(Closed) He called off the engagement and broke up with me

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
262 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Oh shucks baby girl..I am sooo sorry. I hope he will calm down and you two can have discussion sooner than later. He seems to have underlying issues of not being enough for you and maybe if you can get to to the bottom of those issues youu two can move past it.

If he will not talk about what is going on in a civilized way, then you might have to move on with your life and mend your heart. I really wish this was not your path in life. 

Post # 4
Member
8882 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

This just breaks my heart, I am so sorry he did this. To be honest, if I knew him I’d slap him across the face. After all that time together, he couldn’t grow a pair and do this in person. Phone/Text is such a cowardly way to do it.

It hurts right now but maybe in the end this is how it was meant to be. If he cannot respect you enough to come talk to you in person, you deserve better.

Post # 5
Member
110 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Oh my goodness, horrible, just horrible.  Nobody deserves this.  Unfortunately for you, I think you just have to give him time and space for him to figure out for himself what on earth he’s doing and that it’s not okay for him to have treated you like that.  

Take the time to do things for yourself.  Something like this could make a person start to really feel down about their selves, but these are clearly his own issues, not yours.  So go treat yourself in whatever way makes you happy–whether it’s a spa day, spending time with friends,  or taking a little trip, just do something for yourself to take your mind off of all of his negativity.

Post # 6
Member
291 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

oh dear. this is so sad. i agree that he shouldn’t have just texted you those things. i think you need to cool down and once you’re both calm then it is best you have a proper talk in person. you said you were childhood friends and are best friends. it’s just a shame for all that to go to waste. maybe he’s going through something and he just needs to talk it out. or if it really is something that cannot be fixed, then at least you can end it properly. it’ll also be good for your own peace of mind.

i wish you best of luck. *hugs*

Post # 7
Member
1333 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

This is very sad.  It sounds like he needs to grow up a bit.  His ‘examples’ of WHY you do not appreciate who he is, etc, had little to do with you.  It sounds like OTHERS shared an opinion, and yet, he blamed you?!?!

I agree with PP that for now, before he comes back into your town, take time for yourself.  Really evaluate what you need, and/or want.  And really *try* to continually remind yourself that it is not YOU that are causing people to ‘walk away’ or stray, or whatever.  IT IS THEM!

Hopefully, then, when you two do sit down face-to-face you will have some perspective, and perhaps he will too.  Maybe it is cold feet, stress, etc. Regardless, he needs to communicate all of this with you in a mature manner!! I would at the very least demand that from him, whether it is to ‘patch’ holes in your relationship, or for closure!

I wish you all the best.  I can only imagine  how hard this is for you.  Take care.

Post # 8
Member
1747 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Darling, that is so terrible. I am sorry for the pain you are going through. 

What I can say is that his reaction dictates feelings that have festered underneath his cool exterior for sometime, which means he is terrible at communicating and that’s a red flag from the start.

To be so far from eachother and not have expressly planned out future goals with you seems difficult enough–who would have won that fight? He seems unyielding. But to also know that none of those decisions were being made on top of him feeling like you somehow “control” him means he was bound to resent you no matter what. Which you do not deserve.

What was the argument that started this whole thing about? Anything serious? For it to go from 0 to 60 in so short a time means this was probably brewing for him a while and he is a coward for doing it like this.

I don’t know him, I don’t know you’re relationship, but I certainly think you deserve better than a pompous ass who cancels on you the day before your engagement shoot and doesn’t have the respect for you to talk things over in person or even bother making it somewhat of a priority.

I hope things get better soon and that you can take some much needed time for yourself and to pursue whatever will make you happy during this very difficult time.

Post # 9
Member
7693 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@V-Gal1234:  Wow!  I’d be confused too!  It sounds like there is something more that is going on with him.  Could he have met someone else?  Or is it because you seemed to jump the gun with asking him what to tell your parents and how he wants his stuff, that he thought that you wanted to throw in the towel-and he is hurt by that?  I just don’t understand.  Do you think he just needs a little time/space?  What do you think he would do, if you just showed up?  I guess I agree with @BuzzBuzz:  take some time and treat yourself well.  I am sorry.  It sounds pretty shocking!  Who breaks up over a little fight?  Best Wishes. 

