Post # 1
I am a regular poster not a troll…
I’m not sure exactly what to do and out of total embarassment and can’t talk to my friends or family about it. Here’s the back story:
About 90 days before we got married I found out that my DH had an emotional affair. He was a retail manager and hit on a girl during an interview and started talking to her. They went on 4 dates. All lunch dates, and nothing physical ever happened. One night we went to go rent a movie and he ran inside and I stayed in the car with his phone. He got a text from this girl, Amy. It said something that you could tell obviously had been an answer to a text sent from him but the history was deleted so I wasn’t sure what his text had said. When he got in the car I asked him about it and he claimed that the text must have been for someone else and she made an error. I didn’t believe him. I knew that he was lying. We immediatley started arguing. Obviously, someone from work wouldn’t text you at 10pm at night by accident. You would have to reply to a prior text and why would he have been texting her anyway? (I hope this is making sense I’m super upset)
So I pretended to be him and I texted her back, “what are you talking about?” we go back and forth and basically I get to the point where I tell her that I am his fiance. She is shocked. I ask if I can call her she agrees. By this time we are back at the house and he is sitting on the couch. I am yelling at him the entire time. He starts trying to pull the phone out of my hands and we are fighting like it is Jerry Springer or something. Finally I get it from him and I call her. He was sitting on the couch like a beaten puppy. She tells me that she didn’t know that I existed and that she is so sorry. She tells me that they had been on a few lunch dates and that nothing physical ever happened, but after the last one he did send her a text saying that he wanted to kiss her but chickened out (she later forwarded me all of his texts). We fought back and forth all night and I told him I wasn’t marrying him.
I was in total shock and didn’t know what to do. We had just sent our invitations out to everyone and I was afraid of looking like an idiot (yes I know that this was stupid) We started going to counseling. Basically, DH had a history of cheating in other relationships. Both his mother and father also committed adultery during their marriage until they were divorced. After counseling it was determined that DH was not cheating to have an actual affair, but it had to do with him needing attention. He made promises to continue counseling to get this all worked out, claimed he was “sick”, because he really loved me and wanted to get married. I eventually agreed to go through with it.
I don’t trust him. All of this time after, even though I want to forgive him I can’t. I check his phone messages, read his email, log into his fb account, and basically torture myself everyday with thoughts that he might be doing something behind back. This isn’t the way that a marriage is suppose to be. We are just pretending like nothing happened to the people around us. I wish that I cold just let go of appearances and not be so worried about being judged. I’m so upset and lost.
How do I do this? how do I tell my family? people with think I’m so stupid for going through with it in the first place. I’m so embarassed.
Post # 3
You aren’t stupid for wanting to see the best in someone you love and hoping that he could change, or that you could move past what happened.
I think it would be best to take some time alone to really look at what happened and how you actually feel about your relationship and husband. It may be that you can’t forgive, and that’s not your fault. Staying in a bad marriage because fo what people might think is a very special sort of self torture, and I don’t think anyone deserves it, particularly when he or she isn’t the bad actor.
Take a few days off work, throw some stuff in your car and just drive for a bit. Try to envision a happy life and marriage and be honest with yourself about whether or not you think that’s achievable with your husband. Maybe it’s not. And that’s not your fault. You didn’t mess around. He did.
Yes, marriage is a serious commitment and shouldn’t be taken lightly, but there’s a difference between two people with disparate personalities and values struggling together to smooth out the rough places or get through a traumatic event and one person trying to survive the daily misery of being yoked to a liar, a cheat, a drunk or an abuser.
I’ve said it before and will say it again – you get one life. One. No do overs or takebacks. So f*** wht other people think. You know what’s best for you and they can go to h***.
Post # 4
Honestly, I won’t say you shouldn’t have married him. You already know that. What I will say, is that there is nothign to be embarassed about. He went into counseling, you thought you could work things out, but you can’t get over it and its torturing you. Maybe try separating for a while, to see if that helps. Maybe go to individual counseling to see if you can get a grip on it. I wouldn’t completely call it quits now, since you are married, but try to see if you can get yourself back on track
Post # 5
I don’t think you are stupid at all. People have these kinds of issues all the time. You guys are trying to work on it and that’s all you can do. Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting. You should check his emails, phone, etc, and he should be happy to let you. It sounds like he’s cooperative with that, which is AWESOME! Is he continuing counseling? Are you? That’s a great idea. Is he doing what he needs to do in order to win back your trust? It can take awhile, but you guys could come out of this stronger.
Post # 6
Maybe you should go to counseling as well? Do you think it would be beneficial to you so you can work out your trust issues? Has your husband done anything to make you think he’s going to relapse?
Post # 7
You need to do what’s best for you, plain and simple. I have always felt that you need to always be able to take care of yourself first and foremost, anyone else (well, besides children) come second.
I definitely don’t believe entering into a marriage with a man you don’t trust is a good idea. I think it sets a tone in your marriage you don’t want to carry on. I also don’t feel like because he’s cheated in the past, or because his parents had adulterous relationships forgives him in any way, shape, or form for having an “emotional affair” with someone else.
