(Closed) He crossed the line and now he’s standing right on it

posted 7 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
330 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Eek….I am so sorry that you Darling Husband feels this way and you are not on the same page. I have an issue with it as well and would be reacting in the same way as you are…once he did it at first and now not letting you at his phone he seems untrustworthy but again that is for you to judge as he is your husband. Maybe you could work this out by saying due to previous issues you need him to be 100% open and you are feeling that he isnt. I would be so uncomfortable with this…..

Good luck…

Post # 4
2638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2006

“I told him specifically I don’t like it and he still does it.”

Bingo. You know what the problem is here and he needs to respect your wishes and your boundaries. You are his WIFE and deserve, at the very least, the courtesy of him not having a fantasy internet affair. Low libido or not, he still vowed to be faithful to you and this is not being faithful.

For the record, my husband and I know of another couple we’re friends with where the guy does this and the girl is VERY bothered by this but hasn’t addressed it. We both agree it is VERY inappropriate and do not condone it. For me, it would really bother me that although you are in general totally accepting that he looks at porn, he will not give up the interactive sites. Clearly they’re not JUST PORN if he refuses to give them up in lieu of regular porn sites. What he goes to them for he needs to go to you for, or learn to live without. Sorry, those are TOUGH COOKIES, dude.

I don’t know. It sounds like you two need to have another conversation about this. Either he agrees to play by the rules or . . . I don’t know. There needs to be a compromise that honors your marriage and doesn’t make either of you feel like you’ve been neutered.

And you’re right, the fact that he won’t let you use his phone unsupervised is icky and probably not a good sign.

Post # 5
796 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Oh man, this is a tough one. I’m so sorry that this is tearing you apart. I guess my thoughts would be that if there is respect on both sides, that if you ask him not to do something because it’s hurtful to you, that should be enough for him. Would you do the same thing for him? Probably. It doesn’t seem to be that big of a request. I hope that helps. Best of luck!

Post # 6
1556 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I don’t think you’re in the wrong here. He should respect you and care about you enough to follow such a request. It’s not like you’re out-lawing porn, you’re just out-lawing the intimate part that he’s participating in. I think you have a good handle on things, acknowleding that guys watch porn and it can be a healthy aspect of your sex life. There needs to be some give and take in the relationship and these webcam girls should not come before his wife’s feelings. Good luck!

Post # 7
1543 posts
Bumble bee

I have to agree with PPs on having further talks with your Darling Husband, and setting some boundaries, letting him know this is NOT okay. That being said, I wanted to touch on your low libido issues. When you say you’re unwilling to seek professional help, does that include medical doctors as well? Perhaps your low libido could be fixed with medicine or some other treatment that an M.D. could help you with. (Unless you’re already working on that, then nevermind) ETA: I don’t want to come across as thinking that it’s okay that your Darling Husband is “looking elsewhere” to get his rocks off, just because he feels he’s not getting enough due to your low libido. It is NOT okay.

Also, are you willing to watch porn with him? As a foreplay type thing? That could also help with the low libido. Just my two cents.

Good luck.

Post # 8
6339 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2014

Firstly, I agree that he is being disrespectful. It concerns me that he would respond in a ‘tough cookies’ way, as this shows scant regard for your feelings, and a huge lack of respect IMPO; you are not asking him to stop watching porn, you are asking him to stop viewing webcams (and I agree that they are very different to porn, as there IS interaction). My other issue is that if he genuinely sees them as just porn, and doesn’t interact with the girls, what’s the big deal with stopping, to respect your feelings, and watching ‘regular’ porn, which you’re OK with?.. My gut tells me that he IS interacting with these girls, otherwise I cannot understand why stopping watching them would be such an issue; unless it’s a case of him not wanting to be ‘told’ what to do, in which case he is immature, which is not good either.

My other concern is with the way he reacted last time, by blaming you. He was the one who crossed the line, and he was 100% in the wrong; it worries me that he was so quick to blame you, rather than taking responsibility for his actions, as it suggests to me that he doesn’t fully accept that he was in the wrong, and feels you were somehow to blame; which is wrong, and unfair, and again shows a lack of respect, as well as the possibility of a repeat incident.

