(Closed) He cheated. I'm devastated.

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
6 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2018

My only question is…why are you willing to stay right now that makes you unwilling to stay the second time?

 

I was in a 5 year relationship with a man who had cheated me within the first few months of our relationship (I found out about it around year 2). Clearly, we put it behind us because we dated for another 3 years. That relationship as a whole was both simultaneously extremely damaging and one of the most fulfilling relationships I’ve ever had. On the one hand, he treated me like a princess and set the standard pretty high for future boyfriends in many areas. On the other hand, our expectations as a couple were completely different and our needs/wants were opposite, not to mention the infidelity opened up a host of self-esteem and insecurity issues. All of this wore and tore at our relationship until it finally ended. Not amicably, either…that bridge got napalmed.

 

I will say that it wasn’t until I swore off dating completely and truly appreciated being single (and not going on horrible tinder dates just so I could not be alone at dinner) that I discovered my worth as a human being and really came in tune with my wants and needs, both for myself and in another partner, as opposed to only being validated through someone else’s eyes as their girlfriend.

People can see cheating differently, so it may not be an absolute deal breaker for you. As long as it’s because YOU truly see it in that perspective, and not because you’re rationalizing it because SO sees it that way, or anyone else does.

 

(Hugs)

Post # 17
Member
1117 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

If he’s already cheating, I don’t think it’s a good sign for the future of your relationship.

I stayed with my ex husband after he had inappropriate online communications with women, profiles on dating sites looking for hook-ups, etc. I honestly don’t know if he ever actually cheated physically, but his wandering eye was an issue throughout our entire marriage. It finally fell apart about 3 1/2 years ago and I am now with a man that respects me and I honestly don’t feel like I would EVER have to worry about him cheating. I know that sounds naive, but it’s true.

Post # 18
Member
437 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

He will do it again.  He has done it 4 times in the past 5 years without any regard to your feelings or faithfulness to you.  I’m sorry, but you are setting yourself up for future heartbreak by staying with him.  Personally, if my husband did this to me, the trust would be gone and without trust there is nothing.  You deserve better.

Post # 19
Member
894 posts
Busy bee

Hi 🙂 I’ve been with two cheaters before. First guy cheated on me after we started long distance (not even that long, just that we couldn’t meet all the time for personal reasons). He had been asking for sex which I was not willing to give as I wanted to save for marriage at that time. We started fighting over phone everyday over the issue and he started being really insecure. Three months into the long distance he started flirting with girls which my friend working with him noticed and told me but I brushed it off. Six months in and it was clear he was cheating with a girl, friend told me, I snooped abit around his social media, and found that he was telling people he was single and was together with a girl. They had sex. I was younger at that time and thought I sucked for not able to give him what he wanted. Lots of self-pity and him blaming everything on me, ‘it’s all because of you that I become this way’. I was so delusional that I wanted to stay with him as he begged for me to stay and told me the other girl was a temporary thing and I’m his true love etc. I deluded myself into thinking that was the case as we had been together for 2 years and struggled being two-timed for a year more. 

Honestly I would have gone back and slapped myself into reality…but at that time I thought him to be my world and it was so difficult to let go when he kept begging me to stay,telling me he won’t do it again and still did it anyway.

 

The other cheater, well he didn’t actually cheat on me physically, but he had two emotional affairs, one more serious than the other. The brief one, he met the girl at this short part-time job and I caught him discussing about her and whether to leave me or not with his friends. He didn’t leave me but it obviously left a bad taste in my mouth. The more serious one was a good friend of mine, we were all taking a language course and as we went out often together he got attracted to her because she was very unlike me. He told me when our relationship went through tough times he seriously considered leaving me for that girl but he didn’t. Apparently that justifies everything in his book and he thinks it’s not cheating. He had a texting relationship with both of them because he prefers text over meetups. 

I left him not because of the cheating but because of other issues, I think it would have taken more for me to leave (although I instantly felt insecure, hurt and upset every time I think about those emotional affairs.) In both cases the trust was broken again and again and even though I stayed for awhile after, the trust was never regained.

I won’t tell you to leave because only you can decide for yourself. But more importantly it’s not healthy for your mental well-being. For me I know I have to live with a lifetime of insecurity, paranoia and hypersensitivity if I’m with someone who is prone to cheating (even if they don’t actually leave you, and tell you ‘see, I didn’t leave you! I truly love you!’)

