(Closed) He cheated and I chose to marry him anyway, but now I want to leave

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2398 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

You aren’t stupid for wanting to see the best in someone you love and hoping that he could change, or that you could move past what happened.

I think it would be best to take some time alone to really look at what happened and how you actually feel about your relationship and husband.  It may be that you can’t forgive, and that’s not your fault.  Staying in a bad marriage because fo what people might think is a very special sort of self torture, and I don’t think anyone deserves it, particularly when he or she isn’t the bad actor.

Take a few days off work, throw some stuff in your car and just drive for a bit.  Try to envision a happy life and marriage and be honest with yourself about whether or not you think that’s achievable with your husband.  Maybe it’s not.  And that’s not your fault.  You didn’t mess around.  He did.

Yes, marriage is a serious commitment and shouldn’t be taken lightly, but there’s a difference between two people with disparate personalities and values struggling together to smooth out the rough places or get through a traumatic event and one person trying to survive the daily misery of being yoked to a liar, a cheat, a drunk or an abuser.

I’ve said it before and will say it again – you get one life.  One.  No do overs or takebacks.  So f*** wht other people think.  You know what’s best for you and they can go to h***.

Post # 4
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

Honestly, I won’t say you shouldn’t have married him. You already know that. What I will say, is that there is nothign to be embarassed about. He went into counseling, you thought you could work things out, but you can’t get over it and its torturing you.  Maybe try separating for a while, to see if that helps. Maybe go to individual counseling to see if you can get a grip on it. I wouldn’t completely call it quits now, since you are married, but try to see if you can get yourself back on track 

Post # 5
Member
963 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I don’t think you are stupid at all.  People have these kinds of issues all the time.  You guys are trying to work on it and that’s all you can do.  Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting.  You should check his emails, phone, etc, and he should be happy to let you.  It sounds like he’s cooperative with that, which is AWESOME!  Is he continuing counseling?  Are you?  That’s a great idea.  Is he doing what he needs to do in order to win back your trust?  It can take awhile, but you guys could come out of this stronger.

Post # 6
Member
686 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Maybe you should go to counseling as well? Do you think it would be beneficial to you so you can work out your trust issues? Has your husband done anything to make you think he’s going to relapse?

Post # 7
Member
379 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

You need to do what’s best for you, plain and simple.  I have always felt that you need to always be able to take care of yourself first and foremost, anyone else (well, besides children) come second.

I definitely don’t believe entering into a marriage with a man you don’t trust is a good idea.  I think it sets a tone in your marriage you don’t want to carry on.  I also don’t feel like because he’s cheated in the past, or because his parents had adulterous relationships forgives him in any way, shape, or form for having an “emotional affair” with someone else.

Counseling is a good step.  Yelling, screaming, or acting like it didn’t happen aren’t going to help you in the long run.  You have a lot of emotional healing to do before you can ever consider trusting him again.

Maybe take some time to stay with a friend and have a little time to yourself to clear your head?  Good luck!  **hugs**

Post # 8
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

It sounds like you took all the right steps at the time, caught him lying and didn’t let him get away with it then actually attempted to work things out by going to counceling. I believe that people can change for the better, he might have learned from this experience and will never do it again.. or he might have learned that he can get away wiht it even if he’s caught.

Are you still in counseling? If I were you, I would go alone to discuss the emotions that are taking place right now. I don’t know if it’s possible to ever trust him again, but at this point you’ve taken vows so you should try.

Post # 9
Member
6009 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

Are you still in counseling?  I ask because, although your husband wasn’t having a physical affair, I would still consider what he did “cheating,” and infidelity is not something you can just get over.  You and your husband both have to work hard at it (if that’s the path you choose), and it takes a long time to gain back that trust that was lost; it can take years to be able to trust again.  I’m not sure how long you’ve been married, but it sounds like your situation is getting worse, not better.  That’s a sign to me that there isn’t much healing going on. 

I don’t think anyone should stay in an unhappy marriage; I really don’t think anyone should stay with someone they cannot trust 100%.  It must be miserable to feel scared/anxious/unhappy all the time and question his every move.  I also think, though, that, if you choose, you may be able to move past this, but it won’t be without tears, heartache, and lots of hard work.  Unfortunately, that’s not a decision we can make for you; you’re the only one who can decide if you want to try again or leave now.  Hugs, icanttrusthim, I know this isn’t an easy decision.

ETA:  If you do decide to continue working on your relationship, I really recommend the book Emotional Infidelity by Gary Nueman.  I think it’s an awesome marriage help book for people who aren’t dealing with infidelity, but it’s written specifically for people in your situation.

Post # 11
Member
5273 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I agree w/ Potatoes – if you two are going to couples counseling, I think it would be beneficial to see someone by yourself. They may be able to give advice on how to learn to re-build trust.

Edit: just saw your 2nd post. So the only advice I have is to give it time, it could take years to build that trust, but you need to be honest with yourself if you are willing or even want to stick it out that long…

Post # 12
Member
68 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Listen no one can tell you what the right thing for you is, deep down inside weather you want to admit it or not you know what you need/want to do. My first marriage my ex cheated on me and I stayed and tried to make it work. It just got worse, to the point where I was consumed with checking on where he was and what he was doing all the time, facebook, phones, email, seeing if he was really at his friends. Don’t live your life like that. Your family will understand, and you have nothing to be embarrassed about. You need to make yourself happy.

Post # 13
Member
2398 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

@icanttrusthim:  Perhaps it would best, regardless of what happens in your marriage, for your family to be a bit less involved in your daily doings.  It’s good to be close and to have people in your life who know you better than anyone, but you shouldn’t feel trapped or suffocated because you’re afraid of disappointing Mom, Dad, Ganny, whoever.

You don’t owe anyone an explanantion as to why you’ve decided to take a solo trip or whatever.  They can surmise whatever they want, but you’re under no obligation to provide them with a detailed play-by-play of your interior life just because you share genetic material.

Post # 14
Member
2373 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Personally, I’d start the paperwork to end the marriage and move on with my life. As for what people will think, there will be some who wonder why you went through with it in the first place- you have to have confidence in your decision and be willing to take your lumps for making the mistake.

Post # 15
Member
578 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I agree with all previous posts… I am so sorry you are going thru this… He kinda sounds like a selfish man and you deserve better.  Its not going to be easy I wasn’t married but was in a long term relationship living together and found out he was cheating and (only once but still) and he made my skin crawl and everytime we tried to be intimate I felt like he was a stranger and eventually I broke up with him.

You only have one life and you shouldnt live feeling like this. Take a short vaca or just one full day away from everything and everyone. Keep us posted

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