(Closed) He doesn’t care about getting married, just wants to make babies.

posted 10 years ago in Babies
  • poll: Would you TTC before getting married?

    Yep, I would/ I already did this

    I would really consider it/I may have considered it before we got married

    I doubt it, but there's a tiny chance depending on the circumstances

    Never (tell me why!)

    Other

  • Post # 182
    Member
    2160 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: March 2011

    @gocubbies: I think you just answered this for yourself… there doesn’t need to be a debate on how committed he is, or conclusions drawn from an emotional moment none of us witnessed.  Here’s the wisdom you need~ in your own words:

    I feel that getting married before thinking about having children is much less of a compromise for him that it would be for me.

    Big hugs!  I changed my mind for love and he can too.  All my theories and rebellion meant less to me, finally, than honoring my life with him… be patient, keep building your life together and don’t make babies yet.  Trust yourself hon…

    Post # 183
    Member
    1830 posts
    Buzzing bee

    Sounds like you guys still have a few talks to have. 

    He said he was going to propose but then didn’t because you got upset, is that issue resolved or does he still have hesitations?  If it spooked him out of proposing he should have addressed the issue long before now, it sounds more like an excuse and a way to put the blame on you for him not proposing.  

    You said you guys had set a wedding date without a proposal but then he got upset that you were talking about marriage?  I just don’t understand that one.

    His reasoning for not getting married sounds like he’s scared you’re going to take his money, but he wants you to have his kid and stay home with the kid…..I’m not sure but this just sounds bad, there’s prenups and such, but if you’re going to start a family yes a portion of his paycheck should always be going to his family.

    Post # 184
    Member
    315 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    In the end you have to do what is right for you, and you have gotten a ton of great advice already.

    Just a little story of my own…

    My dad is completely against the institution of marriage.  When my mom got pregnant with me (unplanned) she wanted to get married and he did not.  He didn’t believe that they should “conform” to the pressures of society just because there was going to be a baby involved.  My mom put her foot down because she was thinking that I would be ridiculed in school (we lived in a very conservative area where ALL of my classmates’ and friends’ parents were married), and she wanted our family to have the same last name.  Marriage just meant SO much to her.  So, shortly after I was born, they got married.

    This was something that my dad felt so strongly about, I don’t think he ever got past it.  But my mom felt so strongly about it as well, they were just on different pages.  Their marriage got very rocky when I was about 10 and when I was 13 they divorced.  My mom eventually remarried and my dad has a long-time girlfriend (I see them staying together but they will never marry).

    I don’t think I would have minded growing up with parents who weren’t married (and it is definitely a different world today).  I already got rididuled in school by other kids because my parents weren’t married when I was born, so I don’t think it would have been that much worse.

    I know the situation probably isn’t really the same, and my parents definitely had other issues as well, but this one was big for them.  When two people both feel SO STRONGLY about something but are on completely different ends of the spectrum, sometimes it’s so hard to come to a compromise without one or both people being unhappy.

     

    I really hope things work out for you!! Hugs!

    Post # 185
    Member
    1373 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with TTC before marriage, but I do think it’s a bad decision in your situation.  For one, you’ve made it very clear that you’re compromising and if you have children it will be while feeling like he’s not fully committed to you in the way you want him to be committed.

    More practically, because you want to be a SAHM/work for yourself in a field that may not be all that lucrative for awhile, you need the financial protection of being married to him.  You need the health insurance his job offers, the opportunity to collect off of his social security earnings record should you end up being financially dependent on him while raising his children.  You should be filing taxes jointly, looking at your situation as a truly shared household in the eyes of the law. Yes, he talks about his coworker whose wife is entitled to 1/2 his pension and sometimes those settlements are totally unfair, but in your situation you need that sort of financial protection because you’re potentially giving up years of earnings to raise children with him. 

    You’re feeling emotionally vulnerable because you feel like he’s putting his needs first and refusing to make a commitment that you want/need and now he wants you to be financially vulnerable, too?  If you were intending to continue working full time and continue to be able support yourself, then maybe it would be something you would work through and around if he’s committed in other ways, but in this case I say do not let yourself get manipulated into this.

    Post # 188
    Member
    2357 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: February 2012

    To me, all there is to this entire argument is the one fact: you want to get married. 

