He didn't propose and it breaks my heart

posted 3 years ago in Engagement
Post # 16
Member
1670 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2018 - Our Backyard

princess_r :  it’s true but I think getting upset about no proposal when New Years is a week away is premature. At least wait until after New Years to be upset 🙂 but, yes I agree with OPs in that: have they discussed marriage, timelines, etc? 

Post # 17
Member
838 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Can’t say that I have much advice, but I am in the same boat.  Been together 7 years and still no proposal.  I will say, however, that neither one of us like Christmas engagements so I was not at all expecting it.  But there was a small part of me that was secretly hoping he would just because I’m tired of waiting and seeing everyone else get engaged on social media.

Post # 21
Member
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

gardener09 :  when you said you asked him why he “won’t” — well, I’m wondering if he’s said flat out that he won’t? or like other posters asked, if you two have talked and know where the other stands on marriage in general?

Personally, I also think you should ask again. 

ETA: based on your comments, I don’t know…it seems like he wouldn’t say all that if he wasn’t open and serious about the idea of marrying you. I would say again to not let him laugh it off. And I’m kind of inclined like the other hopeful Poster to say that maybe you should wait until after the next holiday. It is possible that he has plans in the works…

otherwise, if he knows all this and still “won’t” get engaged to you…then he’s kind of jerk to lead you on :/ I hope that’s not the case!

Post # 22
Member
371 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

gardener09 :  what did he say when you asked? like specifically what was his answer

Post # 23
Member
469 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

gardener09 :  Gotta be honest, bee, it’s not encouraging that he laughs and brushes off your questions about marriage.

You wrote a lot about wanting to get married and have kids soon, but not much about your boyfriend.  Getting married and having kids by your ideal timeline is not as important as doing those things with the RIGHT PERSON.  Really ask yourself whether he is the right guy for you, and whether you are truly compatible.  Does he treat you well?  Do you see yourself growing old with him?  Would he be a good father?  Does he want kids too, and if so, what kind of timeline does he foresee?  Does he communicate well with you?  Does he care about your wishes, hopes, and dreams, and want you to have them as much as you do?

If you can say yes to all of these questions, then I will advise you to decide whether you want him more than you want marriage.  If you’d be content spending the rest of your life with him without ever getting married, then set your anxiety about engagement aside and just enjoy your relationship for what it is, with no expectation of marriage.  Maybe it will happen, maybe it won’t, but you won’t be bitter with resentment either way.  If marriage is a dealbreaker for you, then ask him what he is waiting to happen before you get married (such as finishing school, improving his finances, buying a house, etc).  If he still dismisses you or has no reason to delay marriage, then set a timeline for yourself (don’t tell him).  If he doesn’t propose or address your desire to marry by that day, leave him.  Leave him and don’t look back.  Take time to recover, heal, then find the guy who cherishes you, shares your goals, and is enthusiastic about marrying you.  He’s out there.

Post # 24
Member
6834 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

gardener09 :  You keep saying he knows you want to get married and you’ve sent him ring pics and whatnot, but have you actually sat down and had a real conversation about it? I don’t mean dropping hints. I don’t mean random offhand comments about insurance. I don’t mean sending him ring pics. I mean talking about what you WANT and EXPECT out of this relationship and where it is going. 

Post # 25
Member
2713 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

You need to ask him what “when the time is right” means.  I agree with all the PPs who said you need to sit down and have a serious talk with him about it.

Post # 26
Member
486 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

gardener09 :  Something similar happened to me last year.  My birthday came.  No proposal.  Christmas came.  No proposal (I got a clothing accessory for a gift lol).   I began to lose hope so I didn’t bother to do my nails or expect anything for NYE.  NYE came and I got a proposal!  

If you both know you’re for each other, you just need to be patient and stop comparing your timeline with everyone else’s timeline.  

Post # 27
Member
48 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2015

gardener09 :  having a real conversation about a timeline is not begging.  After the new year I would suggest you sit him down and say I thought 2016 was our year and I was wrong so I’d like to get a time line from you.  Only you can decide if you wasted seven years and it’s better to know now so you don’t waste eight.

Post # 28
Member
1350 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

There’s waiting and there’s not being sure about your future. 

While waiting for my Fiance to propose there was no question for me about him wanting to marry me, have children with me, etc. It was an open conversation the whole time. We both had to flex a little on timeline but I wasn’t nervous about his commitment to me. 

You should be at that point at 7 years. Talk to him bee or cut your losses. 

 

baunie :  Maybe her parent’s feel like he’s yanking her around and are frustrated with seeing their daughter upset. 

Post # 29
Member
3 posts
Wannabee

The best advice I can offer is to wait until after Engagement Season is over. If he doesn’t propose during that time frame (due to his laughing off your question, it might be a way to throw you off a proposal like another post mentioned); then request a discussion regarding your futures together. 

If he can’t even have a serious talk about your futures, that might give you an answer right there. Communication is key for both of you right now and you both need to be on the same page for things to work out. Forcing, begging, and using ultimatums to get a proposal will only cause resentment and friction in your relationship. You really don’t want to have a marriage start out like that. 

I’m truly sorry that you are going through this, it’s not an easy spot to be in after 7 years. I hope things work out for the best, OP. 

Post # 30
Member
1226 posts
Bumble bee

gardener09 :  It is time for you to show some agency in this situation, Bee.  You can’t just sit around waiting and hoping – you have a voice, use it!  Unless you have some pretty messed up power dynamics in your relationship (in which case, I would actually advise against marrying your BF), you can prevent him from “laughing it off” the next time you start this conversation.  Please realize: this is your life too – you should be an active participant, not a bystander waiting for your boyfriend to decide “when it is time”.

You don’t have to propose yourself, but you also shouldn’t be wondering IF a proposal will ever come.  Also, please don’t buy into the nonsense about nagging girlfriends: situations reversed, if there was something your boyfriend really wanted that you had the ability to give him, do you think he’d be content to sit quietly and wait until you decided you were ready? In fact, would you be content to leave him to languish in uncertainty when you know you can so easily give him what he wants, especially if it was something you wanted too?

Sit him down, tell him your concerns and say you want to realistically discuss a timeline.  If he cannot give you one, or if he gives you another BS “when the moment is right” answer, I think you need to consider the possibility that this is not the guy for you.

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