(Closed) He Called Wedding for No Reason! -Devastated and confussed Please help

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
2343 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@peanuthead:  Agree….keep the ring and pawn it. Use the money to move everything back to Florida. In return, offer not to sue him over the accident he caused. 😉 If he’s going to be a petty asshole, give him what he deserves. I’d take the dog too, and let him keep the car.

As for healing emotionally….well, noone can really help you. What he’s done is a shitty shitty thing. If he was having doubts he should have expressed them to you before, and in person. The way he’s gone about the breakup is just so cold and unfeeling….I really don’t know how anyone could do that to someone they supposedly loved enough to propose to. It kind of reminds of that part in The Wedding Singer that it’s “something that could have been brought to my attention YESTERDAY!”.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this hon. But at least you know now, before marrying him, just what kind of person was lurking inside him. You’ll get through it, eventually. Until then you’ll cry a lot, be angry, be depressed…….there may be days where it’s hard to get out of bed, or days where you just want to lie on the floor in a fetal position and pray it all goes away. But you’ll come out on the other side, and you can be happy again.


Post # 33
144 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. And boy does it sound familiar. When it comes out of the blue like that, it’s really hard. We all want answers. We want to know what happened, if we did something wrong, if we could have changed something to make things turn out differently. I felt like I needed all of that with my first husband. After 5 years, he wanted to move to be closer to his family. I left a very good job, family, and our home to move with him. We bought a house. Everything felt like it was going really well. We seemed happy. We had our problems in the past, but really things seemed to be going very well. All of a sudden, I found out that one of his female co-workers breaks off her engagement. Then shortly after, he stops coming home. He starts lying to me about where he is, when he’s working. And I come home from work one night to find his arm around his coworker while they are cuddling on the couch watching a movie. I was shocked. I had no idea what happened, where any of it had come from, or who this person was that I was living with.

I went to a counseling session by  myself because he refused to go and finally worked up the nerve to even consider leaving. I sit down on the couch next to him and tell him that I need to know if he can do 2 things for me–be honest and faithful. He told me no. I left. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, but I am so grateful for it now. I would highly suggest doing what I did. I spent 2 weeks to save up enough money for a return trip home, I quit my job, I packed up what fit in a car, picked my stepdad up from the closest airport (he flew up to drive back with  me), and I went back home and moved into my parents’ basement until I could get back on my feet and find a new job.

I got a new job. I got a new apartment. I even went back to school. And I started to realize how bad the relationship had gotten before I left when I had that distance. I started to realize how much I had given up for him, how little I’d respected myself. And all of a sudden, I felt incredibly happy. I hadn’t felt that in a very long time. It did not happen overnight, or even in a couple of weeks. It did take months, but it was worth it in the end. I chose to leave everything except the most important things to me. I was heartbroken at having to leave my cats (aka my children), but I also knew that I couldn’t take care of them because I was staying at my parents and they were allergic. And while I planned on going back for them later, I ultimately realized that to do so would have been another major adjustment to them that I didn’t feel was fair for me to ask them to make.

It was liberating to get rid of everything that reminded me of him and our life together. I didn’t want any of that–I needed to get away from it. So in your case, that might be a good thing too. Maybe it’s better to let him have the ring. I still don’t have answers today, but what I’ve learned in the years since is that they’re really no longer important to me. He wasn’t mature enough to be in the relationship. He also wasn’t mature enough to be able to have a conversation about that. He pushed me away and did anything he could to get me to leave so that he didn’t have to be the one to leave as his father had done to his mother. And I can accept that now without needing any other answers.

I also want to say that I just re-married and have never been happier. I’m now with someone who treats me so incredibly well, who respects me, and loves me for who I am. He talks to me, he communicates with me, and he supports me in everything I do. I never thought I would ever get married again. I never thought I would ever be able to have children or a family. But life has a way of working out, and it sounds like as painful as it is, that may have been something you needed. You deserve to be with someone who will be there for you. You don’t have to settle for less than that. Hold your head up strong, take things one step at a time, and know that you will get through this. As much as it may hurt like hell right now, that will fade with time. You will get better. You will feel stronger. You will make a new life for each other. And when you are ready, you will find someone who will love you and respect you as much as you do them.

Post # 34
204 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I agree with one of the other bees.  I don’t understand how someon who once loved you can be so cruel to you.   If he’s going to be that cruel to you and threaten to take you court about the ring, I think you should take him to court for negligence for your injuries. I still can’t believe he looked the other way when you were injured.  It WAS his fault for driving recklisessly. I don’t know what the statute of limitations is in your state, but I don’t think you should wait.  I’m sure you’ll be able to get an attorney willing to work on a contingency, so you have nothing to lose anyway.  Under NY law, you may owe him the ring, but if we’re gonna get the court involved, he owes you your medical bills.  

I’m so sorry that this happened to you, but if you were a stranger, he wouldnt be let of the hook like that.  I hope things get better for you.

Post # 36
118 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

i am so so so sorry

Post # 37
213 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I am so sorry for what happened to you, you did not deserve this and I know you will find someone who will treat you better.

