(Closed) He doesn’t care about getting married, just wants to make babies.

posted 10 years ago in Babies
  • poll: Would you TTC before getting married?

    Yep, I would/ I already did this

    I would really consider it/I may have considered it before we got married

    I doubt it, but there's a tiny chance depending on the circumstances

    Never (tell me why!)

    Other

  • Post # 167
    Member
    2160 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: March 2011

    @Aure:  I definitely see your point, and I’m not trying to say that point is wrong.  My suggestion is that lack of wanting to marry might not be a lack of commitment.  It is safer to err on your side, though, as we can’t know the whole story over the web.

    Post # 168
    Member
    828 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: January 2013

    I was some what in this situation. But my Fiance understood that I wanted to get married no ifs ands or buts. I want me and my children to share my last name. If we were not married our children would take my last name unless we were to get married. 

    That was my thing.

    Post # 169
    Member
    1523 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2011

    Don’t sell yourself short!  Don’t settle!  He’s sticking to his guns.  You stick to yours! Why is it okay for him to get all of what he wants and you get none of what you want? You’re influenced by his ideas.  Why isn’t he influenced by yours?  

    Post # 170
    Member
    2546 posts
    Sugar bee

    This is crazy. The OP and her SO are on completely different pages, why bring a child into the mix on purpose?

    Post # 171
    Member
    592 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: February 2012

    I’m going to disagree with PP. Some people don’t agree with the institution of marriage and that’s 100% ok. Maybe he’ll change his mind once you get pregnant or have a baby? Maybe not, but it doesn’t change the fact that you love each other and want a life together.

    Post # 174
    Member
    3696 posts
    Sugar bee

    @gocubbies: Obviously I can only base my responses on what has been presented to me and, based on what you’ve said in this thread, I don’t believe that he is truly committed to you. I don’t think you believe it either.

    Post # 175
    Member
    134 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    Your guy needs to speak to his HR. Factors that will affect whether or not you will be covered- state law, company policy, insurance policy, how long you have been living together, and if he can legitamately claim you as a dependent. My FH has me on his insurance and we won’t be married til next August, but have lived together a few years now. If policies all ceck out your man should add you on as soon as he can as at least a good faith show

    Post # 176
    Member
    41 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: November 2009

    You’ve said you’re making a big sacrifice by agreeing to this. Why do you need to be the one to sacrifice?? and such a big thing!!!

     

    I honestly wouldn’t even consider it.

    Post # 177
    Member
    41 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: November 2009

    @Aure: Just as a side note.. when this subject is brought up, he reminds me always that he is committed in so many other ways and he isn’t going anywhere. It’s tough for me to swallow, but he makes good points. We have combined finances, 2 dogs, a full time photography business together..

     

    So surely it won’t be too hard for him to marry you??? If he’s that committed and you firmly say that it’s not an option for you not to get married, I’m sure he will come around to it. Don’t settle! Don’t let him change your mind with his faulty reasoning!

    Post # 178
    Member
    388 posts
    Helper bee

    @gocubbies: Hmm… So he talked about getting married with you just to make you feel better while you were worried about him possibly cheating? I understand that he wasn’t but I don’t think that’s the right way to get your mind off of something.

    I mean he just caused another problem by doing that. He planted the seed that he’d be okay with marriage someday. I mean you two even set a date together. That’s just like rubbing candy in a kids face and never giving it to them. 

    Also… if he knew about your experience with your past boyfriends… he should have been comforting by doing little things that matter. Like showing you how he thinks of you throughout the day… like giving you full disclosure to his emails or whatever so that you can build on any trust that you might have lost. 

    I’m sorry… I just don’t really think that it’s cool the way that he talked about it with you and then never followed through. 

    Post # 179
    Member
    361 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    For me, babies are for marriage. Don’t get me wrong, I have plenty of friends who have children outside of marriage, most with no intention of marriage, at least for the forseeable future and I don’t want to offend anyone-each to their own, totally. But it would never ever occur to me to actually try for a baby before marriage, let alone without  the intention of being married one day soon. The child deserves the stability of married parents. Yes, some people who are unmarried stay together for life, but I think it’s quite rare. But this also stems from my Catholic views on the permanence of marriage, that plenty of other people don’t have. Arguably, if you think divorce is an option further down the line then my argument is totally void! But- I think the child deserves, at least, that the parents try their very best for a permanent marriage, as to me the ideal of family life is married parents and their child(ren).

     

    Post # 180
    Member
    788 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    I think it’s sweet how much he wants to start a family with you. However, DH refused to have kids with me before marriage because he has a daughter with a girl he had been with for a few months, and she walked out whenever she felt like it. She took his daughter and left, then would come back for 2 weeks, then would have been cheating on him and left again, and did this repeatedly for about 3 years. She just did not take him seriously, once she had his child as leverege she did absolutely anything she wanted and kept stringing him along. If she was his wife and she tried this, there would have been actual consequences for her actions. She wanted a baby and a guy waiting in the wings and never wanted the commitment to him as a person. For this reason I think it’s always safer to make it legal.

    Your Fiance does not sound like he would ever do anything like this, but there is something more secure in some people’s minds about marriage. Things will get hard and sometimes people’s mentality is different when they’re actually married, they don’t just up and leave when things get tough. That being said, there are plenty of people who walk out on marriages without ever trying, and people who work their asses off to make it work without ever getting married.

    Just do what’s right for you, it depends on the couple. If you need to be married to feel right having a child with him, he will understand.

    ETA: Just saw your comment about how he would have proposed if you hadn’t worried he was cheating, hadn’t talked so much about marriage… So he’s withholding marriage as a punishment? That sort of makes it sound like he’s keeping you in check…

    Post # 181
    Member
    726 posts
    Busy bee

    did he think of the worst possible scenario for having a baby before your married? Like he may decide to up and leave, which he would still be required to pay for the baby. Which he may or may not choose to do. Like I said before, my friend’s boyfriend wanted a baby, they had one, 6 months later he decided it wasn’t for him, began denying the baby, took it back, and then knocked someone else up and disappeared into the universe. Doesn’t pay child support because no one can find him (probably slid back under the rock he came out from). Luckily she found someone else and her child loves this man and calls him daddy, but she still says why doesn’t my daddy love me. At 7 years old she shouldn’t have to feel that way, but it was easy for him to just up and walk away. Because I saw this and the hurt it has caused, i would never TTC before I was married. I don’t want to be put in her situation where you tell your young child that he was just a sperm donor. Not to say it doesn’t happen to married couples, but it’s not as easy to just walk away.

    I just think it’s interesting that he creates a worst scenario for everything, but having a baby.

    Maybe just lay off the wedding talk and I personally would say no to TTC. Unless its something you BOTH want. You don’t want to resent your SO especially if he gets what he wants and your still waiting around for what you want.

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