Post # 1
My fiance and I have been together for 4 years, engaged for 1. I haven’t known him to ever lie to me. Four months ago, we started to have some issues, moreso about money but I we had resolved them and had been doing great. One month ago, in September, something told me to look at his phone and I did. I saw he was using the WhatsUp app to talk to other women as if he was single. He said he felt he wasn’t getting enough attewntion at home because our interests are different. So we started to do more things together. This past week, I asked to look at his phone and he gave it to me. On his phone, he had a conversation with a female friend who I will call Kate; they exchanged “I love you’s.” I told him if we were to move past this, I would need to be able to look at his phone any time, he cannot delete his texts or call logs, and he has to eliminate his friendship with Kate. Then, yesterday he said because of business, he has to be in contact with her so they would only be business related friends. I am having a hard time with deciding what to do. Obviously, my two best friends are mad at me because I haven’t left yet. I don’t want to leave and I am afraid to. We have been living together for 4 years. And his family is my family. I cannot survive financially without him, and I don’t know if I could survive emotionally without him either. I don’t know what to do. He has been so sweet and has given me his phone when I ask. Yes I snooped last night, and i didn’t find anything on it to be suspicious. While my friends saw I should leave, i feel like I have to fight for him, and show him I cannot be replaced by someone else.
Do I stay? Do I leave? I have no idea what to do.
Post # 2
Girl, stop. What are you saying?!
You are with a man who has two children by two other women, both of whom have said he cheated on them.
You are with a man who told another woman I LOVE YOU?! And he’s still in contact with her and gave you some stupid flimsy explanation and you’re just accepting it.
What do you need in order to see that he is not someone to marry or remain in relationship with?
The financial issue is completely separate and if you cannot afford to live on your own, that’s something to look at and address.
The emotional thing- yeah, you can live without him. People figure out how to do it all the time. You just might not know how to yet and there’s no time like the present to start learning.
But even if you haven’t caught him putting his dick in another woman, he has already blatantly violated the terms of your relationship (unless you have agreed to an open relationship, in which case, it still sounds like he’s violated the spirit of your relationship). He just hands his phone over to you with messages for you to find- doesn’t even try to delete them.
He obviously does not respect you AND you have to act like his mother checking up on him. He knows you aren’t going anywhere and he’s going to keep doing whatever he wants. That would piss me off if I were you and I’d start making an exit plan.
Four years is a long time to waste on a piece of shit but it’s a lot better than 10 or 15 or 20.
Stay or go?! Do you really even have to ask?
Post # 3
I’m exhausted just reading your post. Dump this loser.
Post # 4
Red flags. Red flags everywhere.
Post # 5
He does not sound like a great guy!
Post # 6
The only people your fiance should be saying “I love you” to are his family members and you. No one else.
Post # 7
Why do YOU have to “fight for him, and show him you can’t be replaced”! That’s what he should be doing, not you! He should be fighting for you, begging for forgiveness, convincing you that he will never tell another woman “I love you” again. It honestly makes me sick to read that you feel you have to try to win him back when he was supposed to be yours to begin with. I can never understand why women take responsibility for their man cheating…you don’t owe him anything and you don’t have to prove anything to him. If you stupidly choose to stay with him, then it’s him who should be kissing your a$$, not you to him.
Post # 8
If you won’t listen to your friends, I doubt very seriously you will listen to any of us, but here goes. This is your life and the decision to stay or leave is ultimately yours.
That being said, I think you are very naive at best to continue on with this relationship without major changes and/or couples counseling. People in healthy relationships do not :
Put up singles profiles on dating apps
Exchange I love yous with a member of the opposite sex who is not a relative
Snoop through each others phones
Stay together simply out of fear of financial and emotional instability
Engage in a one sided fight to save the relationship
I really hope you think long and hard about the kind of life and relationship you want. If things continue as they are without work on both your parts, it sounds like this relatiionship is doomed. Sometimes love alone is not enough. And you have to love yourself enough to not settle for anything less than what you deserve.
Post # 9
What does “fully cheat” mean to you?
Why does it matter whether if he cheated on the mothers of his two children or didn’t? Is he supporting those two children?
Why does he go outside of your relationship if he has problems with what happens between the two of you?
Why would you think he’d be honest about obeying your “new” rules if he already is unable to keep “old” rules?
How do you feel when he exchanges “I love yous” with someone who isn’t his fiancé (you)?
Why are you having trouble deciding what you should do?
Post # 10
You must immediately make a financial plan to be independent without this man. Do whatever it takes – change your job, take on a second job, become willing to live with family, friends, or roommates. DO WHATEVER IT TAKES.
Post # 11
You should leave…without hesitation.
Post # 12
I would be so incredibly hurt if my partner told someone else he loved them. I can’t even imagine. Is this how you envisioned your life like really??? I would say nothing to be salvaged here. Staying in this sends a strong message that 1. You do not respect yourself and 2. You are not to be respected by other people.
Post # 13
Your Fiance told another woman he loves her and you wonder if you should stay?
WHEN you leave, please oh please seek therapy. The fact that you doubt makes it seem like you might have hidden self esteem issues (no offence).
Post # 14
mrs2014 : I don’t think her issues are hidden. They’re pretty blatant…especially to him. She makes poor dating choices – and clearly so did his two baby mamas. He’s a serial cheater who gets in relationships with doormat women. This time, he’s even found one who’s willing to beg him to stay with her (WTF?!) after she went through his phone (hello, trust issues) and found categorically unacceptable relationships with other women – which he admits to but blames on HER for not giving him enough attention.
Everyone else can pity this girl. I’m disgusted by her and other women who actively choose to “fight for” or stay in relationships which aren’t emotionally unhealthy, physically or sexual abusive, financially one-sided, untrustworthy, etc.
Post # 15
sunshinenumber5 : I said hidden because I think the OP doesn’t realise that, while her behaviour would suggest low self esteem to outsiders. Which is very sad and something she has to work on.
One of my friends keeps getting involved with unavailable guys, claiming that why not and what’s the worst what can happen. As she was never in a real relationship it looks to me like she has very low self esteem and that’s why she goes for jerks (mostly guys who cheat with her on their gf’s). But she doesn’t see her self esteem issues and keeps claiming like she is having fun….