(Closed) He cheated on me LAST WEEKEND

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 47
Member
58 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Firstly, a big hug to you! I am so sorry this is happening.

I will echo what both spaganya and zippylef said. Take time to think about things, cut off (or at least severely limit) your contact with the boy, and take really good care of yourself.

Now, a very very important point is to be extremely selective about the people with whom you talk about this. It’s very comforting to get support from all of your friends, but, hold off on that. Make up your mind on exactly what you want to do first. If lots of people know, there are lots of people who want updates on how you are feeling, and that can get tiring. Even more importantly, if you decide to get back together with him after a while, you have all these people who’ll question/judge/withhold support out of their own good intentions. Or, if you decide to move on, they may treat you as someone super fragile, or someone with baggage.

Short version: Choose your three most trusted people to talk to (of course, plus everyone here). Anyone outside of that will just become a burden after a while.

Good luck to you, everything WILL be fine.

Post # 48
Member
561 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Oh no I am sorry honey!  I hope you are able to take some time for yourself to heal.  When I went through a similar thing (not a Fiance just a Boyfriend or Best Friend I had been with a few years) the hardest thing for me was other people saying “Stop crying, he’s a loser… he isn’t worth it.”  And while yes, he was a loser, you should feel whatever emotion you have right now and not force yourself to cheer up/move on for other people.  Good luck and F’ em. 

Post # 49
Member
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Sweet pea! My heart bleeds for you darling. That is super duper sad!!! My fiance went to the strippers in Vegas and I could barely touch him after knowing that some slutty number gave him a dirty lap dance. Alcohol and men are just an awful awful combination. The good thing is that he told you, but the sad thing is that he did cheat. Only you know if you can move past this. But the whole “we would have had sex had we had a condom” … OUCH! 🙁 Big hugs your way from Canada.

Post # 50
Member
2790 posts
Sugar bee

Hunny you have done such an amazing thing by saying that you will NOT put up with this behavior. It does not matter whether you eventually get back together or not, you have made a very strong statement by letting him know you WILL NOT now or ever be treated so shamelessly. You are a strong woman and I congratulate you on sticking up for yourself.

Make this time about you and only you. Have a pitty party, treat yourself, be selfish, spend time with friends. Do what makes you feel good and special and bask in being the wonderful woman that you are. Thank you for sharing this with all of this, I am sure it is painful. We are all hear for you!

Post # 51
Member
244 posts
Helper bee

ugh, if he knew enough not to have sex because he didn’t have a condom… he was lucid enough to not touch the girl (not that alcohol is ever an excuse.)  cry, talk to your friends/family, then deal with him.  because he did tell you, i feel he’s probably trying to get you to talk to him right now… DON’T.  let him suffer and give yourself some time to figure everything out.  

Post # 52
Member
1280 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Self esteem my sweet!!! You must not let yourself believe that you are destined to be alone or that you will be cheated on. This is a self-fullfilling prophecy. Not to say you deserved it because NO you didn’t at all. But your low self esteem has led you to date someone below standards of human kindness and honesty and decency.

You must raise your standards and start a new you. No more pleaser girl or doormat or belief that you will be left okay? I say this as a recovered pleaser/doormat. You are only 23. 10 years younger than me. Lots of new adventures will come your way. Discover who you are. Love yourself. Grow and experience life. Travel. Explore. Learn a new language or a new skill. Reinvent yourself. Do this and love yourself and you will find an amazing king to your queen. I did. 🙂

Love and Light to you,

A

Post # 53
Member
279 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@ccranetobe: Exactly! (or even, “Cheating scumbag”) I love changing the phone ID as a reminder, just to avoid the temptation to pick up the phone in a moment of weakness.

I think we were all sick in our stomachs to read your sad post and we truly feel fo you. That said, your “F*ck off and die” comment summed it up perfectly! As sad as this whole situation is, the silver lining is thank god you found out his true colors BEFORE you married him. Sounds like you dodged a major bullet here.

And in regards to your fathers comment — “It’s over, you cannot marry him.” — I tend to agree with him. There are just too many wonderful, faithful men out there to settle for one who doesn’t appreciate the gem that you are.

((BIG HUGS))

Post # 54
Member
1820 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

This is going to be a REALLY unpopular opinion, but I don’t think cheaters tell you because they love you enough to be honest with you… they tell you because they can’t handle the guilt.  Telling someone that you cheated on them once, drunkenly, and in a way that is totally out of character is SELFISH on the part of the cheater (in my opinion).  They are just telling you to make themselves feel better.

I absolutely do not condone cheating, but I think we have to look at the motivation of someone who does something out of character and then tells you about it – they are either looking to alieviate their own guilt or they are spineless cowards who are scared of moving forward or want to break up and don’t have the guts to just say that.

I think the best thing you can do – now that the information is out of the table – is step away and spend as much time as you need to figure out:

why did he do it?

why did he tell you about it?

is there some hidden motivation/undiscussed problem or hesitation/fear underlying either of those questions?

after you have all that information, can you forgive him?

do you still want to be with him?

And then you figure out what you need to do based on all of that…

Post # 55
Member
159 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

First, I agree with PP – get away from him.  Take a vacation, go on a road trip – stay at a hotel – whatever it takes, get away.

Second, breathe.  You will find someone who is deserving of your soup and love.  He doesn’t deserve your time anymore – time to move on and up!

Sorry you have to go  through this right now, but find solace knowing you can easily break up – not work through a divorce.

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