- 9 years ago
- Wedding: June 2012
I would never in a million years if he were the last man on the planet and the only way I could survive were to have a child. If he can’t buy the farm, he gets no produce from it. ( i hate the whole milk /cow thing- we are NOT cows)
1.) If he is not able to commit to marriage I would be very leary of his ability to commit to raising a child –FOREVER. Not just now but Forever. And to you for that matter.
2.) Financially -although a child his resonsiblity regardless if you are married or not. It is easier to get the financial support legally if you were /are married.
Married to my sons father for 10 years, when the divorce came he wanted to give US, $400 a month in support. I had been a stay at home Mom during our marriage at Husbands request, he moved us to another state 6 months before the divorce so I had no family, no friends and my college who had a placement program was out of state. So when I went to court they were agast at his actions, especially due to his income ( he was the VP of VERY large well known company) I was able to get by law $2500 a month plus an extra $1000 because we were married. This ( plus income from a eventual job) allowed me to raise my son safely and provide a college education for him. My neice who was in a similar situation got nothing for her daughter when the father whom she was not married to left her for another woman. Much as she tried the courts didn’t do a whole lot to help her out.
If he isn’t ready for marriage he isn’t ready to be a Dad – Only my opinion but you asked.
To be completely honest, I think you two have irreconcilably different sets of priorities. These aren’t things you can easily compromise on, and it’s not fair to bring a child into such an unstable environment where his/her parents are at odds over major life decisions.
I don’t get it… Whether or not you get married; if you have a child together you will be in each other’s lives forever. It’s not only a commitment to the child, it’s also a commitment to you. I don’t see how he doesn’t see that.
You are asking for an opinion on a wedding website, so of course the majority of people will tell you not to go for this…
I personally wouldn’t; I wouldn’t commit to live with someone until we had both committed to spend our lives together, so, no planned children out of wedlock for me, for sure.
and in your situation in particular, I would not have children with him right now. He kinda committed to a wedding date and then with no explanation at all, “just didn’t propose”. To me this doesn’t show the maturity it takes to bring up a child. Plus, if you decide to have children with him and he still doesn’t propose, you’ll end up resenting him because it’s important for you and it won’t work anyway. I wouldn’t take this huge step based on a promise that “some day we’ll get married” if he so easily backed up from that promise before.
It would be different if marriage was not important for you but it is. It always was. It’s more than just a piece of paper, you know it, and he knows it too, otherwise he wouldn’t be so hesitant to go for it.
Raising kids is much harder than marriage, it takes a lot of work; if he’s not committed to being with you forever, I don’t see how this can work.
I did it and it backfired on me. I’m glad now, but am forever going to have to deal with him being a deadbeat. He couldn’t commit to being a life partner and he can’t commit to paying for his child and seeing his child. They are both really related.
I’m married now, and even though my DH and I were both 110% about getting married and then TTC. Even then, I wanted to wait.
I’m piping back in as the voice who says that fear of a wedding/ marriage doesn’t equal fear of a committed, life-long relationship with healthy parenting. I hear a lot of posters saying he can up and leave whenever he wants without marriage, but then so many of the examples cited are divorces.
I think his fear is just that– a fear. It can be worked out and doesn’t have to be a huge, red flag, character flaw. I know I’m in the minority here, and as someone who was scared of the wedding and possibly even scared of the marriage but is now so thankful I went through with it… I just want to voice the possibility that this is a good and decent man who is just afraid of something he doesn’t really understand. He can be all for commitment, family, a life together… but something about the “idea” of marriage, as he’s built up in his mind for whatever reasons, is holding him back. It doesn’t have to mean he’s a bad guy and she needs to reevalute her relationship with him.
If my DH had left me when I was scared, we wouldn’t have known how amazing our life would be. Marriage itself is going to have its trials, and this is a trying time for her (and him), but does that mean she should run? I’m a bit miffed by all the aspirations cast on his future parenting based on this one fear. I was an amazing mom and a committed and loyal SO, all while being scared to get married. It’s a fear. They can work it out.
I get the legal arguments though. That is a big consideration and she needs to find out the laws in her area and the insurance he has. I’m not advocating planning to have a child before marriage, but it isn’t damaging to the child for a mature couple who are prepared for a lifetime together. I don’t know them well-enough to decide if they are mature enough for that lifestyle. But I take issue with those who think it’s harmful to the children. The best thing a child can have is a consistent and loving home with two parents who respect and care for each other. I believe in marriage, but I also believe it isn’t a requirement to be a parent. What of same-sex couples who can’t marry eachother… are they not qualified to be parents by that definition?
*lots of valid points made by previous posters~ just want to give voice to this perspective*
ETA: Also agree with PP that it’s different with same-sex couples who WOULD be married if it were legal in their state. I don’t put them in the same category as couples who choose not to be married.
I don’t hear myself making light of laws which prevent same-sex couples from marrying. I’ve shared the lives of friends who are personally affected by it.
I could be wrong, but I think that most of the objections raised by previous posters were to do with the disconnect between what the OP wants and what her SO wants. It is such an important thing to disagree on, than it could be a huge problem in the future.
This issue of course does not apply to couples (be they same-sex or not) who are both in agreement about marriage.
A second issue is his reason for not wanting to get married. I can understand two people who know that they don’t need a legal tie to ensure that they will stay together, but his reason is more along the lines of monogamy going against the natural order. This viewpoint is not a healthy one to couple with the OP’s (I’m guessing) desire for monogamy.
@gocubbies: I just want to point out two things you said that are ringing alarm bells for me:
– When one poster said “But it’s a lot easier to give up and stop trying and just walk away when that religious and/or legal commitment just isn’t there.” Your response got me wondering if this is a good idea: “Yes. So true, and i think deep down that’s part of his reason.”… do you mean you think he wants to avoid marriage in case he wants to leave?…
– You also said, “he’s told me he WILL get married to me, but just because I want it… wellllll… I don’t wanna get married to him for that reason! I’d rather it be mutual or not do it at all.” … My question for you: How is that different from you compromising your wishes and dreams just because HE wants it?
Bottom line: We often do things we wouldn’t normally for the ones we love, but we have to be careful not to compromise what’s important to us too much. It’s important for our partners to see US as people of value too.
You sound like you’ve been dreaming of marriage, but he couldn’t care less about it… if it’s not important to him but really important to you, it’s nice that he’s said now that he’d do it… and I wouldn’t feel too guilty about that.
Other option: Where I live, if you live together for a certain amount of time you become common law, which gets treated in the same way as marriage if you ever split. Is it the same where you live? If that’s the case, maybe you could have a civil ceremony/celebration of love so you can have your dream day?
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