(Closed) He cheated. I'm devastated.

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
2341 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Honestly, leaving the cheating aside (as if you could or should!) if this relationship isn’t the best you have ever been in then I would move on.

Try not to be scared of being single again, I know it’s daunting. I did it aged 30 with two children, one severely disabled in a way that impacts on daily life, – and I still found an amazing man who I’ve been with for fourteen years now. 

💐

Post # 3
Member
39 posts
Newbee

It seems that everything you mention about him cheating you react with a BUT statement. You’re defending his actions. Based on this, it is clear that your answer is that you will stay, you just want other people to tell you to stay so that you feel it’s justified and the right thing to do.

 

That being said, I do believe that people can change and if you have a good relationship outside of this then all the more reason to work things out. However, you do need to keep in mind that you may never get over it and he may not end up changing and doing it again. Will you be prepared for him to do this again in 2 years?

Post # 4
Member
492 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

 Getting over an infidelity is a both parts work. Not only does te cheater needs to make an effort to gain back the trust that was lost, but thd cheated needs to be open to the possibility of giving that trust again. I suggest counseling together and apart if you are having trouble with this. Also, be patient, it will probably take you much longer to heal and even more for things to feel “back to normal”. There might remain some scars -jokes that can’t be done, scenes that make one or both of you uncomfortable, etc.- you must learn to deal with them in a way that they don’t affect you. Two or three years after the infidelity will look far behind.

Post # 5
Member
5049 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

Oh Bee, this is not good.  I want to quickly share my story.  I had married someone in the Army who cheated on me before deployment and before we married.  He did not change. I stayed with him faithfully through his 15 month deployment.  He too struggled with adjusting back to civilian life, again that is not an excuse.  The last straw was when I discovered he was meeting escorts behind my back.  With that I changed the locks, made an appointment to be tested for STD’s and filed for divorce.

When someone shows you their true colors, believe them.  His behavior is not likely to change despite how remorseful he may seem.

Post # 8
Member
2777 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

The forums on survivinginfidelity.com might be better resources for you than weddingbee. 

Post # 9
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2017

Leave now, if he can do this now, can you imagine after 5 yrs of marriage and you got kids to worry about, always tired at night or after 10yrs.  Im sure somebody out there can give you more respect than this

Post # 10
Member
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

So he’s doing better but what happens when things aren’t going great? What if he loses his job or drops out of school? Will he go right back?

 

Post # 11
Member
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

kellykep :  Unfortunately most marriages will experience infidelity. I feel better about approaching it as being a bit of a when rather than and if. So that I can better prepare myself if I do have to face it. Sort of like having a will. Not a fun thing to put together but when the worst case scenario happens you are prepared and know how you want to move forward. I would say counseling is key. The only reason I even recommend it is because it appears there have been considerable efforts on his part to make amends and regain trust on your terms. The facts are very few people make it to the end of their lives with a partner without someone being unfaithful at some point. I know it’s a bit cynical but I try to be a realist about these things. I also have different limits for my spouse than some might. I could forgive a one-time physical affair. I could not forgive someone repeatedly lying or deceiving me for a physical or emotional affair over time. A single lapse in judgment for me is human, to continue to try to have your cake and eat it too shows me you just don’t care about anyone but yourself. 

Post # 12
Member
2579 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

I have an ex that cheated on me. I dated an ex mp. He had major issues with trust and had semi obsessive behavior over me. I broke up with him due to it not being right and then he changed his behavior and tried (and succeeded) to win me back. However at that point unbeknownst to me he began flirting with other girls while out at bars (I couldn’t go BC I wasn’t 21). Finally he ended up cheating on me with a girl I knew, I found out and I kicked his lying sorry no good ass on the curb in the rain. Actually I’m too nice for that so I gave him 24 hours to get the f out of my house (we lived together at the time but he wasn’t on the lease). 

Even if it was at the beginning of your relationship, and he is remorseful, his behavior is not likely to change. 

Post # 13
Member
5049 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

If someone cannot remain faithful to me during our courting stage I would not trust my future to them.  Lesson learned.

Post # 14
Member
684 posts
Busy bee

I am open to the possibility that cheating can maybe be overcome, and things can be repaired, though never completely fixed. However, he PAID for a sexual act. That should be a total deal breaker. He bought a woman to use how he wanted, and guys like that don’t respect women or see them as human beings. What if the woman had been trafficked? That’s always a risk when buying a prostitute. Human trafficking is very common, and is one of the top most committed crimes in the world. I think you are afraid of being single, but remember that it’s worse to stay with someone who buys and dehumanizes women (while in a relationship).

I know it’s hard to understand that some people who seem so nice have such a dark side to them, but that is life and, sadly, normal. I think you should leave him. Self-respect and being single is better than having to deal with someone like him. I mean, if you have kids, would you want them to have a dad who buys prostitutes?

Post # 15
Member
815 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

kellykep :  just to be clear, he had an erotic massage shortly after you two become official? Was that before or after you first met in person?

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