- 6 years ago
- Wedding: January 1992
Long time lurker- First time venter… here goes…
We have been together for a long time and married for a bit over one year. It hasn’t been a fairy tale but I consider us to have a really strong love and respect based relationship that has never had any “deal breaker” issues. Late one night about a year ago my Darling Husband got a text while he was asleep. I glanced over to check who it was from and saw a picture of some girls boobs.
::cue the end of the world as I knew it::
Long story short (sorry, I know you love the juicy details) he admitted to calling chat/party lines and had asked some girl to send him the pictures. He said he did it for the thrill / attention and that I was not meeting his needs sexually so he was acting on a fantasy. My low sex drive has been a problem for a while, and I knew he was frustrated but I was in the “all men will go out for dinner if you won’t make it at home— except for my guy” camp. I was blindsided and crushed. I believe that nothing physical happened, which is the only reason why we are still together. He agreed to never call up those lines again and spent his time in the dog house. A year later and we are going strong and have moved on. “It” will never be forgotten but I try not to bring it up in fights. Besides that one time when I saw those pictures and texts I have not snooped on his phone or the computer. But there are still things that make me uneasy, and I come to you to help gauge whether it is paranoia or I am justified.
One thing I brought up when we talked about what was or was not acceptable for a married person to be doing in their free time is watching webcam girls. You know the sites where girls will ::ahem:: “do things” in front of a camera and viewers can live chat with them and make requests. I do not like this one bit given the past experience crossing the line between porn/fantasy & reality/infidelity. In my mind there is nothing wrong with watching whatever you want, but when you have a sexual dialog with someone you should not be sexual with, you are crossing the line. I am also bothered by the fact that these are theoretically obtainable girls, even though chances are they will never meet or plan on meeting the guys that watch them.
I have explained my feelings about this to Darling Husband and his response was more “tough cookies” than I was expecting. He says he does not chat, he just watches, and to him it is just like any other porn you can watch on the internet. He doesn’t see the issue and I know he still watches. He is always very protective of his phone and never lets me use it unsupervised (this nags at my gut too, and I know you will say it is a red flag that he is still doing things he knows I won’t like on his phone- I am forcing the panic down and believe it might only be these webcam websites he’s hiding.)
I guess my question is: In the general sense how do you handle your husband watching types of porn you don’t approve of? It’s not like he is watching something all that taboo, it’s more the fact that I told him specifically I don’t like it and he still does it. I don’t expect him to get my approval for every site on the internet, and I don’t want to dig into the issue… but it still creeps into my mind and turns me off.
I don’t want to go through his phone in search of things to be upset about, but I am very tempted. Part of my thinks ignorance is bliss. I can live with the websites but I would not deal with more texts from hoes. Also- I know it will be suggested but we will not be going to any professionals.