(Closed) He doesn’t care about getting married, just wants to make babies.

posted 10 years ago in Babies
  • poll: Would you TTC before getting married?

    Yep, I would/ I already did this

    I would really consider it/I may have considered it before we got married

    I doubt it, but there's a tiny chance depending on the circumstances

    Never (tell me why!)

    Other

  • Post # 152
    Member
    2160 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: March 2011

    @Lemma:

    This is an honest question, not an arguement… where did the OP say that he thought monogamy went against the natural order of things?  If that’s how he feels, then I’m fighting a from a totally different place. 

    This is from her first post:

    SO has made it clear to me he wants to have kids with me and be committed to me. He has just made excuses as to why he hasn’t proposed, but he keeps coming back to .. he just doesn’t agree with the institution of marriage.

    I thought I read everything, but I must have missed that one.

    Post # 153
    Member
    730 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    @jjmomma:

    His view on marriage..  He thinks love/committment should not have to be proven with a “meaningless” piece of paper.. we were put on this earth to procreate, not be be instutionally, legally married…we want to be together and that should be enough for us. etc.

    That’s the comment that I took the monogamy thing from. It’s possible that he means “put on this earth to procreate” with only one person, but it sounded like a “must spread my seed” argument to me. I could be wrong about that. 

    Post # 154
    Member
    2160 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: March 2011

    @Lemma:  Ugh.  I think I’ll go back and read the whole thing again.  I thought I identified with some of his views based on how I felt before I got married.  But I never wanted to be with more than one man.  I’m not sure I get the same interpretation as you, but I’d have to piece it together with other comments from the OP. 

    This makes me think of a relative who refuses to get married… again.  I’d tell anyone he dates, if they want marriage… run.  He’s not marriage material.  I thought maybe the OP’s SO was more like me? 

    Going back to read…

    Post # 155
    Member
    730 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    @jjmomma:

    It sounds like you were just scared–something we all can identify with. He on the other hand, seems to be actively against marriage which isn’t the same thing as just being scared. 

    Post # 156
    Member
    496 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    @jjmomma: I agree with you and had to work through some serious issues/fears myself in order to feel good about marrying my husband. However, the thing that bothers me most about this situation is that the OP’s significant other is dead-set against therapy. If he were able to acknowledge that 1) he has serious fears around marriage and 2) seek help to either work through those fears, or at least be able to articulate them in a meaningful way, then I would agree with you 100%. The fact that he isn’t addressing them head-on in an honest way is what concerns me the most about this situation.

    Post # 157
    Member
    848 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: January 2010

    @jjmomma: while I agree that someone who doesn’t want to get married could still be a great, loving, committed partner; what I do not trust is the fact that he goes back on his word with no explanation to the OP – this to me shows little consideration for his partner’s feelings and leads me to think that he is not ready for the commitment itself.

    Also, to me, if the person has this irrational fear of getting married, I would want this to be worked out prior to planning a family with that person because it is a major issue – I would want my baby daddy to work on his fears and be able to teach our young ones that you don’t go on in life avoiding what you fear, but you face it and overcome it.

    Finally, I am not necessarily telling the OP to run; just that planning a family should really not be on the table until their differences are settled because as of now, both have such different priorities, it doesn’t jive together and it wouldn’t be fair to have children in that particular situation right now, since they aren’t on the same page.

    they have to work to be on the same page and if it turns out to be impossible, yes, maybe the relationship needs to be reevaluated before they jump into lifelong commitments, whether it be marriage or children.

    Post # 158
    Member
    3696 posts
    Sugar bee

    @jjmomma: They’re good parents who want to get married and can’t. The OP’s SO does not want to get get married. I find it to be an apples to oranges comparison.

    Post # 159
    Member
    848 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: January 2010

    Also, it seems odd to me that the OP’s SO has the type of personality who always fears the worst case scenario when it comes to marrying her, but his thoughts about having kids are all sunshine and rainbows? How come he’s not scared about all that could go wrong raising children; how come he only fears being tied to her?

    Post # 160
    Member
    2160 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: March 2011

    @Lemma:  I hear you, but at the time I thought I had all kinds of logical reasons why marriage wasn’t neccessary.  My thought was that maybe a man who wanted commitment and children might have the same qualities I did, when I fought getting married.  I’m definitely not advising OP to have a child with him at this point.  Just wanted to voice the other perspective.

    ps~ thank you bees for giving my thoughts a fair listen…

    Post # 161
    Member
    2160 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: March 2011

    @Aure:  It’s not a comparison of the choice of marriage and the lack of a right to do so.  The point was that lack of marriage does not = damaged children/ unhealthy parenting. 

    Post # 162
    Member
    1851 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: November 2013

    I’m going to be a small minority on this but I don’t see anything inherently wrong with having children or trying to have children before marriage.  Marriage doesn’t prove that there’s commitment, the divorce rates are really high and yet there are kids in those situations.  Ideally, people would get married, never divorce, and have children but that’s not what happens.  There are many reasons why people may choose to have kids before marriage, one of them is the insurance issues in the U.S.  In many states, pregnancy is only subsidized for women who are unmarried, not that I believe women should actively try to conceive on assistance.  If I were less-than-honest, I could conceive on my parent’s insurance and have excellent coverage (100% childbirth covered by insurance and infertility treatments covered).  I’m not going to do that and my Fiance believes that sex/children are for marriage, it’s not something I would pursue unless my SO was on board.

    Post # 163
    Member
    107 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: April 2012

    I voted other. In my relationship with Fiance we want to be married first so I really can’t say never, when in fact, we have thought about it…for a whole 4 seconds…but thought about it.

    In OP’s relationship from what I read and understand, I would say never. It sounds like he wants a “lease” agreement. Which is fine…if his partner felt the same way. Everyone has non-negitoables when choosing a partner. Marriage and children are included in those. If my partner did not want to get married, I would seriously have to consider my relationship, and I would have a hard time having a child. As other posters have said there are certian securites that come with being married for both parties.

    In this particular case, OP would get health insurance coverage and the chance to be a Stay-At-Home Mom and start doing some photography. OP’s Fiance would rights to his wife/childs hospital rooms, and a substansial tax break for being the primary/only income with 2 dependents. Just to name a few on both sides.

    Worst case says without marriage he can walk away from OP and child, but at the same time OP can walk away with child and he has very few rights (especially if she does not file for child support). Some posters have talked about her rights when he walks away…but not his. There also is other considerations to take into play. Like child pick up from school/daycare/camp etc. If he is flying with the child alone, (assuming the child has her name) He has to have special paperwork from mom saying she is allowing this, as well as having a copy of the birth certificate.

    There is just a lot to consider, and I am not sure that if I was in OP’s shoes I would feel secure in a commited relationship without marriage. I also do not think OP’s Fiance has considered everything about having a child without marriage either. 

    Post # 164
    Member
    2160 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: March 2011

    @mckernae:

    View original reply
    @mommytobee:

    He definitely needs more insight and to be able to give her clear reasons why he doesn’t believe in marriage.  If counseling would help him understand the feelings motivating his beliefs, all the better. 


    I guess what I’m doing is projecting my own situation on the OP’s SO, b/c my partner (now DH) and I were on the same page, we just read the page a bit differently.  He wanted to get married and I didn’t.  In everything else we were considerate of the other’s needs, loyal and respectful.  And I have to say, he was also considerate of my feelings on marriage.  Obviously, we worked it out, but at no point was it a matter of leaving the relationship.  We were in it for the long-haul, come what may.  Maybe we are a rare exception to the rule, when it comes to one partner not wanting to get married.

    Post # 165
    Member
    848 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: January 2010

    Oh, and finally (I think)… OP, I know that this is not exactly the subject and probably not what you would like to hear. Also, each situation is different and only you know your relationship…

    But I was with a really great guy before who had the same arguments as you SO for not marrying me (meaningless paper, etc). He did say though that he would marry me if it was important for me.  For me, this was not enough. I wanted to marry a man who wanted it just as much, or at least that I wouldn’t have to convince. I couldn’t live all my life doubting and thinking that I twisted his arm to be with me. So I walked. I realized later that so many things didn’t jive between us and a big part of that was his selfish ways. He was perfectly happy in the relationship but never had to compromise because I would always put his needs first.

    Then I met my husband, and he was fine marrying me or not, as long as he was with me he had all he wanted. I told him from the beginning that marriage was important for me and he never argued it because he was HAPPY to get married if that meant he could spend his life with me. I can’t begin to explain how different those two relationships feel; and I really hope that you get to experience what it is to have someone who doesn’t make you feel guilty for having your needs.

    Anyway, as I said before each situation is different and you will know deep down what is good for you. But what you said earlier struck a cord with me and I wanted to share part of my story with you because I feel that marriage is important for you and you deserve to get exactly what you want out of life.

    Post # 166
    Member
    3696 posts
    Sugar bee

    @jjmomma: Lack of commitment can though. The OP’s SO doesn’t seem committed and that’s what myself and PPs are getting at.

    The topic ‘He doesn’t care about getting married, just wants to make babies.’ is closed to new replies.

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