    This isn’t a choice like “I want chocolate ice cream” or “honey, let’s get the blue couch instead of the green.”  Marriage (and parenthood!) is a lifelong commitment.  You want to legally and emotionally bind your life to someone else’s, and I don’t think you’ll feel fulfilled unless you do so. I don’t think there is any sort of “fair trade” where you could make an adequate compromise with your SO, because there isn’t anything he can give you that is on the same level as marriage. 

    For the child’s sake, I wouldn’t start trying to conceive. You all need to find an adequate way to work through your disagreements before you can stand as a united front and be adequate parents. 

    (Additionally, I’m Catholic.  For me, divorce isn’t an option and there are only children within marriage.  I realize you are not Catholic– correct me if I’m wrong– and you may have different views on marriage and child-rearing! Regardless of religious beliefs, I think you and your SO aren’t on equal footing and you won’t be genuinely happy unless you get the security and fulfillment that comes with marriage.) 

    Post # 189
    Member
    727 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2011

    No WAY would I be onboard.  I’m not saying this is how he would be, but he would have all the freedom in the world to have a baby, stick around for however much he wants, then up and leave you with a baby.  Not that that doesn’t happen in marriage, but…you know.

    What’s that saying about cows and milk and he can’t have one if he doesn’t do something?  Am I thinking of two different quotes? 

    Anyway…for some people it works out just fine I suppose, but personally…YOU want ME to push a baby out of my vagina?  You can get married to me.  Thank you!

    Post # 190
    Member
    2357 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: February 2012

    @soon2bhis: the saying is “why would he buy the cow if he gets the milk for free?” 

    Post # 191
    Member
    895 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: January 2012

    @gocubbies: I never understood the “meaningless piece of paper” “we love each other and that should be enough” argument. If it’s that unimportant and doesn’t define your relationship, why not take a day, go to a courthouse and get the “meaningless piece of paper” and spend the rest of your lives loving each other rather than debating marriage and stalling things? Why do you have to have such a stance about something that “shouldn’t matter”?

    Anyway, clearly to you it does matter. Don’t settle when it comes to something like this.

    Post # 192
    Member
    727 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2011

    @bookworm88: Thank you!

    It’s not fair for him to take the easy way out, unless it’s truly something you want.

    Post # 193
    Member
    359 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: March 2011

    At the core of all this, he’s leaving himself an out.  Even if everything is combined, even if he has every intention of staying, the part that bothers me is that somehow, the thought of NOT being married makes being committed to you easier.

    Its actually not an uncommon issue.  He wants all the trappings of marriage, but not the legal and moral responsibilities attached to it.  Why?  Because when you’re married, your spouse and your family and your community suddenly have expectations of you.  Its not just me and my girlfriend anymore.  Its my WIFE.  And now I’m the HUSBAND, and this is PERMANENT, and people have all these expectations of me, and it starts to feel a little uncomfortable under the collar. 

    He can say he’s committed all he wants, but its definitely easier to break up with someone and say “I was with my girlfriend for a while, but it just didn’t work out” rather than explain “my wife and I divorced after X years of marriage.”  A divorce connotates failure.  A breakup just means you made a mistake.

    In the end, all this means is he needs to either man up and be prepared to take on some responsibility or stop trying to convince his girlfriend that she doesn’t need to be married.

    Post # 194
    Member
    2404 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    Well I read most of the first page. And me and Fi and a Surprise baby then our second daughter was planned. and No we are not married yet… Our timelines of wanting another baby and being able to plan the wedding were a little off. So baby came first. 

    I hate how everyone says I know so and so they had a baby and they were not married and the guy ran away… Well this happens with married people with children too! (for example my Bio dad)

    You have to do whats best for you and him. If you two want a baby before or after you get married. No one on a website can tell you what will work for you! 

    (And for the Bee’s that say OMG the gossip Fi has one of the biggest Gossip familys and want to know what Who cares they will always have something to gossip about baby or not!)

    Post # 195
    Member
    788 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    @MsPanda: I think your case is a little different because you are committed and marriage is in your plans. The examples given about people who have a child with someone they’re dating then one person runs off speaks more to the question of “how can he be ready to commit to having a child with you but be scared to commit to you?” The OP’s man promises to propose then takes it back, has vague reasons for not wanting to be married etc. so these are simply warnings that she should have her eyes open.

    I don’t think anyone means that couples that aren’t married can’t make it, but OP has doubts and the PP’s want her to trust her gut.

    Post # 196
    Member
    1 posts
    Wannabee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    Sorry for my ignorance guys, but what is TTC?

    The topic ‘He doesn’t care about getting married, just wants to make babies.’ is closed to new replies.

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