As for the ring, it’s not a gift, the law doesn’t see it has a gift it’s counted more as part of a contract, the conditions of that contract being that you get married. If you do not get married/wedding is called off no matter who did it the ring goes back to the person who purchased it. If he takes you to court he will win without question. You may be able to sue for medical costs and a portion of what you paid for the car if he is keeping it. You will also likely be able to get half of the money lost on wedding deposits that were non refundable from him (as long as you paid the deposits, if you paid 50/50 it will be considered even). You also may be entitled to some of the items you own that were purchased together (they will be split). You won’t get any moving costs etc because that’s just not how the courts work in this situation. Sorry.

Post # 38
22 posts
  • Wedding: August 2012

 I bet you feel horrible.  Hugs but let me tell you that you will be fine.  You will make it through this and find someone much better.  You will look back at this and treat it as a blessing to realize that that you saw the true colors of this jerk.  Trust me many girls have to go through much more hell divorced, kids, etc to find out at the end that their significant other is a jerk after soooo many years.  You are young and with time will find someone that will treat you like you deserve.  Take this as a lesson not a failure. I honestly believe you are wayy way better off without him.  You can let this bring you down or make you a better person.  You can decide to feel sorry for yourself or be a survivor of this situation.   I hope you do the right thing for yourself, because I know you can be happy with the RIGHT person in the near future if you allow.  I don’t feel sorry for you its just part of life sometimes. I just feel you in your pain at this moment but I know that you can get over it and live a fuller more meaningful life.  I’ve been through my own share of difficult moments.  Moments where there was very little hope, but I decided to not feel sorry for myself and lookout for my hapiness.  Hugs to you

Post # 39
5092 posts
Bee Keeper

I just want to let you know that I am thinking of you, and I also agree with the other women here.  Some day you will be much better off, with someone who loves and respects you more than you will know. 

Post # 40
1481 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Sounds like he wasn’t ready…maybe he thought he was, but then soon found out he wasn’t. He should have been up front with you as soon as he started to have doubts…but sounds like he didn’t have the guts to tell you…instead he distanced himself, and started to have a different attitude about relationships/women…or his relationship with you.

Bottom line, this didn’t happen overnight, this has been coming, and I ofcourse you didn’t want to see it. I probably wouldn’t want to beleive it either. He’s a coward and a prick for what he did to you. I’m soo sorry.

Engagements are broken everyday. So many bees have shared their stories and I think you should just give yourself time. Talk to people, and slowly heal. 

Give the ring back, you don’t want it anymore, not after what happened. He’s not talking ot anyone because he did an unforgivable thing. He let you go through much of the wedding planning all while feeling that he wasn’t ready. 

He just sounds immature, and like he really didn’t know what he wanted. He thought he wanted a wife, but then he realized it wasn’t going to be all champagne and lovemaking….and he was too immature to accept that. 

It was probably a blessing in disguise that you didn’t actually tie the knot….although he could have done you the decency…of breaking it off sooner. 

Post # 41
138 posts
Blushing bee

I am so sorry you’re dealing with this. 🙁 

Post # 42
529 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

You holding on to the ring will only make him think you are trying to dish out some sort of revenge on him. The best thing to do is give him the damn thing back, you don’t want the asshole thinking that you are not prepared to get on with your life.

Think about cutting all ties with his family, what are they actually telling him? That you are in pieces, desperate to have him back etc? He sounds like the type who would absolutely love to hear that.

Next time choose a guy who doesn’t do the whole over the top proposal. That’s not romantic, it’s a “I’m such a fantastic guy” thing. 

Post # 43
529 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I forgot to add you will meet a great guy someday and on your real wedding day you will be thinking thank god the jerk did me a favour that day back then! 

Post # 44
1042 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@Irish-bride:  I think you are right about cutting all ties!!  I think you should give the ring back, maybe go by his mothers house and tell her to give the ring to her son, your fine and its time to move on and that her son really did you a big favor……  maybe that will get back to him and make him feel bad, which he so should!!!

Post # 45
43 posts
  • Wedding: November 2013

Give him his ring back and close the door to that chapter in your life. You once made it without him… having a job, living close to your family and happy don’t ever believe that person isn’t inside you. You are capable of doing everything that you did with him and before him by yourself. I’m glad you saw this before you got married because it would have been worse going through a divorce (maybe even with kids). This person obviously has a lot of growing up to do and he will realize what he lost when it’s too late and by that time you will find the man of your dreams and he will be everything you wished him to be not a poser. Five years weren’t thrown away, I’m sure you’ve learned a lot about yourself, how you are in a relationship, and how to be the strong woman that can put this behind her and move forward with life. Stop asking why he did this, stop wondering. Just move forward with your life. You’ve dedicated 5 years to this person and he has stop dedicating it to you, so don’t waste another second crying or thinking about him. Go out, get beautiful (wear that dress that makes you look good on the inside and out), put on the sexiest heels you have, grab your girls and have a girls day/night. Hang out with friends and family and find comfort in them. Love yourself before you love anyone else and you’ll find that in the end you’ll be okay. 

I’m praying for you. 

Post # 46
146 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

What an awful way to call off a wedding.  It’s a textbook case of what not to do!  I’m so sorry you had to go through that.  I know that you probably are desperate for answers right now, but the truth is, he probably doesn’t even know himself.  Just leave him alone for now, and he will eventually explain himself.  They always do.  You just need to minimize contact and take care of yourself right now.

But you really should give back the ring ASAP. Just because he handled this really poorly doesn’t mean you should too.  If you cared about him, you can see what a huge financial burden that is for a man, and the breakup will be hard enough for both of you without that hanging over your head. 

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