(Closed) He broke our engagement, dissappeared. Now he wants me back.

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 17
Member
3696 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

The best outcome seems that he has learned his lessons and will be a good husband… to someone else.  You won’t be able to trust him, and he’ll always know that you’ll forgive him for anything and come back. 

Post # 18
Hostess
7547 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

Your writing makes it seem like you think the marital counselor planted some seed in his mind…do you want to be with someone who’s that easily convinced to leave you? 

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JrzyGurl and 
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soy said, do you think you can trust someone who ditched you twice? Things are going to get harder than this, I would need to know that my husband would always support me. 

Post # 19
Member
719 posts
Busy bee

Sounds like a classic committment-phobe to me. When they are in the relationship, they want out-when they are out, they want back in. They can’t committ to staying or leaving.  Watched this exact same scenario play out with my sister and her ex-husband, except she was the one jerking him around.  Stand your ground. This guy has nothing to offer you but heartache.   

ETA: By the way, my sister re-married and is now playing the same game with her new husband.  Threatened to leave him, found a place to live, and when he called her bluff and said he was filing for divorce, she gave up her new apartment and went back. As soon as she got back in the house, she started talking about leaving again.  These are truly damaged people and they don’t change without a LOT of intensive therapy.   

Post # 20
Member
1684 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

No.

You’ve moved on, you said you’re in a good relationship with a great guy.

That your ex has showed up with all his emotional maladjustment and started trying to screw up your new life isn’t romantic. He’s not there because he loves you. He’s there for himself, because he’s lonely, and it turns out there aren’t that many people willing to put up with his messed up crap, and it would be easier to stuff you back into the girlfriend slot than it would be to actually fix his emotional wreckage to the point where he’s capable of a healthy relationship. (Yeah… sure he did all that in just three months of counseling. I bet he’s got a lovely bridge for sale too.)

That dude isn’t the one. He’s a toxic drama bomb.  

It’s one thing to stay amicable with an ex that can respect boundaries and is genuinely happy for your future, but this guy is trying to undermine your current relationship. Tell him to get gone. Stop answering his calls and texts. Block his number, block his FB, send his email to spam, and return his letters unopened with “Recipient not interested in your bullshit” written across the back. 

Post # 21
Member
1718 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@kw617: and 
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@DaneLady:  +1

I dated this guy who I thought was “the one”. 1.5 years into the relationship, he breaks up with me through text and disappears for 3 mos.  He reappeared and wanted to start a relationship again and that I was “the one”.  I was reluctant but still kept in contact until I learned he was stringing me along until he found his gf. 

You don’t deserve a flaky, commitment-phobe.

[FYI:  I believe that some people need second chances but your ex didn’t have any good reason to disappear for 3 mos.]

Post # 22
Member
11736 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Rachel82:  I’m so proud of you for how you have responded to him and for not allowing him back in your life.

I’m pretty sure your ex is my ex, right down to the therapy part (only we weren’t engaged or living together)!  

As for the what ifs?  These guys will never change.  What if you took him back?  Well, as soon as he has you back things will be great for a while then he will go back to wanting to be single and the cycle will go on and on and on.  I stayed in it for a year – it was the worst year of my life!  You are smart for getting out when you did.  Tell your ex you want nothing more from him – no contact. Be firm. If he continues contact I would seriously call the police for harassment.  I imagine now that he knows you are dating someone new and are unavaialble he will come at you harder and harder.  Keep dating your new man – he sounds fantastic!!

Post # 23
Member
506 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

The main important thing is do you love your current boyfriend? and do you think he deserves you better than your currently ex? i think its unfair for him that you are dating him and still think your ex maybe “the one”, i have a friend who was cheated by an ex and married the ex afterward. Maybe think it through, and trust your gut if your ex and YOU should have a second chance or not.

Post # 26
Member
536 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

peace of mind is priceless. you will always wonder if he will walk out on you; every fight, every slight disagreement, youll always panic.

 

thats no way to live.

 

Post # 27
Member
4474 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I really like that you’lre sticking to your guns.  The new guy sounds great, it sounds like you’ve got a good head on your shoulders.  The ex had his chances, and blew it each time.  Relationships are serious things with a lot of emotional investment.  He needs to learn that you can’t put people through emotional turmoil at every whim.  You’re making the right call by not going back to him.

Post # 28
Member
115 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

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@Rachel82:  Awesome! Seriously props to you for being such a smart cookie! 🙂 I was just about to write how it was HE who proposed and rushed things (I don’t think anyone else had mentionned yet), and then I see that you noticed that all by yourself! >_< Love this thread, honestly it’s rare to read something like this and not be left frustrated at the end when the bee takes him back and you know he’s just going to hurt her again! 😛 *hugs*

Post # 29
Member
42 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Rachel82:  

I had to chime in here…

My fiance experienced this in his previous relationship, and I did, too, in one of mine.  Rest assured, he WILL do this again.  He’s already figured out he can do this and get away with it.  I think the fact that there is a new guy on the scene is the impetus driving him.

Keep loser boy out of your life, then make yourself some popcorn and watch the show–he will be crawling on his hands and knees to get you back the second this new guy puts a doorknob-sized diamond on your hand.  And that, my dear, is where your absolution is.  It’s sadistic, true, but he’s nuts.  You aren’t.  Wink

Post # 31
Member
194 posts
Blushing bee

I agree with what everybody is saying here!  For what it’s worth, I dated the “love of my life” once I was in college, and he dumped me many, many times (Valentine’s Day, Christmas!).  He would come crawling back saying he had changed, and I forgave him because I knew he was “the one”.  It took me 4 years and too many breakups to realize that “the one” doesn’t leave you over and over again.  I dropped him and never looked back.

My husband, the ACTUAL one, pursued me, loved me, proposed to me, and continues to adore me day in and day out, even when I don’t deserve it.  I cannot even imagine what my life would be like without him, and how horrible it would have been if I’d taken that loser back again.

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