Post # 47
Regarding insurance, if you become his domestic partner, I believe that allows you to be put under his insurance and get all the benefits that you would get as a spouse (I think).
That being said, and please don’t take this the wrong way, your boyfriend sounds like a complete and total asshole. His reasons for not wanting to get married are that he doesn’t see what a piece of paper will change? That’s not really a reason to NOT do something…if he doesn’t think it’s a big deal, then why won’t he do it because he knows it’s important to you? It sounds like he doesn’t care either way, not that he’s firmly against the institution of marriage.
Also you said: But it’s a lot easier to give up and stop trying and just walk away when that religious and/or legal commitment just isn’t there. Yes. So true, and i think deep down that’s part of his reason.
Does this mean that he doesn’t want to get married because he WANTS it to be easier to walk away if there’s a problem??? If so, that’s not the sort of person I would personally want to be in a relationship with.
As other posters have said, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having a baby before/without marriage if both people are on the same page. If you also felt very indifferent about marriage, that would be one thing. But you obviously want to get married, and I think his position of seemingly stringing you along by saying, “We will get married…at some point” is extremely selfish.
Post # 48
I personally am glad that we waited until we were married before getting pregnant. I guess am just old fashioned that way because in my mind marriage comes first and then a baby. Its so much simpler that way.
Post # 49
I voted never. I’m not religious at all so its more that in my mind the plan was always college.live together.marriage.baby Aside from the fun party and all the legal benefits I would want to get married first as a sign of our commitment to our relationship. If both sides of a couple don’t want to get married and want children I see no issue with that. That does not seem to be the case for you.
If marriage is such a meaningless piece of paper then why are gay people fighting for the right to marry?
Also he *thinks* his insurance will cover you?? Ugh babies are not just for fun, clearly he hasn’t realistically thought this out. If you file for a domestic partnership his insurance MAY cover you. At the very least make you sure you 100% straighten out the insurance situation before TTC.
Post # 50
I voted never because children are generally so much more a burden on women than men, in terms of time, money and energy. While we’ve come a long way, women still do the majority of childrearing. If he’s asking you to commit to all that is involved with children, he can suck it up and marry you if that is what is important to you. IF you are truly fine with not getting married then more power to you, but I just don’t see it working for me.
Post # 51
Honestly, in most cases this would be a deal breaker for me. My husband and I were together for 6 years before he proposed. Were we in a committed relationship? Absolutely. Did we at times act like we were “married”? Sure! Buuuut the day he proposed was so special because he was ready to take our relationship to a whole different level. He was ready for me to take his last name, for us to join two families together, and to become one. He was ready to say “I want to be with you forever”. We then celebrated this committment at our wedding. Being married is amazing. I love the subtle changes like hearing him say “my wife”, and noticing a wedding band on his finger. Marriage is a lot more than a piece of paper. It’s symbolic, it’s meaningful, it’s celebratory, it’s not always easy but it’s worth it.
Now on the other hand, there are some people who are perfectly ok with not getting married, but if there is ANY doubt in your mind, please think it through. It truly is an amazing thing.
Post # 52
Also I just looked back on some of your previous posts and it sounds like you were REALLY excited about getting engaged. Please don’t try and convince yourself that this is something you don’t want because I don’t want you to regret it or become resentful. Good luck in whatever you decide. 🙂
Post # 53
My vote is “no” just for the legal aspect. It is 100% possible to not be married and be in a committed relationship with kids. However, that has the best chance of working if both partners are on board and both believe in their reasons for not being married.
I am sure you have talked about this a lot, but when one party in a relationship doesn’t believe in marriage and the other does, the one who doesn’t should be able to clearly articulate his/her reasons for not wanting to get married before anyone decides one way or the other. The legal aspects of having a kid and property in domestic partnership definitely are different than those of marriage, so IMO it’s best to have a clear cut reason why.