However, I do think that differing sex drives can be a huge issue, and I do think that for a relationship to be successful, you need to be able to reach some sort of compromise. I have endo, which can make sex extremely painful; I am also on the mini-pill to treat it, which has lowered my sex drive. But I make a big effort, because sex is important to my partner, and to our relationship. I instigate sex on a regular basis, even if I don’t feel like it; and if I can’t manage full sex due to pain, I always make sure I pleasure him in other ways. We have sex in some form at least 3-5 times a week (we don’t live together, so it’s basically most nights we spent together); sometimes, this takes some effort on my part, but I make that effort. And once I’ve started, I’m always glad I did. So I do think that you need to address your low sex drive, and try to make more of an effort to have sex more often.

I am not at all saying you are to blame; but unfortunately, like it or not, differing sex drives can be and often is an issue, and people sometimes do stray as a result. It shouldn’t be something that’s insurmountable.

You need to talk to him, and share how you’re feeling, but also listen to how he feels, and then try to reach a compromise together.

Post # 9
1326 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Your not in the wrong or being paranoid at all. He hasn’t given you any reason to trust him again. By not respecting your wishes, he’s basically saying as you said “tough cookies”. And IMO porn is one thing, web cam is a whole new ball game. 

If there was nothing to hide I don’t know why he’s being so overprotective of his phone. I think he needs to make a serious committment in rebuilding your trust, he needs to realize that if this doesn’t happen your relationship could seriously suffer. Trust issues don’t go away, they only fester and get worse.

Good luck!!

Post # 10
140 posts
Blushing bee

First off, my heart goes out to you in this situation. It’s not an easy one to be in. I can’t offer you any advise other than this- TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS. Don’t let him convince you things are alright when you know they aren’t.

My ex Boyfriend or Best Friend did the same thing to me. I stayed after I found the first set of pictures on his phone. I’ve never had a problem with porn, so I couldn’t understand why he would insist on webchatting with other women. There is a major difference between the two. Like you, I was afraid of finding anything else, so I wouldn’t even go on my own computer out of fear of finding something seedy. I wanted to trust him, but I knew deep down that something wasnt right. 

In my situation things escalated to physical cheating with underage girls he met online. I was devastated when it all came to light, but he denied it to the very end. Despite the evidence, the photos, the texts, the condom wrappers in his pockets. He thought I was stupid, and for a while, I guess I was. He refused to go to counselling, of course. I guess he knew how that would turn out for him.

For him to do this after only a year of marriage is very concerning. I’m sure he was well aware of the level your sex drive before you got married. There’s no excuse for him to look elsewhere, he made a commitment to you. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best of luck. Be strong, you deserve MUCH better than this.


Post # 11
7524 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

I am one of those women that really doesn’t mind porn at all.  But your situation bothers me.  The whole web cam things is another level and his attitude is disturbing.  His attitude is disrespectful.

Post # 12
3152 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

well, i think you have 2 issues here.

1- he’s being super disrespectful. i don’t have any clue what my guy watches and i really don’t want to know. i would be upset if i knew he was basically paying a girl directly to take her clothes off. same way i feel about strippers. the free sites? no problem.

2. you should address your low sex drive. i’m not saying he’s going about things correctly AT ALL, but you’re not meeting his needs. i think your situation will not be better until you somehow come to something that feels comfortable for both of you. sex is important and you both need to compromise or things will never be right.

Post # 13
3624 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I doubt you’ll have a good outcome without professional help. Clearly he doesn’t respect you enough to change. Sorry

Post # 14
4755 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

You haven’t truely forgive him. And until you do (or decide that you never will) you’re doomed. I think you need (and hime) need to discuss your wants, needs, expectations with a therapist.

Post # 15
3220 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

I pretty much agree with @relaxedabout it.

I think you all need to act more maturely and both take responsiblity for your actions.  He’s being incredibly disrespectful and refusing to discuss this issue with you. There shouldn’t be this much secrecy and disrespect in a marriage. I have no opinion on what he’s looking at, but he needs to listen to what you think. 

Secondly, I think you do need to address your low sex-drive. It’s a medical problem and it could be a symptom of something else– plus you have an obligation to your partner that you presumably agreed upon when you got married (or else he wouldn’t be raising a stink now!)  I certainly don’t mean to say you’ve caused him to stray or anything like that– but I do think you need to address that your drive is a separate, but important, problem.

However, it’ll probably be hard to be attracted to him now that he’s disrespecting you and doing all of this, so I think you’re going to need professional help for both of the issues. 

The topic ‘He crossed the line and now he’s standing right on it’ is closed to new replies.

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