Post # 1
Need some advice…my fiance suffers from panic disorder and was recently diagnosed with anxiety disorder. There is not one particular person or one particular event that is the cause of all this, its a build-up over the past 2-years (moving accross the country, new job, moving back accross the country, house fire, car accident, family drama, delay in planning wedding). His family seems to think its my fault which is why I haven’t talked to his parents in years and they refuse to make peace with me…which is a reason why my fiance is so stressed. He is very close with his mom and me and we all used to be close and because of some miscommunication they want nothing to do with me, it hurts him to see the two women he loves not getting along. I have been putting pressure on him to plan this wedding and I think its too much, but honestly if he proposed isn’t that the point? We broke up last Monday after his diagnosis at the doctor. I was fine with it because I knew he was upset about what was going on so I didn’t argue, I just let him yell and verbally attack me for everything I did wrong. We talked everyday after until this past Saturday when he said a friendship was no longer possible and he wished to cut off contact with me. I haven’t talked to him since, which again I’m not bothering him or calling him or anything, just letting him be like he requested. Should I assume this relationship is over? Also, he hasn’t asked for the ring back and maybe I’m looking into it but does that mean he wants to get back together? I love this man very much and have stuck by his side 4 years…even though his parents don’t like me and he’s close with them. I don’t want to lose him yet I don’t want to hold on thinking we might get back together. Any advice on this?
Post # 3
First of all, hugs! SO sorry that you’re going through this.
As far as advice…
I’d say probably let it go. You can only go on what he said, and he said that he wants to cut off contact.
His diagnoses are definitely life changing. Maybe he will come around, maybe he won’t. I’d say give him three months or so to sort everything out in his head. If you haven’t heard from him by then, move on.
Hope that helps.
Post # 4
Give him a little time and space to work out the things he’s feeling. I’m not saying that you should run out and party and have a good time, but as for right now, I’d probably consider the relationship over, although I do think based on what you wrote that it is possible he’ll change his mind once he’s had time to process things on his own time. It seems like he just got very overwhelmed and hurt by everything that has happened.
Post # 5
@jroot19: If you don’t want to lose him, I would make up with his parents. They’re going to be a part of his life forever. You want to be a part of his life forever. How can you expect him to be stressed over it forever?
Post # 6
anxiety disorders hard to deal with especially if you aren’t being treated for it. Panic attacks can really cause someone to become irrational. I wouldn’t expect anything, but i think if he seeks treatment (ie medication, therapy etc) he may ‘come around’
Post # 7
I say that it sounds like you could also use some breathing room – that’s a lot of stress! I would take it easy for a couple of weeks and then maybe send a quick email to say you’re ‘just checking in’ and see where that leads. But I would definitely give him whatever space he thinks he needs right now (aka no contact) as pushing him will only make his mother feel she’s right – and lawd knows we don’t need her doing that, do we? 😉
By the way about the ring – if he asks you and pulls out, that ring is yours. So no, don’t look into it just yet. It’s just protocal.
Post # 7
*Hugs* Give him time and space. Hopefully he will seek treatment and get on the road to becoming his normal self again. If he makes progress with treatment, he may be more receptive to continuing the relationship.
Post # 8
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I don’t know what to say. Hang in there, and I hope you have a good support system, you need to take care of yourself so when and if he comes back you know what you want and how you want to go forward.
Post # 9
I’m am so, so sorry to hear this. Most people with anxiety have a dual-diagnosis, meaning he’s most likely suffering from more than just a panic/anxiety disorder. (I just find it strange for a man to propose, then get furious when you try to plan the wedding, then get really upset with you, yell and “verbally attack” you for no apparent reason, it’s not normal…) Most of the time, the treatments take weeks, if not months, for the full effect. I agree with others, give it some time. Keep the ring in a safe place and don’t sell it or get rid of it. Maybe in a few weeks time, you can write a note or email to check in with him and see where he stands with his treatment and with his emotions. I’m hopeful all works out for you, whether it be with this man or another in your future.
Post # 10
What I personally think is that he’s in a difficult place and doesn’t know what he wants right now, which is to be expected and totally understandable for his condition. What I would do is give him his space for a while and reach out to his family and tell them that you really care about him and his well-being, don’t mention your relationship, but his mental health and stability, and that you want to stand with his parents in supporting him. The relationship really should be the last thing on anyone’s mind right now while he’s seeking treatment and really just getting back to ‘normal’. I would continue, along with his parents, to emotionally support him, even if from a distance, but understand that it will take time and that you are not guaranteed you will get him back in the end, and if you don’t, it is for the best. And don’t say anything about the ring. But, in his or his family’s presence, I wouldn’t wear it.
Post # 11
I feel for you.
I was diagnosed with Panic Disorder after I had a terrible panic attack while on vacation (it was a very stressful vacation -go figure- and I was about to go off to univeristy) and I tried to crawl out of a 4th story window. The anxiety can completely cloud your thinking and make you totally irrational. Medication can help, but I found the best way to cope was cognitive behavioral therapy. It’s a way to changed your thinking process so that you dont spiral into a panic attack. That being said, their isn’t to much you can do right now beyond being supportive. He probably doesn’t know what he wants right now, I can tell you from experience that anxiety can make you feel like you are being smothered all the time. He probably needs some space. He definately needs some help, it wont just go away. Mental health issues need to be addressed and treated just as physical health issues do.
If he’s already shut you out, perhaps you can extend an olive branch to his parents? I know your getting along with them at the moment, but maybe you could express your deep concern to them?
Also- please know that It’s not you, it’s him. The stress of all his recent life changes has proved so overwhelming that he cant handle it. You didn’t push him over the edge, he found that on his own.
If you’d like some more info or have any questions, feel free to PM me.
Post # 12
My mother has panic and anxiety disorder. Coping with it makes her really irrational. I’d say give him some time.
Post # 13
@jroot19: You’ve been together for four years–i doubt this is the last you will hear from him–he’s going through a very hard time emotionally and needs to work on himself–maybe that will mean you splitting up, maybe it won’t –it’s hard to say now
Neither of you is in the postion to decide that for sure right now, I would offer to go to counseling with him in addition to his individual counseling–other than that just give him his space so he can sort himself out-and maybe you can use this time to do the same
Post # 14
That is really terrible. I had a similar issue with my ex, and he broke up with me and we got back together so many times. It wasn’t a good situation, though, and really hard for me, so I finally said enough is enough and didn’t take him back the next time. Thank goodness, because now I’m marrying the man of my dreams! Love is wonderful, but you also have to take care of yourself. I’d let it go.
Post # 15
@jroot19: I don’t pretend to know anything about the deep issues he’s suffering from, so I can’t really say much on that front. However, I did a quick and dirty search to see if my understanding of how engagement rings are handled was correct to see if you should take that as a sign.
I grew up being told that if a man breaks the engagement, the woman keeps the ring. In that case, I would say that you probably shouldn’t hold out hope based on the fact that he hasn’t asked for it back. (On the other hand, if a woman broke the engagement, she was expected to return the ring.)
However, the search turned up that several states have specific laws on the matter. So, you might want to look up your state and see what it says. It’s not about following the law since, if he never asks for it back and demanded you not contact him, then you can’t exactly return it. It might be helpful to understand what knowledge he might have had going into his decision (if it was made with any rational thought, which doesn’t seem to be the case).
Sorry that it’s such a clinical way to look at the ring issue, but since you indicated you’re pinning some hope to the fact that he hasn’t asked for it back, I thought it would be relevant to consider. He may either believe that you are expected to keep it, or it may be state law that it is considered a gift and he cannot ask for it back with any legal backing.