Post # 54
I wouldnt and if Fiance would have said that he didnt believe in the instatution of marriage I would have been so sad! The thing is what is it about marriage that he doesnt believe in? The life committment? The paper you sign? I mean I feel like you make your own mold for your marriage not one marriage is the same as another! There are some complications with that if something were to happen to you or him when you are young and you have not put in writing etc that they can make decisions on your behalf in a hospital that could be an issue! Especially if you are the only one around. Also it seems like you want to get married! If that is the case then you deserve to be with someone that wants to marry you as much as you want to marry him. There needs to be some kind of compromize. its you want to get married he doesnt and thats that. He wins hands down? Thats his wants sure, but what about your wants and needs?
Post # 55
I might but the child would have MY last name.
Post # 56
1. To me, having a baby is a greater commitment than getting married. It involves the life of someone else for whom you are responsible for 18+ years (really a lifetime tie), while marriage just involves two people. I personally would not willingly choose to have a baby with someone who refused to get married to me. We would not be on the same page regarding the value and importance of marriage and he would have demonstrated that my needs and desires were less than his. (I could live indefinitely with someone – but not choose to get pregnant while unmarried.)
2. Marriage brings a host of legal benefits. You would not qualify for a common law marriage in the states because generally, one requirement is that you need to consider yourself married and two that you hold yourself out to be married. Legal benefits include: insurance, right to visit in the hospital, right to social security, right to inherit from each other without taxes, etc. I strongly urge you to look these up yourself to decide if you are ok forgoing them and if not, to show your bf. (Easiest place to find this information is a same-sex webpage for your state. 🙂 )
3. Marriage brings a host of social benefits. Some people feel it is ok to not invite unmarried partners to social events such as weddings. Some parents (mine!) would freak at the concept of their child “permanently living in sin.” Some corporate cultures look down upon unmarried partners – particularly those with kids together. And sadly, some friends feel that way too.
4. Choosing to commit to being a Stay-At-Home Mom to someone who did not choose to commit legally to me through marriage is very very scary thought. Even if he didn’t walk away, he could still be killed and you wouldn’t have the right to sue on your own behalf or collect social security from the government. He is leaving you extremely vulnerable. I would strongly urge you to continue working (even part-time) and not be a Stay-At-Home Mom to protect yourself.
Post # 57
Personally, I wouldn’t do it. My ex wanted to do this and I said no (so glad I did as we are no longer together).
Also one of my best friends has done this (she has 2 children ages 2 1/2 and 7 now) and they are still together but she now wishes they were married. She feels awkward refering to him as her “boyfriend” when they go to school functions. Also, now her older child is starting to bug them about getting married because all her friends’ parents are married, and she doesn’t understand why they aren’t.
Just another aspect to think about.
Post # 58
Ha, I’ve already told my Fiance that I think any kids of ours should have MY name not his (I’m keeping my name), on the theory that carrying them for 9 months entitles me to naming rights. The idea that kids always have the last name of the father always rubs me the wrong way. We’ve got friends that are going to have kids, mom & dad all with different names (they are reverting back to a much older form of dad’s last name for the kids).
Post # 59
For me is simple. I DO believe in the institution of marriage. I believe vehemently in in.
If he only “doesnt think” he believes in it, then my conviction is stronger.
If that meant having to move on and find another person to love and love me in the why I believe I deserve, then I would do it.
And as a few others said being a Stay-At-Home Mom means you are giving up the ability to support yourself. He will always be legally required to provide child support, but not alimony should he or you decide to split.
Post # 60
@JoJo Bananas: How can he not commit to you but say that he will commit to a family?
This is why I would say “never.”
and this (for me personally!) 😉 No because it’s hard to TTC when you’re waiting til youre married to sleep together.
Post # 61
We aren’t planning on having kids, and our second wedding anniversary is Monday.
The fact that he doesn’t want to marry you for bs reasons would give me cause to really think if I want to be with this guy. Sorry, but we are NOT put on this earth just to procreate – if that were the case, then we wouldn’t be as evolved as we are, we would be nothing but common apes.
I’m pretty sure he just wants a baby but no marriage so that its easier for him to walk away if need be. You even said so yourself that you think deep down, that’s how he feels. Maybe its time for you to go date an actual adult, so you can see how much of a tool this guy is