(Closed) He cheated and I chose to marry him anyway, but now I want to leave

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
483 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

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OP, I’m sorry this happened to you. 

You both seem to be trying, with counselling and all, but I can understand your feelings (it’s really hard to trust once you’ve lost trust and it just transforms you into a paranoid person)  

Everyone is different, some worst than others, but if you feel you can get through it (hoping that this does not occur again with him and he betrays you) then it would be great, but if not I don’t think we can blame you for leaving because it’s not easy to live that way and you shouldn’t have to live in fear. 


Post # 33
109 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I’m sorry that all this is happening to you but I strongly believe you shouldn’t have married a man you don’t trust. You already knew about the other women and still chose to marry him despite all that happened. What did you think would happen? That he would magically change? I think you need to end this marriage before it gets any worse. The man sounds like a liar and it doesn’t sound like you are ever going to trust him again and you shouldn’t because he has given you a reason not to. My advice is to end the marriage and get on with your life before this consumes it.

Post # 34
483 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Another thing I forgot to add was that you want to make sure you think this through because if you decide to stay you may not be happy and want out later, and by then you’ll have kids and it just gets harder.  You’ll have a better chance if you seperate earlier.   You can find someone who truly appreciates you and there will be mutual trust in the relationship and you’ll know he wants to be with you. 

I wish the best for you.  It’s not going to be easy but I hope you make the right decision. 

Post # 35
806 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I haven’t been posting on here much lately, but my story is a lot like yours.  Got married 7 months ago, we are already separated and I am  filing for divorce asap.  Just 2 weeks before the wedding I found out some bad stuff he had been hiding from me, and went through with it anyway against my gut feeling.  I will fully admit I should not have gone through with it.  I didn’t have the strength then to back out, but things only got worse after the wedding and I have the strength to leave now.

It sounds like things for you haven’t gotten worse since the wedding, but you are kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop any minute now?

No shame in giving it a few more months and seeing how it goes.  But if you find any more deceit, please do get out.

I just wanted to say, think back on your entire history with him.  Is this truly the 1st instance of lying, being sneaky, covering up, etc.?  Or have there been little things here and there that you were willing to gloss over at the time because he seemed so great otherwise?  I bet you have a gut feeling about whether or not he is really a person of integrity for whom this is a major lapse, or if this is just more of the same from him, and this time he got caught.

In dealing with him now, do you sense a real change in the way he thinks about things?  Has he truly learned, or just learned not to get caught again?  What’s your gut read on things?  You’re probably not being paranoid and crazy if you still feel off balance with him.  Your gut was right last time. 

Keep doing the individual therapy.  I think it will really help you get clear on what you want to do.

Also, tell a friend or family member if at all possible.  I kept our issues secret from everyone for a long time, fearing judgement.  This resulted in me feeling depressed and distant from everyone since no one really knew what was going on in my world.  Once I started telling a few trusted people what was going on, it was a massive boulder off my shoulders.  There must be one or two people you could tell and swear to secrecy for the time being. 


Post # 37
5976 posts
Bee Keeper

View original reply
@icanttrusthim: It does sound like he’s really working at trying to rebuild your trust in him which is good. Have you talking with him about how the fact that he tried to hide it from you made it that much worse?

And his small, white lies (like the McDonald’s thing) – though they don’t actually harm you in any way, doesn’t help his case when he’s trying to earn your trust back. And I think he needs to know that…especially if you do decide to stay with him. Any lie, whether small or huge is still a lie. And every lie he tells you is a major setback. In order for you to be able to trust him, he needs to tell the truth…even if it’s something as silly as, “yeah…I ate at McDonald’s today…I know you don’t like it, but it was quick and easy.” Fessing up is a whole lot better than losing the ground he gained back.

Post # 38
7429 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

It sounds like he is doing what needs to be done to earn your forgiveness, I hope that things continue down that road

Post # 39
3400 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

The only thing I can say that I don’t think has already been said is this:

If you knew (magically somehow) that he would never cheat again, would you stay with him? Or is perhaps the hurt from the last instance too great?

If you would stay if you knew he would never cheat, then I do think you should stay, because he is obviously trying very hard and there is a good chance that he is done with his dishonest ways.

But… If you are just so hurt about the past & always will be, then there is no point in sticking it out.

You deserve to be happy, whether that means staying or going. & I don’t think anybody could, or has any right, to judge whatever decision you make in order to get to the place where you are content.

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