(Closed) He did it again. The selfish monster rears its ugly head.

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
541 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@claireos:  Get him checked for Aspergers. It can be a condition that does pretty much what he’s saying/doing. Aspergers is actually a form of high functioning autisim and can be much easier to deal with if you understand the underlying problem ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 18
Member
7528 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Nona99:  +1.

OP – ((hugs))  Yep, he’s being selfish!  I feel for you, there’s nothing more frustrating than someone dumping all their negativity on you day after day.  I’m so glad you told him exactly how you feel about how he’s treating you.  At least he’s listening, and hopefully will be able to make some positive changes, for your sake as well as his own. 

And:  Congratulations!!!!  ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 19
Member
207 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@claireos:  Yikes, that is expensive. I think ours is $180 without insurance. But I see you’re in MD; my profile is wrong (intentionally), I’m actually in NOVA. He goes to Center for Life Strategies in Herndon, VA – not sure if that’s too far for you; it really depends where in Maryland you live. But they take a lot of different types of insurance.

Post # 21
Member
541 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@claireos:  Might be worth it to try and explain your concerns to the therapist and see if they could look for that. Most mental disorders are not 100% bang on with a person, you’ll have bits of different things and that makes it all the more difficult to diagnose

By some tests I have asbergers by others I don’t. I have OCD and an increased difficulty in empathizing with others and have an instanteous desire to shoot down ideas though no real reason behind those. But I have some good friends and often interact with others and they believe me to be social and fun. Go figure….

Post # 24
Member
207 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@claireos:  As far as we know, he only has anxiety (which led to a secondary depression over the summer; he was basically so anxious that it was impeding daily life, which led to him feeling like a failure and being depressed).

He was diagnosed before we ever met, and was put on Lexapro. Unfortunately, he stopped his meds cold turkey last summer until November. That was a ROUGH time. He went back on Lexapro (an upped dosage; you can’t just start and stop like that), did acupuncture which he loved, started taking fish oil, and probiotics to help his stomach (the anxiety/depression gave him IBS-like symptoms). I can tell when he skips his meds, because he will get physically ill.

As for the therapy, we picked CBT because it is logical, scientific, and teaches coping mechanisms that basic talk therapy doesn’t. They get homework, and have to practice the techniques at home. You “retrain your brain” in a sense, to push the negative thoughts out and understand that they are irrational. In your case, CBT might be beneficial in that he will force himself to get out of the negative thought cycle. Not all change is bad; he is going to have to learn that.

In addition, it usually only takes 12-16 sessions to see real progress. Fiance told me a few weeks ago he didn’t think he needed to go anymore (and I do agree; he is 1000% better for now), but I told him if he ever felt he needed to go back that he shouldn’t hesistate to.

Post # 25
Member
1001 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

My Fiance is an extremely negative person and, like PPs have said, it’s all linked to depression and anxiety. It’s not a matter of him choosing not to see the positive side of things – he literally can’t see one. I would suggest your Fiance seeks help from a doctor if he hasn’t already. My Fiance was on anti-depressants, went off them because they caused weight gain and he’s already overweight, but is going to look for another brand and get therapy when we have the money.

Speaking as someone with (clinically diagnosed, moderately severe) OCD – do NOT let him use an OCD diagnosis, whether real or imagined, as an excuse for being bossy and controlling in all facets of your life. There is a huge difference between needing things to be done a certain way as a result of compulsions and being a controlling jerk, and mental illness is not an excuse to cross this line. My example would be this:

Asking my Fiance to please not open the curtains because it’s one of my rituals: OCD

Telling my Fiance he’s not allowed to have a boys’ night and he has to call me every hour on the hour: controlling jerk

I’m not going to lie, my OCD is a pretty big inconvenience for my Fiance, but I don’t use it as an excuse to be a bitch for no reason. When I ask my Fiance not to do something, he knows there’s a phobia or compulsion behind it, even if he doesn’t understand why.

 

Post # 27
Member
1953 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@claireos:  this is who he is. He doesn’t get excited about things like your schooling and job and you need to accept that. From the sounds of it he’s unhappy that your the breadwinner of the family. Many men feel emasculated when they are thee lower earner.

Post # 28
Member
350 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@claireos:  You sound like a strong and positive person who can persevere.  The most positive people seemed to be attracted to the most negative. Maybe balance each other out?

Add in depression that he might be going through, and that’s a very sad situation because you feel like he can never celebrate along with you.  Just a brick wall there waiting.  You probably need a support group for yourself because it sounds so draining.  And they’ll  have some coping strategies.

 

Post # 29
Member
7528 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@claireos:  Good luck!  Keep us posted, I hope all goes well.  ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 30
Member
602 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

It sounds like he doesn’t like change. If I read your posts correctly he made a career change recently & you bought a home. He may want to feel settled for awhile before another big life change, which honestly is understandable & he has a right to not want to make a big international move at this time, or ever really. However, that doesn’t give him the right to not allow you to take your europe trip or to not be open “Even with the options that would keep us here! In the same town! In the same house!”

I agree with the other posters that he also probably feels immasuclated with you being the bread winner, buying your home, and trying to make all your life decisions about where you live, etc (just saying this from his perspective). Again, however, that doesn’t give him the right to be negative all the time or not celebrate your accomplishments. I think you both need to be more sensitive to each others’ needs & work on being a team. Deciding where to live & making career changes are really difficult decisions, and cause problems for all couples. But, at the end of the day it needs to be you two vs. the world, and you’re both going to have to make sacrifices at different times to keep the relationship going, and not harbor resentment about it. You are currently doing therapy which is great & you should continue! Try to make it clear to him that it’s his ongoing lack of support in general that’s really bothering you most, and not these specific situations. I hope things get better for you both.

Post # 31
Member
1736 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I am glad that you are seeing a therapist. you keep saying “our therapist”, but he doesn’t want to seek help for depression, why has the therapist not picked up on it?

 

 

The topic ‘He did it again. The selfish monster rears its ugly head.’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors