Post # 1
Member
1313 posts
Bumble bee
We aren’t engaged, but SO has made it clear to me he wants to have kids with me and be committed to me. He has just made excuses as to why he hasn’t proposed, but he keeps coming back to .. he just doesn’t agree with the institution of marriage. And for the first time, I am kind of feeling okay with that. So, I guess we’ll just be life partners that have children but never get married.
He said tonight, “we could have had a 2 year old by now”. Yep… buttt I wasn’t quite ready for that then. 2.5 years later, I’m feeling more ready for a child. We’ll be in a decent enough financial state by the time we’d actually have a baby.
We talked about TTC in March, and hope to get pregnant by July. If it doesn’t happen, we’ll wait til the next March to try again. I am hoping to be a full time photographer and Stay-At-Home Mom, and getting preggo from March-July would mean having a baby in the off season. I wanna have the winter to spend with our baby 🙂
Of course, if I could have it my way, we’d get married in May, 7 months from now, preggo or not. But… he didn’t commit to that and I cannot get my hopes up for it.
Right now, I’ll just be ok with the fact he does want a life with me, and he’s 100% on board with TTC in March..
He claims his health insurance would cover the mother of his child. I asked him if he was 100% sure and he said no… soo… yeah. I didn’t think most insurance policies would do that?
Would you be on board with that or not and why?
Post # 3
Member
1697 posts
Bumble bee
no. i would not be on board. As delicatly as I can say this…if you are ok with having a baby with him and not being married, that’s very ok. Many women make thihs choice and are fab moms. It is your own perogative. And i trust youve put thought into it. I just say make sure you are independent. Meaning. you could do this own your own if you had too. then GREAT cause he is there for you too! But please all i ask is have YOUR ducks in a row before getting preggers. And i plead with you to know I totally wouldn’t judge whatever you decide to do. I get passionate about this sort of thing cause this sounds like what my sons dad said to me, and I never in a million years thought that how it went down would have went down. go with your gut hun.
Post # 4
Member
1697 posts
Bumble bee
i also want to say I know lots of good long term relationships that work out without marriage.
Post # 5
Member
1313 posts
Bumble bee
@Angelz_love:
Right now, I have both a full time job and a full time business and could fully support myself… so I’ve got that going for me 🙂 But… I really wanted to quit my full time and do photos fuill time when we had a baby. I have no clue at this point how much I would be making, so… that’s a little scary because you are right, you never truly know, no one can tell the future.
I’m so sorry about how things turned out w/ your son’s dad… sounds like it wasn’t good at all :/ hugs!
Post # 6
Member
1313 posts
Bumble bee
Mostly votes for never.. I’m just curious to know why?
Not because I don’t agree with you.. because believe me I am making a sacrifice by not getting married! i’d love to.
Post # 7
Member
3342 posts
Sugar bee
Hubs tried to pull this one on me before we were engaged. I said “no.” It just doesn’t make sense to me to choose to have kids before getting married. How can he not commit to you but say that he will commit to a family? You don’t have to have a big wedding.
Post # 8
Member
4801 posts
Honey bee
I said I would not do this. It’s mostly because of my religious background – I just can’t get away from the feeling that it would be somehow wrong. Also, my parents would absolutely flip and I want my first baby to be a totally positive experience.
Post # 9
Member
1313 posts
Bumble bee
@JoJo Bananas: Agreed. We’ve gone back and forth on this.. a lot. And I wouldn’t and wouldn’t budge. He would have had kids last year! I am trying to be sympathetic to him, becasue he’s told me he WILL get married to me, but just because I want it… wellllll… I don’t wanna get married to him for that reason! I’d rather it be mutual or not do it at all. I couldn’t go into it knowing he didn’t really want that. :/
Post # 10
Member
1398 posts
Bumble bee
No offense, but your guy is being a total douche. So he loves you enough to knock you up but not enough to give you his last name. I think his attitude stinks and you obviously want to be married, or you wouldn’t even be on this board. Please do not settle for a lifetime of being referred to as his Baby Mama instead of his wife. You deserve better. You deserve to be part of a LEGALLY committed couple and to have legitimate children. You deserve security, and true, everlasting commitment with a rock steady guy who would be proud to call you his wife. Unless your guy does an about face, I don’t know that he is it.
Post # 11
Member
2583 posts
Sugar bee
@gocubbies: Well for one thing, most insurances would not cover the mother of his child. Also, when you’re takling life insurance and other legal aspects, being married just makes all that so much easier. I’m curious as to what he disagrees with?
Also, my cousin thought she was in a long term, life partner relationship once. They had a daughter and he left. She moved on, found another guy, a life partner- together for about 11 years, had 3 kids together. Then they split and she’s been with another guy for a year. I think relationships can work without marriage, don’t take this the wrong way. But it’s a lot easier to give up and stop trying and just walk away when that religious and/or legal commitment just isn’t there.
@JoJo Bananas: And I agree with this.
Post # 12
Member
595 posts
Busy bee
Probably going to sound like a bitch, but he can’t exactly have babies by himself… if he wants children with you, and being married is very important to you, he should take that into serious consideration. Now if you’re fine not being married, then it’s okay.
Post # 13
Member
1697 posts
Bumble bee
@gocubbies:you are a sweetie and sound like a smart independent woman:) If you can support yourself then it is a matter of preference. I can say from experience it isnt money that raises a child it is support. extended strong support systems.
Post # 14
Member
595 posts
Busy bee
Also agree with what the other Bees are saying. Even if he doesn’t agree with marriage, it will make your lives SO MUCH EASIER if you are.
Post # 15
Member
5988 posts
Bee Keeper
my answer is no but i also wouldnt live with my guy before we were married either – not for religious reasons but im a all or nothing kinda gal
i do have friends that are unmarried and parents – they are very committed but the pregnancies were also unplanned
Post # 16
Member
1313 posts
Bumble bee
@galloway111:
His view on marriage.. He thinks love/committment should not have to be proven with a “meaningless” piece of paper.. we were put on this earth to procreate, not be be instutionally, legally married…we want to be together and that should be enough for us. etc.
But it’s a lot easier to give up and stop trying and just walk away when that religious and/or legal commitment just isn’t there. Yes. So true, and i think deep down that’s part of his reason.