(Closed) He broke our engagement, dissappeared. Now he wants me back.

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 32
Member
9816 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Something kindasorta similar happened to me with “The Ex” and I was in the same state. I was really confused, he was saying all the right things, but something was nagging me and making me wonder if he was just going to take off again.

My best friend gave me the advice that helped me snap out of it. I was giving her the “Well he said he was scared, but now he’s ready to commit” talk, and she nodded politely, then said “Yeah… see to me that sounds like code for ‘I wanted to see what else was out there before settling down to see if I could do better, and I didn’t, so here I am again.'”

I realized that she was right and never looked back. Now I’m married to a very loving partner and we have 2 beautiful daughters.

Post # 33
Member
5976 posts
Bee Keeper

View original reply
@Rachel82:  You’re doing the right thing by moving on. What’s to say that if you do take him back, get married, have kids, that he won’t have another freakout and leave you now with kids?? He’s done it once and made you clean up the mess he left behind, he will do it again. You’re a million times better off moving on and leaving this loser behind.

Post # 34
Member
429 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

He might think youre the one but I honestly believe when you are the one for someone there is no doubt whatsoever and you would NEVER do anything to jeapordize your relationship, once youre committed to someone you wouldnt freak out and leave. Ive seen guys freak out before weddings etc but not to the point where they leave. Thats unacceptable. Stay strong girl, what happens if he’s only coming back to you because he heard you were with someone else? Jealousy and selfishness are ugly things to me this sounds like a case of

“I dont really want you but I dont want anyone else to have you either” Id be so afraid if you break it off with this new guy and go back to your ex that your ex will run away as soon as he realises he can have you back! Good Luck

Post # 35
Member
110 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I divorced my first husband for these reasons. We met and had a relationship that was like being burned by fire, it was very intense. So we married quickly, we were happy and got along great. Later on about a year later doubts started and I could tell he was starting to fumble. I started to become unhappy and more often then not I would go to my parents house to spend time with them or my friends because he would leave for hours. Staying home just waiting for the bomb to drop was awful.

Then I found out I was pregnant with twins (while on bc for that matter). It was my pushing point. I didn’t want to stay and raise children with him in that kind of situation. I was 3 months preggers when I left and it hurt but it was right, we needed to get away from each other before that fire turned toxic and we hated one another, and it would have ended that way, I know it.

Till this day we have a good working relationship for our girls, we get along and laugh and can be friends, but this is because we knew to get out, if we waited I’m sure we would both be bitter and resentful. He’s so much better now and hes married, happily to boot. But let me tell you he had ALOT of therapy to achive this, and his now wife is very very patient with him when he starts to get anxiety, but it works for them. She’s a great step-mom to my girls too, though that’s beside the point. 😉 

I don’t tell you this for it to be the worst case scenario but as a real posibility of what could happen and to be prepared if you make that choice. I think the fact that your ex is in therapy shows he really is trying to overcome. I don’t think he deserves be equated with these men that up and leave and don’t care, that think only of themselves. He obviously cares if he’s trying, but has some major fear going on. At the same time you have to do whats right for you and you need to weigh out if being with him would be worth those struggles, because they will more than likely re-occur. For me it wasn’t, it set my teeth on edge and we couldn’t relax together anymore. 

It sounds to me you have a good head on your shoulder’s and you will choose what’s best for you, you speak like you’ve really thought this out which is the way to go, I know it’s hard because he’s trying to be sincere and it sets your thoughts in motion, but I think choosing and sticking to it will be the best for you. I definitely would either accept him, or tell him flat out no and not even try to be friends. That sounds harsh but it would hurt both of you to try to be friends at this point.

Post # 36
Member
433 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@Rachel82:  

No. You moved on, which was the right thing to do. He’s not a child, he’s a man in his 30s who can’t commit, and if you leave your current situation and go back to him he’ll just do the same thing all over again. No thanks.

Post # 37
Member
1277 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

OP I am glad you have had such great advice from our fellow bees….and glad that you have your head on straight and moving forward….I had a similar situation happen to me….and turns out he did me a favor because now I am happily married with the “REAL ONE”….lol

Best wishes to you and your new and increcible future with the new one!

Post # 38
Member
3774 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2004

I can totally relate to what you are going through.  My husband broke off our engagement twice in about 6 months as well.  He really was just simply in the middle of a major freak out.  I knew that he was the one, and as angry as I was with him, I couldn’t picture my life without him.  I can proudly say that we have been married for going on eight years and we are the happiest married couple I know.  I love him so much, and I am so glad that I was able to see past his fear.  Dating the new guy I a complication I didn’t have. 

Post # 39
Member
619 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

He sounds like a flake and irresponsible in multiple areas of his life. If he flaked out on you when things were going well, what can you expect from him when tough times come?

Post # 40
Member
9129 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

I would always worry that I would come home to an empty house one day because he couldn’t deal with me or our marriage that day.

Post # 41
Member
2398 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

View original reply
@Swizzle:  Agreed! 

He does not deserve another chance. 

Post # 42
Member
442 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

This guy is unstable and all about the drama, which is probably why things with him felt so intense… but please remember, he’s toxic.

 

If you take him back, he’ll give you nothing but heartache. I promise you that the love of your life would never treat you the way he has.

Post # 43
Member
4304 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Honestly I dont think you would have moved on so quickly if you were that invested in this drama queen.  You’re doing the right thing.  Block that nutcase & change your number!

Post # 44
Member
346 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I’ll be the little devil on your other shoulder… I dated my SO for 5 years everything was great we had been living together for 2 of those years.  we werent engaged at this point but we both were very certain we wanted to get married at some point.  Since we were both in college i was fine with the position i was in at that point.  2 months after our 5 year aniversary out of the blue he literally flipped, he wanted to break up,  He wanted to be single and have the freedom.  3 months later we moved out of our apt and went our separate ways.

 

after being single for four months and healing my wounds i met a great guy, absolutely perfect in every relm.  Had a good head on his shoulders, owned his own business, had all his i’s dotted.  He had perfect manners, always treated me with respect and did every possible thing to make me a happy girl.  After dating this new beau for 4 months (8 months after we broke up) my SO came to my home and wanted to talk. 

 

I ended up breaking it off with my new bf to give my ex a chance again.  3 years after that we moved to FL and within 4 months of moving we got engaged.  I never think back “what if” though. 

Post # 45
Member
209 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Better off without him girl, never look back keep going forward and you will find your happiness.

Post # 46
Member
1782 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I don’t feel that a man who really loved you, even if it was really intense and fast would leave you. I would not allow him back into your life, but always follow your gut instincts… they will not stear you wrong.

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