Counseling is a good step. Yelling, screaming, or acting like it didn’t happen aren’t going to help you in the long run. You have a lot of emotional healing to do before you can ever consider trusting him again.
Maybe take some time to stay with a friend and have a little time to yourself to clear your head? Good luck! **hugs**
Post # 8
It sounds like you took all the right steps at the time, caught him lying and didn’t let him get away with it then actually attempted to work things out by going to counceling. I believe that people can change for the better, he might have learned from this experience and will never do it again.. or he might have learned that he can get away wiht it even if he’s caught.
Are you still in counseling? If I were you, I would go alone to discuss the emotions that are taking place right now. I don’t know if it’s possible to ever trust him again, but at this point you’ve taken vows so you should try.
Post # 9
Are you still in counseling? I ask because, although your husband wasn’t having a physical affair, I would still consider what he did “cheating,” and infidelity is not something you can just get over. You and your husband both have to work hard at it (if that’s the path you choose), and it takes a long time to gain back that trust that was lost; it can take years to be able to trust again. I’m not sure how long you’ve been married, but it sounds like your situation is getting worse, not better. That’s a sign to me that there isn’t much healing going on.
I don’t think anyone should stay in an unhappy marriage; I really don’t think anyone should stay with someone they cannot trust 100%. It must be miserable to feel scared/anxious/unhappy all the time and question his every move. I also think, though, that, if you choose, you may be able to move past this, but it won’t be without tears, heartache, and lots of hard work. Unfortunately, that’s not a decision we can make for you; you’re the only one who can decide if you want to try again or leave now. Hugs, icanttrusthim, I know this isn’t an easy decision.
ETA: If you do decide to continue working on your relationship, I really recommend the book Emotional Infidelity by Gary Nueman. I think it’s an awesome marriage help book for people who aren’t dealing with infidelity, but it’s written specifically for people in your situation.
Post # 10
I am in counseling. My therapist has been trying to help me get through it, but it’s just not working.
I want to just break away for a bit, but our families are so wrapped up in our lives even that is tough to do right now.
he is doing all of the things that he is “supposed” to be doing. I am as well. It’s just so hard I always feel like he’s still doing something. Before the last time I thought something was going on and I didnt trust my instincts. So now I don’t know if they are my instincts or just my mistrust from before telling me it’s happening again.
All of this stuff is just making me fall out of love with him. He at times makes my skin crawl. I feel so bad for saying that, because he’s my husband, but it’s true.
Post # 11
I agree w/ Potatoes – if you two are going to couples counseling, I think it would be beneficial to see someone by yourself. They may be able to give advice on how to learn to re-build trust.
Edit: just saw your 2nd post. So the only advice I have is to give it time, it could take years to build that trust, but you need to be honest with yourself if you are willing or even want to stick it out that long…
Post # 12
Listen no one can tell you what the right thing for you is, deep down inside weather you want to admit it or not you know what you need/want to do. My first marriage my ex cheated on me and I stayed and tried to make it work. It just got worse, to the point where I was consumed with checking on where he was and what he was doing all the time, facebook, phones, email, seeing if he was really at his friends. Don’t live your life like that. Your family will understand, and you have nothing to be embarrassed about. You need to make yourself happy.
Post # 13
Perhaps it would best, regardless of what happens in your marriage, for your family to be a bit less involved in your daily doings. It’s good to be close and to have people in your life who know you better than anyone, but you shouldn’t feel trapped or suffocated because you’re afraid of disappointing Mom, Dad, Ganny, whoever.
You don’t owe anyone an explanantion as to why you’ve decided to take a solo trip or whatever. They can surmise whatever they want, but you’re under no obligation to provide them with a detailed play-by-play of your interior life just because you share genetic material.
Post # 14
Personally, I’d start the paperwork to end the marriage and move on with my life. As for what people will think, there will be some who wonder why you went through with it in the first place- you have to have confidence in your decision and be willing to take your lumps for making the mistake.
Post # 15
I agree with all previous posts… I am so sorry you are going thru this… He kinda sounds like a selfish man and you deserve better. Its not going to be easy I wasn’t married but was in a long term relationship living together and found out he was cheating and (only once but still) and he made my skin crawl and everytime we tried to be intimate I felt like he was a stranger and eventually I broke up with him.
You only have one life and you shouldnt live feeling like this. Take a short vaca or just one full day away from everything and everyone. Keep us posted
Post # 16
The same things that you guys are writing is exactly how I feel…
On one end I’m like it’s time to just pack it up and move on. Yes, I made a mistake, but it happened, and now it’s time to face the music and get divorced. I need to take time for myself to heal.
Then there’s the other part, where I made these vows after I knew what was going on and I should do everything that I can to make my marriage work. He is doing everything that he can to try to get me to believe in him again.
I feel bi-polar. Sometimes we have really good moments, good weeks even, but then this feeling creeps back up and everything comes crashing back down.