It doesn’t matter if they love you or not. In many cases they do still love you, cheating is not something you only do when you stopped loving someone I think. It happens when they are no longer satisfied with only you. Therefore please consider your own well-being first and foremost, I think that’s the key to any relationship and any healthy life. 🙂

Post # 20
Member
2979 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

You met online, met in person and immediately after that he cheated, stopped, and you’ve been together for 5 years past this?

If it was immediately after you started dating, after only chatting on the net, its not as tragic as if he’s still doing it into the relationship. Your 4 times in 5 years confuses me and makes it sound like its happened more recently though.

Post # 22
Member
3791 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

View original reply
herrera2016 :  I have to say, I totally disagree with “most marriages experience some sort of infidelity”.  There are many, many, many men who remain loyal at all times.

Post # 24
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Break up with him at once! you deserve better. After that, really LOOK at yourself and figure out why you would be with a man who would cheat. Better luck next time! kisses

Post # 25
Member
7555 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

View original reply
kellykep :  You can’t count things he did before you were a couple as cheating. He has cheated on you three time which to me is three times to many.

However given your timeline (met once and then online for 8 months) had you discussed your relationship status and boundaries?

Post # 26
Member
480 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

View original reply
Worried9887 :  I agree, human trafficking is an absolutely sick and disgusting thing. But,  I don’t think that a man paying for a prostitute ( in general, not for this specific incidence) makes him a bad person. There are many women who choose to go into sex work, and I think it is a valid choice that a woman could make. Legalizing prostitution would help protect those women who are trafficked, or raped, because they would be less afraid of going to the police. 

Post # 27
Member
1356 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2021

View original reply
honeybadgered :  

This is a bit off topic but legalising prostitution actually increases human trafficking and sex slavery. It is true that it protects a small minority of women who genuinely want to work as prostitutes, but it ends up with a lot of poor women and children being forced into it to meet the demand. I would imagine a lot more people want to use a prostitute than become one and it’s very difficult for a man to identify a woman who has voluntarily become a prostitute over one who has been forced, especially when visiting a brothel or massage parlour. Which is the point the other poster was trying to make. 

Does Legalized Prostitution Increase Human Trafficking?

Post # 29
Member
1974 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

View original reply
kellykep :  Going against the grain here, but I do think it’s okay for you to stay with him, if that’s what you (not him) really want. I also recommend survivinginfidelity.com to you. Wedding Bee is about weddings and marriage, we tend to talk about standing by your nuptials etc, and we tend to a blanket response of “leave” when someone goes astray. I think when someone experiences infidelity, outsiders tend to victim blame “you should have left him/her years ago…” and “how did you let this happen again?” etc. You haven’t done anything wrong, and whatever choice you make, you’re the good person in this. If you’re forgiving and strong and optimistic, then these are great qualities. If you choose not to forgive him, and you want to put yourself first and move on, then that’s great too. You just have to choose the best option for you, for your relationship and for your future.

Your fiancé did a terrible thing and maybe he doesn’t deserve you, but you sound like a strong woman. Putting your wedding plans on hold (and even calling off your engagement) is definitely the best thing you can do for now, but you also have to work out if this relationship is something that can be saved. You said you love him, and if it happens again then you won’t be able to stay. Does he know this? Does he know you really mean it? Does he wholeheartedly trust himself not to do it again? Even when life gets hard, if you guys argue and things seem rocky, he absolutely cannot invest himself in the same practices or anything similar, even if he goes through another tough time. I say you work out whether or not you want to stay with him, and then you put some energy into it. If you leave, then hold your head high and never look back. You’ll meet new people, you can definitely find love again. Life will continue to move forward, and you’ll find happiness with someone else. If you stay, then you need to work on you feeling content and happy with your decision. Good luck with the councelling. I hope it helps!

Post # 30
Member
37 posts
Newbee

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I think a lot of people automatically tell you to leave when they likely havent experienced it themselves. I’m sure it’s different when you’re in the situation. I personally haven’t been cheated on (that I know of lol), I always tell myself that if it every happened I would leave no matter what but I think it would be a lot different to actually go through it. I think people make mistakes and can often learn from them, that being said trust is a VERY difficult thing to gain back once it’s betrayed. Hopefully counselling works for you and you can work past all of this.

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