Post # 1
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
My fiancee cheated on me a year ago. Immediately after I was extremely paranoid for obvious reasons. The paranoia has diminished some but I still have moments where I worry. He has been nothing but forthcoming about where he is and has honestly been the most committed and attentative that he has ever been. But the thoughts still creep into my head and lately I’ve started snooping on his phone. I try not to but then I tell myself if I had snooped earlier, I would have caught him. Deep down I don’t believe he is doing anything, but how do I stop snooping? Should I tell him I am snooping? Help!
Post # 3
Member
1848 posts
Buzzing bee
Have you gone to counseling at all for this? Worked out your trust issues? Has he mentioned it or about going together?
I get why you’re doing it, I get what he did was completely wrong and broke your trust. However, nothing good ever comes from snooping. Believe me, I’ve had snooping backfire on me when I was younger and immature.
Post # 4
Member
8446 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship where I felt compelled to snoop. I think maybe try counseling as a couple to work through the trust issues. I can’t really say how hard/easy that might be because I wouldn’t be able to be with someone that cheated on me. In the end, if you cannot forgive him and trust him again, your relationship will suffer.
Post # 5
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
He has brought up counseling many times and is willing to go. I can’t bring myself to actually go. There’s part of me that would be embarressed to admit all of this to someone. Like they would be judging me for staying with someone who cheated. And I’ve gotten through this on my own for almost a year. I feel like I should be able to do this on my own.
Post # 6
Member
329 posts
Helper bee
I know this will go against the general consensus, but I think snooping is okay under certain circumstances. And I believe your circumstances are one of those. He has given you a reason to snoop, and a reason to be wary of him. However, I think the better thing to do would be to talk to him and tell him that you are going to check his phone, emails, and what not. I think if he sees your side, he should see that this is a fair thing to do. That way, it’s not exactly snooping if he knows you’re doing it. But obviously I think a relationship where this is happening needs some work, so I agree with PP that counseling never hurts. I know I would rather be in a relationship where I didn’t have to worry about my SO.
Post # 7
Member
2117 posts
Buzzing bee
@Snooper23: It sounds to me like you don’t trust him. I couldn’t be in relationship with someone who I couldn’t trust and definitely not someone that cheated on me.
Post # 8
Member
1170 posts
Bumble bee
Im gonna say it like Dr. Phil does.
You cant fix what you dont acknowledge.
Your SO has made an effort to regain your trust. He has worked hard and been open. Yeah it sucks he cheated but it seems he is making amends in every way he knows how. Now the issue is whether you are willing to forgive him and try to forget…Yes I said forget.
You have to decide if you can let go of his infidelity. Right now you cant and you may never be able to. If you cant move on then you should break it off. Yes he cheated and yes he is making amends, but you cant hold it over his head for the rest of his life.
Im with the other bees. Go to counseling. It might help him to understand what was wrong in the relationship that caused him to step outside of it, and it will help you get closure if in fact thats what your looking for.
No relationship can survive if one doesnt trust the other. Are you going to spy on him for the rest of his life? He has suggested counseling. I would agree that it should be done. He isnt trying to shirk his part in this which suggest that he loves you, respects you and knows what he did was a terrible thing.
Post # 9
Member
1399 posts
Bumble bee
@Snooper23: I think snooping is totally normal, to an extent. I think we all get the urge to do it once in a while- not just in our romantic relationships, but at work, with friends or family, whatever. I think a lot of people glance at cell phones, open drawers, linger at the door when they hear an interesting conversation, etc. I know I do haha.:oP
That being said, if it’s taking over your life, it’s an issue. If you CAN’T STOP, it’s an issue. If you really don’t trust your Fiance, it’s an issue.
How did you two get past the cheating incident? Did you go to counseling? Did you read self-help books? Did you discuss transparency in your relationship? Whatever you did, it seems to me like it may not have been enough, since you felt the need to make this post. Maybe you can talk to him about your anxiety and how you two can rebuild your sense of trust and tranquility in the relationship.
Post # 10
Member
1848 posts
Buzzing bee
@Snooper23: Okay, I can tell you from experience. I’m a therapist (though not for couples therapy) and we don’t judge you. Trust me. For whatever reason, I get all sorts of discomfort from people who want to say something but can’t. I tell them when they’re ready, they can say whatever they’d like to and go as far as they’re comfortable.
Most of the time, it doesn’t take long (usually same session or next session) and they feel SO MUCH BETTER for just telling someone face to face and getting it out there in the universe. That’s talk therapy for you. 😉
Pft, I’ve heard about abusive relationships and abusive family dynamics and guess what? I’ve never judged and a true clinician won’t do so either. I do highly recommend speaking to someone.
Post # 11
Member
1478 posts
Bumble bee
- Wedding: September 2013 - Creek club at ion, SC
Mmmm I regularly look through my FH messages, computers and emails and sometimes reply for him when he doesnt have the time and he does the same to me. He knows I do it and I know he does it and we dont consider it snooping we just are open when it comes to things like this. Sometimes I look through his msgs in front of my face and talk to him about it and he knows its just cos I am nosey, calls me nosey and has no problem with it
Maybe you could institute an “open door” policy where at least for a while, everything is just open. Maybe it will work for both of you.
Post # 12
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
Honestly I don’t want an open door policy. I want to not feel the need to look at his phone. But I’ve been looking for 6 months now, haven’t seen a thing and still feel the need to look. I’ve never been like this and it bothers me. Is this the new person I’ve become? I want the old, trusting me back.
Post # 13
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
I don’t think I could ever be with someone I couldn’t trust. I also subscribe to the notion of “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” I know it’s not true in all cases, but it does seem to be true in most cases.
Was he remorseful? Was it with a random person, or an ex/someone at work?
Post # 14
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
It was with someone at work. He was very remorseful and I can honestly say he has tried his hardest to show me he’s being faithful. Sometimes I feel like I’m a different person now and no matter how much he shows me, those thoughts are still there.
Post # 15
Member
2130 posts
Buzzing bee
@Snooper23: Can you honestly live the rest of your life snooping and not trusting your SO…You only get one life, I couldn’t do it.
Post # 16
Member
4272 posts
Honey bee
You need to go to counseling before this snooping becomes a habit. It will only hinder the progress you are making as a couple.
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