Post # 10
Member
1351 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I am so very sorry. This sounds like; STRESS. He and you both sound completely stressed out. Fiance and I are in similar positions as to where to live, he has a job here, I have better prospects elsewhere. And, that coupled with wedding planning and everyone’s opinions on where, what, when, why on big life decisions can be extremely stressful. I know, I’m in the thick of it myself. I really hope it works out. I’d give him some time to cool off. But, he still shouldn’t have yelled and talked to you that way, it just seems like he was shutting down and overwhelmed. 

Post # 12
Member
820 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I’m so sorry you’re going through this! Can there be something else going on with him right now? I hope this works out for you and that he doesn’t just throw away 2 1/2 years. 

Post # 13
Member
305 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@: “He likes to be mysterious, doesn’t like to have to let me know if there is a change in his plan and tell people to wait for him to text me and let me know.(I am not the type of girl that has trust issues and checks on the guy or asks too many questions, believe me. I didn’t even ask where they went and what they did and I have NEVER asked. My point was that I got worried)…”

Honestly, the line about him “liking to be mysterious” made me cringe.  I would assume he knows what you went through with your ex-fiance cheating on you and breaking your trust, so why in the WORLD would your new fiance, knowing this, and being your friend from childhood ever put you through worrying after where he is?  I trust my fiance implicitly too, but you know what?  If he went incommunicado for 8 hours drinking, I would be worried sick he got too drunk and wasn’t okay.  I think your fiance is selfish sweetie. You are long distance and should have the right to check in without feeling like a helicopter fiancee.  People about to get married do not put their loved ones through unnecessary stress just to be “mysterious.” 

Gently, is it possible there might be someone else?  It came to my mind just because of his huge shift and his villainization of you.

Post # 14
Member
1333 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@V-Gal1234:  Sorry to jump again, but I read your last post in regards to questions you answered!!  What you are feeling right now is completely normal, i.e. the blame yourself game.  However, how you acted in that specific situation is also very normal!! IT IS CALLED A RELATIONSHIP, and *most* people in a relationship would want the same thing.  If my SO is going out, GREAT.  Have fun!!  I will see you when you get home.  Of course, I want to know who he is with, and what he is doing, but I do not need a minute-to-minute detailing of the evening.  However, if his plans completely change, I would expect the courteousy of knowing that too!!  Not because I do not trust him, but because I care about him!  My SO would completely agree with this as well. 

Case and point, a few weeks back I had a late work meeting, and afterwards, a few of us went out for 2 beers to talk about work stuff.  I called him on my way to the meeting point, and he never picked up.  However, he never saw the missed call either.  When I got home, he was upset that he did not know where I was.  When I explained I called (and this checking his phone to see I actually did), it was totally fine.  But his point, before realizing he was incorrect (haha) was that he does not care that I went out, he just needs to know I am safe!!

You are not taking anything ‘away’ from your fiance.  Heck, living in two different cities allows for a lot more independance, trust, etc.  Perhaps your expectations of a relationship are different?! In which case, i would say, he needs to grow up.  A marriage is a partnership!!

HANG IN THERE 🙁

Post # 15
Member
1747 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@dashwoodgirl:  Agreed. Isn’t there enough mystery in living in two different cities? Shouldn’t you be pretty transparent with the person you want to share your life with? 

I think he doesn’t want to answer to anyone and wants to make his own rules, and that is not your fault. If he loves you and you seemed worried after not hearing from him, shouldn’t he feel touched, not intruded upon?

You are supposed to protect eachother in good times and bad, and he seems to only want to find you guilty for wanting to know he is safe.

Post # 16
Member
46404 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

“I am devastated, hurt, humiliated, angry, heartbroken and feel betrayed”


What should you do now?   Take time to feel. Do nothing else right now. None of us can tell you what to do, or make judgements on whether your relationship is worth trying to salvage.

As awful as you feel right now, you need to process these feelings before you can move on in any way.

My heart goes out to you.


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