(Closed) He did it again. The selfish monster rears its ugly head.

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
648 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@claireos: Honestly, with your latest post I can see that this is a failure of communication on both of your parts. 

Fact: Your Fiance doesn’t like change. He will always have a negative gut reaction to that. If this is something you can live with, great! If not, well, better that you realize this now than later.

If you decide this is something you can live with, I do think that you can both be more proactive in how you deal with this aspect of his personality. I can relate to his reaction. Change is HARD, especially when you feel like you have no control over your current situation (which I don’t imagine he does, since you have the dominant career in the household). Frankly, it seems to me like you’re expecting a bit too much from him and you’re not supplying him with the information he needs to make you happy. If you move forward acknowledging that he will react negatively to any ideas you put forth, then at least you can figure out a way for you both to get what you need in the relationship. It sounds like he needs time to process big changes to the relationship (TOTALLY understandable IMO). It sounds like you need a lot of instant, supportive feedback when discussing such things. What if you agree to give him 5 minutes to share everything that worries him about the change. You should share your fears too during this time! Then, maybe he agrees to give you 5 minutes to devote to all the positive aspects of the change. Both of you should chime in with positive things during this time. This is just one off-the-cuff idea, but do you see how acknowledging your different personalities can enable you both to find creative ways to deal with them?

I think it’s great of him to think things over and then come around to the idea of change after processing it. I don’t think it’s fair of you to blame him for not being excited *enough* to pull you out of your doubting state. If you need to be reassured, you should learn to ask him for reassurance. Rather than getting frustrated, perhaps you can say to him (after he’s had time to think things through) “I really need you to encourage me right now and reassure me because I’m having doubts.”

Maybe with a few tweaks to how you communicate (and you both being more honest with yourselves and each other about what you want and need in any given situation), you can vastly improve the situation.

Post # 33
97 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I’m sorry that your SO didn’t respond the way you expected him to regarding the success you’ve made and the upcoming opportunities you have.



I would highly recommend going to a relationship therapist/psychologist to help you both with your communication AND to find the source of what is upsetting you both. Sometimes it just helps having a neutral third party point something out and verbalize how you’re both feeling and why you feel that way.



From an outsiders perspective – I would guess that it’s not that your SO is just being selfish. Maybe he’s feeling down that he hasn’t had the same level of success as you have had. Or maybe he’s feeling emasculated b/c, like you mentioned, you bought the house, you pay the bills etc. 



You guys are going through a LOT right now (he’s in a new career, you’re getting married, you may potentially be making a HUGE move with regards to your work and living) – and I think it’d be a great idea to speak to someone to help you both transition and communicate during this time.



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