Post # 46
I know right now you’re weighing staying with him against the unknown challenge of breaking up, finding yourself a place, going through the months of withdrawel and heartbreak, etc.
And I know that in the short term, staying seems like the easier option. It is. In the short term. And it’s also the weaker option.
In the long-term, leaving is FAR easier. In just 2-3 months, you could be out the other side of grief, living your own life, thinking up new goals for yourself, getting back into the dating world, etc. In just a year from now, you could be embarking on a new relationship, with a new, amazing, mature, loving guy.
Please do not discount yourself because of your age. I started over at 29/30. In a new state, with no friends. I wallowed for a few months. Then I started going back to the gym after years of not going. I was suddenly in the best shape of my life. My mood lifted, my outlook became more optimistic than it had ever been. Your options are boundless when you’re no longer tied down to a loser!
I met my current SO 2 days before I turned 31. We are just waiting on the ring and will be engaged in a few months, married when I’m 33.
And dating in your late 20’s/early 30’s is very different from dating in your early 20’s. Because you date with a PURPOSE. A guy disrespects you, you cut him loose. Immediately. You don’t have time to wait around and get yourself into the mess you’re in now. You watch men closely, you make sure you’re compatible in every way that’s important to you BEFORE you get emotionally involved. You have a lot more control, you get rid of the loswers quickly, and find the keepers quickly.
Post # 47
Really happy to see all of these Bees providing so much support. Just another note from me…
You will grieve, feel overwhelming amounts of sadness, loss and insecurity about the future. And then you will get angry. Allow yourself to react. Sad text him, then text him angrily, expressing your feelings of loss and betrayal. Listen to him beg again for your forgiveness, cry, and make promises you KNOW he will break. Cry to your parents, your siblings, or the close friends you trust. Tell them everything, get it all out. Text an ex. Maybe even let your thoughts wander to taking him back. Whatever it takes.
But DON’T TAKE HIM BACK. Do everything and anything but that. This process is how your mind and body will filter him out of your system until there is nothing to filter anymore. Instead, after these things, reinvent yourself. Start new hobbies, go to new restaurants, make one or two new friends and travel to places that have zero connection to him. Trust me- this really works, it’s how I’ve moved on from a couple of disaster relationships in my life.
Then, after all of this, (~6 months), you’ll wake up one day and you won’t cry anymore. You’ll have new dating potentials, and few associations to remind you of that piece of garbage “ex”. If you are worried about finding another man, don’t be. You’re young and will be shocked at how soon new men will be in your life again.
You just have to go through it, and it needs to be now.
Good luck Bee!
Post # 48
As a woman who has been in this position, as I am sure so many of us have .. LEAVE HIM! First and foremost, not only are you with him for 7 years and he hasn’t manned up and asked you to marry him, but it’s a long time to spend with someone to have them completely disregard you and your relationship. I completely understand that it is hard to just walk away from a 7 year relationship, but the sooner you do, the sooner the healing process can begin. You have to know you deserve better than to sit around while he does whatever the F**k he wants. You will always, and I mean always be suspicious, you will want to go through his phone to find something and that is a super unhealthy relationship to be in.
Please update us when you dump this douche bag!
Post # 49
lana0731 : Your gut is right. RUN. Your gut is ALWAYS right. Most of the times when women go wrong, terribly wrong at decisive points in their lives, is when they don’t listen to their intuition. We have a God-given, amazing radar inside of us – and we should follow it!
You know this person is trouble. Some men just never grow up. Love, when it’s just this ‘amazing’ emotion, is honestly bullshit. Real love, true love is backed by actions, responsibility and putting the other person first. That was a big wake up call for me in my late twenties, and unfortunately took me many years to realize. Hopefully you can dodge the bullet like I did, and find yourself a truly caring, mature and responsible guy. The difference between boys playing around and a real man is huge.
Be smart and RUN.
Post # 50
lana0731 : I normally say the cheating is not black and white. And, just because someone cheats on your once doesn’t necessarly mean you should break up. I think each situation is different, and there are grey areas. But with your relationship it apears that there are problems beyond cheating. Even if he didn’t cheat I would still maybe question ending it. I know you’ve been togethe a long time and the thought of breaking up and starting over is hard, but I don’t see this ending well.
Post # 51
You will never be able to trust this guy. He clearly has no intentions to be true to you, he’ll take his chances whenever he’ll get them. Don’t stay with this pathetic excuse for a man. People like him really disgust me. You should feel the same about him, and will, once you get away from him and are able to see things clearly.
Post # 52
I just want to say thank you to everyone for all of your helpful advice, and for being so kind. I’ve been trying to keep my family & friends out of it so that I can come a clear decision on my own without everyone’s input (because I KNOW what they would all say, being my friends/sister/parents that want only the best for me), so having you all weigh in with unbiased perspectives has been very helpful for me to see the writing on the wall, and right through my own words. I definitely just need some strength. Both nights the incidents happened, my gut told me something wasn’t right, even though we were across the country from one another, and so I don’t know why I’m ignoring it now. I have a very strong intuition that is currently being coupled with “fight or flight” mode, trying to protect myself.
Again, thank you all so very much for taking the time to give me such thoughtful advice. I’ll be sure to pay it forward to another unfortunate girl in the same shoes.