(Closed) He cheated and I chose to marry him anyway, but now I want to leave

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
2154 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Has your counselor given you an opinion on all this?

Post # 18
Member
5976 posts
Bee Keeper

I’m really sorry that you’re going through this. The part of your first post that keeps bugging me is the fact that he went soooo far to hide this from you after you found out about it. You guys were fighting over his phone and he didn’t want you calling the girl that he was talking to. He isn’t sorry that he emotionally cheated on you, he’s sorry that he got caught.

Though you’re going to counseling now, I have a feeling that the reason you aren’t able to get past it is b/c he went to such a great extent to deny it and hide it from you. That would just make me sick as well. It’s not like he fessed up as soon as you discovered what was happening, and I think that’s the thing that keeps nagging at you in the back of your mind.

I think I would have done the same thing if I were in your position. I would have married my husband and gotten help. It’s just so tough sometimes, b/c we all want to believe in everything our partners say to us, and when that trust is broken, sometimes it can never come back. You really tried with him, and maybe the relationship has run its course now. I don’t think anyone can fault you for wanting to leave him even if you did know about this before you married him. You wanted to believe that he wasn’t going to do this to you again, but you also can’t constantly live your life questioning everything he does and if he’s telling you the truth. It’s no way to go through a marriage.

Post # 20
Member
7429 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

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@icanttrusthim: after reading what you just wrote to 2peas, I think you need to leave. He obviously doesn’t want to make things work, just find ways to not get caught again. My feeling is, you tried, and it didn’t work out. I can’t see your family being too upset with you, you did all you could to make things work. He, however, has not

Post # 22
Member
236 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Im sorry this is happening to you but I would suggest couples counseling… people cheat for many different reasons so unless hes just a cheating dog there may be some underlining that can be resolved

Post # 23
Member
2154 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

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@icanttrusthim: Have you told her that you feel like the therapy isn’t as productive as you’d like it to be? 

Post # 24
Member
6009 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

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@icanttrusthim:  It sounds like what you’re experiencing is pretty normal.  You’re trying to work through things, you’re taking all the right steps, but sometimes you’re less hopeful that you’ll actually heal from this someday and “get back to normal.”  To be honest, if you do continue with the relationship and trying to work things out, you’re going to be feeling this way for a long while.  It might be years of feeling worried/anxious/upset/etc… before you feel like you can move on.  It might be years before he is able to earn your trust back.

I think it’s ok to admit, at some point, that you’ve had enough.  It’s ok to say that you can’t/don’t want to live like this for the next X number of years.  Infidelity isn’t easy to overcome, and honestly, your relationship might never heal from it, even after all that work.  I really agree with teaandtoast’s idea to just take some time for yourself to decide if you want to continue with the process or not.  And get away from your husband for a few days.  You might discover that you actually miss him and become recommitted to working on your issues, or you might discover that you feel relieved and that you just can’t continue the relationship.  Good luck; I know it’s not an easy decision.

Post # 26
Member
206 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I’m in a similiar situation. Fiance cheated on me (before we were engaged). He at least had some decency (if you even want to call it that) to go on a “break” with me first before he did anything. I didn’t know at the time that this break was going to be used for dating another girl, I thought he just needed space because we had been talking about getting married and I thought he was getting scared and needed to take a step back. Eventually I found out the truth (he would have never told me if I didn’t find out from snooping on Facebook.. I know, I know!) and he cried, and apologized and begged for me to forgive him. It took me months and took him lots of proofing himself for me to trust him again. It got to the point where I was looking at his cell phone records every month, checking his e-mail and Facebook constantly… after months of seeing his was behaving I slowly began to trust him again. I could see a change in him and sometimes it takes situations like that to make our boys realize what they could be losing. I hope your DH realized his fault and changed. Maybe slowly gaining his trust back will help your relationship. Good luck!

Post # 27
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

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@icanttrusthim:  “…where I made these vows after I knew what was going on and I should do everything that I can to make my marriage work.”

It seems like you are doing that.  Just because you might not be able to make it work doesn’t mean you aren’t giving it your all.  Thinking that success is the only acceptable proof that you really tried is dangerously circular.  Sometimes you put forth your absolute best effort – and it’s just broken. 

But you didn’t break it.  He did.  Just because you’d be the one walking away doesn’t mean it’s your fault the marriage ended.  Because all this working and trying wouldn’t be necessary if he hadn’t been unfaithful, and that would be the case whether you married him or not.

Post # 29
Member
6 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2011

God I’m starting to hate men after reading all these posts lately and I’m so sorry he did that to you =/ Your post made me realize though that maybe my fiance cheating on me has nothing to do with me though and I should stop trying to figure out wtf it is that I DID wrong and start learning to just respect myself and pack up and leave because just like you, I too have been torturing myself over the whole thing.. Checking his fb, his phone records, his emails, his bank to make sure he’s not buying movie tickets or taking other women out to dinner and it’s just not worth it… There’s gotta be good men left out there…somewhere..

Post # 30
Member
2295 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

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@Stupidwoman11: There is, you just have to leave the ones who have betrayed you, so that when the right one comes along, you are able to be with them

Every minute your with the wrong guy, is another minute you are losing the chance to be with the right one for you. Believe it or not, not every guy cheats. Believe it or not, there are people out there that can do monogamy- its up to you to know what your expectations are, and what you are willing to stand for.

Post # 31
Member
168 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2000

From someone who has been there–

Learning to trust again takes the longest in the “getting over it” process. In my case, forgiveness came long before being able to trust, again, But, if you really want it and feel that this marriage is worth saving,  it can be done.

I remember when I went through this. I would go on screaming tirades and dared him to say anything to me. I told him he deserved every bit of anger I had and he would hear it. He deserved to have me check up on him, just like I would check on a wayward child.

But, you know what? After a while, the anger left. After a longer while, I could trust again. I have all of his passwords, but I never feel a need to use them.

It was a long, painful process, but I had been divorced once before and too many people said this marriage wouldn’t last (because we are different races). I also knew that there was a lot of good in him and that he was truly sorry for what he had done. I was determined that I would make this marriage work, if it was at all possible.

This summer, we are celebrating our 25th anniversary. It actually hurts to think of what my life would have been like without him. I watch him with our grandson (his step) who is named after him, btw, and I think of all the trials we’ve gone through (my younger daughter had a serious drug addiction and we raised our two oldest grandchldren, I have a chronic illness, and now my older daughter has a life-threatening illness and has moved back in with us). I can’t imagine any other man who was ever in my life who would have done all of this.

Regaining that trust takes a long time, but it can be done. You both have to be patient. He has to understand the feelings you have.

Counseling will help, but time will help more, if this is what you want. It can be done.

Good luck in whatever you decide.

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