He doesn’t believe in engagement rings

posted 2 years ago in Rings
Post # 16
Member
1117 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

My husband, like most men, thinks that diamonds are a waste of money. However, I wanted one. So I have an almost 2 carat diamond on my finger. And he was HAPPY to do that for me.

 

It’s especially alarming considering you say he likes his own “toys”. I get that a ring doesn’t make a marriage, but if you want one, and can afford one, he should want to make it happen.

Post # 17
Member
276 posts
Helper bee

Tell him to sell one of the cars and buy you a ring. What a cheapskate!! 

Post # 18
Member
4791 posts
Honey bee

A perfect man us one who will listen to your needs and accommodate them in a way that shows he’s willing to compromise. 

An imperfect man is someone who states that your needs are wasteful, while his own are necessary.

Post # 19
Member
331 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2019

My fiancé thinks engagement rings are overpriced BS. I don’t disagree, but he knew I wanted one, and I got one. Make sure he knows what you want. I’d flat out tell him a simple band is ugly and you don’t want it, but give him options of what you DO like. 

Post # 20
Member
2323 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

It doesn’t matter whether or not he believes in engagement rings. If it is important to you, it should be important to him. I told my husband before we got engaged that if he wanted to get engaged he needed to do a formal proposal with a diamond ring. He got the message and that’s what he did. 

If you are close enough to someone that you want to get married, you should be able to talk to him about your needs. He also should be able to sacrifice his own needs/opinions sometimes when he knows it’s important to you. 

Post # 21
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

“He sees us just getting a basic wedding band for the engagement”

If this is the way he worded his response to you hinting you loved your friend’s ring, this makes me side eye your boyfriend OP. What bothers me about his response is that if you’re telling your boyfriend you loved her engagement ring, I think that’s fairly indicative that you may want an engagement ring. Instead of asking you if you saw yourself with an engagement ring, or possibly asking how important one would be to you, his first reaction is to tell you-for the both of you without asking your opinion on the matter- is that it’s a waste of money and he doesn’t see you with one. That may very well be all and good for him, but an engagement ring or lack thereof should be a joint decision.

Here’s to giving this guy the benefit of the doubt that he just blatantly spoke his mind without consideration to you, made a mistake, and he’ll be open and understanding on your feelings on the subject once you bring it up. Simply tell him how you feel. You could suggest either him picking out an inexpensive/modest ring (but be clear in your guidelines about what you want, perhaps pick it out with him), or you can offer to pay for the majority of it yourself if it’s a ring too expensive to his tastes and have him pay the remaining amount you both agree upon. If he won’t agree to that you can choose to either learn to accept just a wedding band or pay for the whole engagement ring yourself (if you can truly get bedhind what he’s selling to you).  But honestly I would have a hard time understanding why the person who supposedly loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you could have such opposition to something that financially wouldn’t affect him at all and would make you happy. To me at least, it seems kinda shitty.  

Post # 22
Member
6669 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

hopefulmrsm :  good for you having the conversation and being direct with him. Hopefully, he hears you and can see your side of things. Because anyone with two new vehicles for one body doesn’t really have much room to poopoo an engagement ring.

The only thing I would push back on is that I really think women generally need to stop saying “I’ll be happy with whatever you get me.” It’s rarely true. The main reason you are having the conversation is that he already told you what he wanted to get you and you were like “Nope. That doesn’t work for me.” and it’s good that you gave him your perspective. Don’t pull back by adding that “I’m sure I’ll be happy with whatever” because if he gives you a twig (as I saw someone else say she would be happy to receive on another thread), I can’t imagine you’ll say “This is GREAT! and perfectly adequate until you replace it with the plain band ring you already said you wanted to get me!”

We (as a sex) really need to stop saying things that contradict the truth of what we are feeling. It’s disingenuous, misleading to our partners, and it’s a drag on our vitality and wellbeing.

Post # 22
Member
6714 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

Yes, a plain band will speak the same volume as a diamond ring, in the same way a 40 year old AMC Gremlin can get you from point A to point B, and bonus: no car payments! What I’m getting at here is that everyone has their “thing”, and I would bet he spends his money on some treats for himself – nice car? Nice suits? Technology? Golf or another hobby? Trips? Why would he do that? Because something else matters to him. This matters to you, and should be given the same consideration as the things he sees as important.

Post # 24
Member
378 posts
Helper bee

My fiancé doesn’t see the point in engagement rings, he thinks it’s all BS and all that jazz, but, I wanted one…I always saw me with one and I love the notion of them. He got me one needless to say but I did think I’d have to buy my own haha! 

I’d gently have that conversation and say how much it means to you, then say you’re buying one regardless and ask him to either join in with it all or not.

Post # 25
Member
41 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2015

This is a huge communication issue. I would talk to him about it and explain how important it is to you. Again. Be firm. If budget is a concern there are may affordable diamond alternatives (I have recently joined the Moissanite crew due to ethical reasons). The reality is he may think it is stupid but if it is important to you that should be more than reason enough for any good partner to be willing to come to a compromise.  A good partner wants to see their spouse happy and is willing to work with them to a satifactory compromise.

The way I see it:

An engagement ring is more than just an expensive object; it is a statement to the world that you will wear everyday. It  says  “Someone loves and values this woman and she loves and values them too…enough that she is willing to wear a mark that shows the world she has committed her heart to another for the rest of her life.”

I personally feel that the ring that shows that commitment should be whatever shape or size the wearer wants. It may seem shallow to some but I look at my ring every day and am reminded that I am valued by my partner. It is ok to take pleasure in things and wanting a nice sparkly! It is something that millions of years of evolution has bred into us.

I really think you guys can find a compromise.

Post # 26
Member
490 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2019 - Southampton, UK

If the money is no issue, and he has two new cars, you should be able to get the ring if it’s important to you.  What if cars were not important to YOU?  Should he not have his cars (except a clunker for the function of getting from one place to another)? Having fancy cars is not necessary, but it makes him happy.  He may not feel that way about a ring, but he should be able to understand that YOU feel that way about it.  Have another discussion about it. 

Post # 27
Member
916 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

im sure you can find a way especially if you can afford it! good luck bee, i feel luck is on your side

Post # 28
Member
331 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

maybe he sees the inequality that women get a ring for engagement and men don’t, which I would understand. I mean, I was proposed to with a ring, and my husband didn’t get anything, but if it had been an issue for him I would have understood. Maybe discuss if he would want someone material to symbolise the engagement too, and then you could both buy each other something of similar value?

Post # 29
Member
9454 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

i think i’d just make it simple for him:

I want a blingy ring I can wear daily on my ring finger.  Its an accessory that I plan to wear every day for the rest of my life, so I want it to be gorgeous.

I’d like it if I could say it was from you, but I will but it for myself if you don’t want to be involved in picking it out and purchasing it.

Let him decide what he wants to do from there…

Post # 30
Member
2314 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015 - Ruby Princess

malayna :  came to say the same thing.

Buy your own, and when he balks, just say, “I believe in them, they’re real afterall!”

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