but I was 29 and he was 33 – we had both dated plenty of people by that point and this just felt right. Honestly I could’ve gone a couple years without being engaged, but his proposal was a surprise, and I accepted. Sometimes, I thought, things just work out! So I decided to take a great leap of faith and marry him. To me, he was perfect. Everything about our relationship was perfect.
I moved in with him shortly after we became engaged. Things were wonderful – we had so much fun together and I was sure he was the one. Four months later, just three months before our wedding, we went to our first pre-marital counseling session. The minister seemed more like a prosecuting attorney than someone who wanted to help us; he mostly just talked about divorce rates and such during this first session.
The morning after the counseling session, my fiance woke up and said he couldn’t do it. He wasn’t ready to get married and he didn’t want to feel trapped or locked in. He didn’t think he wanted to share his life with anyone. I was completely shocked – everything had been so perfect every day. I didn’t see this coming. I did what I needed to do and moved back to my condo the very next day (luckily it hadn’t sold yet). I tried to work things out with him. Emailed, called, etc. (but not excessively). He replied with short, cold messages, said he needed to figure himself out, then he just didn’t reply at all. Nothing.
Finally three weeks later, he came back and agreed to work on things. We talked a lot, then agreed to try to go on dates and salvage a relationship. After “dating” for about a week, he showed up at my place to pick me up for a date one Saturday, and as soon as he got in the door, he said that he couldn’t do it. He said he felt like he was lying to me every time he saw me, and that he couldn’t continue dating me. He left. I was devastated. He disappeared. No contact.
Meanwhile I picked up the pieces and actually began dating someone new a couple months later. We’ve been dating for two months now and things are going great. The relationship is progressing more slowly, actually at a normal pace. I don’t want to rush into anything like I did before. The new guy is very nice, a total gentleman.
And wouldn’t you know it? The ex has returned. He sent an email recently, after disappearing for three months, saying that he’s been seeing a counselor, and basically he just freaked out because everything in his life changed so quickly. He says he knows that I’m “the one”. He says he left the second time because he had so much guilt for hurting me that he couldn’t bare to look at me. He said he needed to figure out what was wrong with him because he hurt the most important person in his life so badly. He says he blocked out his feelings and didn’t contact me because he was afraid of hurting me.
I replied and told him that I had met someone new, and that I forgive him, but that I can’t trust him again. He’s emailed several times since then. Once he dropped off a 9 page letter at my house, so I had to talk to him. I stuck to my guns and said that I’m sorry, but I can’t put my heart out there again. He says he’ll wait for me because he knows I’m the one.
And even though I’ve stood strong on the outside, I can’t help but wonder “what if?” What if he did just freak out and he’s really the one? Our relationship was better than any I’ve ever had. I do miss it. I miss how things were. But things aren’t the same now. I’m dating a really great guy and I’m happy dating him. But the relationship with my ex was so much more special than any relationship I’ve ever had. Should I stay strong, block him out, and continue moving forward on my path? Or should I look back and consider the fact that I may be passing up “the one”?