(Closed) He doesn’t care about getting married, just wants to make babies.

posted 9 years ago in Babies
  • poll: Would you TTC before getting married?

    Yep, I would/ I already did this

    I would really consider it/I may have considered it before we got married

    I doubt it, but there's a tiny chance depending on the circumstances

    Never (tell me why!)

    Other

  • Post # 78
    Member
    1212 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

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    @gocubbies:

    Tell him that you will sign a prenup if that’s all he’s worried about. 

    Post # 79
    Member
    6065 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: January 2012

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    @gocubbies: Well…Big was a total commitment-phobe.

    Do you know the reasons why he associates marriage with so much negativity? Did his parents have an awful divorce? Maybe you guys need a few couples counseling sessions.

    Again, I don’t know your boyfriend…but I think you deserve to be with someone who is totally committed to you. If there are ways you can work this out together constructively, in a manner that will bring you both closer together…then great!

    Just don’t settle for less than you deserve.

    Post # 80
    Member
    3977 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: May 2011

    Having just a legal “marriage contract” with no name changes, no joint taxes, pre-nups, all that jazz—no difference in your lives except legal connection. Even a domestic partnership could be an option.

    I understand that some people don’t “believe in marriage” as an institution, but there are some things that become easier in a long term relationship if you have a legal connection.

    Post # 81
    Member
    6065 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: January 2012

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    @Lemma:

    I mean having a prenup isn’t the problem…when you get married I think you shouldn’t be paranoid that the other is going to divorce you and take half your pension vindictivelly…thats not healthy.

    Post # 82
    Member
    2820 posts
    Sugar bee

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    @gocubbies: raising a child can cause a lot more tension and stress than planning a wedding.  If he can’t survive wedding planning then that’s a pretty good sign there’s some issues to work on before you can be a strong enough of a partnership to raise a child together.  

    Post # 83
    Member
    5843 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: May 2011

    “I think he is just scaring himself out of it and is making every excuse in the book he can think of.. ??’

    This, all I’m reading is “excuses, excuses, excuses”. It just seems like he’s afraid of committment, which makes the whole baby thing even odder. That is a HUGE committment.

    Post # 85
    Member
    157 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    What you said makes me uneasy, but maybe I’m misinterpretting: “…because I want it, so he is willing to make a sacrifice there.”

    The babymaking issue aside, he is not sacrificing anything by considering marriage just because it’s something you want. He should be honored, and you shouldn’t be made to feel any thing less than awesome by the man that wants to make babies with you.

    So, I voted never. I know unexpected things can happen and no one can see the future, but I personally wouldn’t bring a baby into this world unless my s.o. committed to me first.

    If he’s having a hard time committing to you, how do you know he will then commit to the baby? 🙁

    Post # 86
    Member
    2410 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

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    @gocubbies:

    Based on what you have said, DEFINITELY I wuold strongly consider not TTc anytime soon. He still needs to work through all his commitment issues before you bring a child into the picture. PLease don’t settle for less than you deserve, you will resent him for it.

    Post # 87
    Member
    6065 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: January 2012

    View original reply
    @gocubbies: I’m so sorry, but to be honest- that just doesn’t sound healthy. The totally negative perception of marriage and the resistance to couples counseling just does not sound healthy to me at all.

    Of course, if these are issues and qualities you are willing to look past or deal with, then that is your decision and I wish you the best.

    But I will speak to you as I would speak to a dear friend: Proceed with caution. You deserve the best.

    Post # 88
    Member
    6065 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: January 2012

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    @troubled: Very good point!

    Post # 89
    Member
    2140 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    For me, personally no. My husband and I were together for almost 10 years before we got married. We always knew we would be together forever. We waited for marriage not because of us but because of outside reasons. Had we gotten pregnant prior to engagement it would be a no biggie. Both families would have accepted that towards the end. But we would not have intentionally TTC prior to marriage. We always joke with each other that if were not for those outside reasons we would likely have 2 kids by now. But those were choices we both made together.
    I don’t know really why even though I know this is the man and life for me. For me I guess logically it’s dating then marriage then kids if I had a choice in planning it.

    There are plenty of couples out there that never get legally married and have a family together and are very happy. But I think what’s important is that they are both on the same page on that subject. I remember seeing you from my planning days and I feel YOU want the marriage. Even though I don’t know you personally I feel like you are not on the exact same page as your BF on this matter. And to make something like this work you have to be.

    Minus, the emotional aspect of it is the legal and financial aspect. As not married unless you live in a state that recognizes domestic partnership you get nothing. No rights as a wife if god forbid something where to happen to him. Are you OK with that?

    I hope you two find the best solution that works for you both.

    Post # 90
    Member
    4474 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 2012

     You guys live together, right? His life isn’t going to radically change if you guys get married.  His life will stay the same, if anything  there will be greater benefit.  Only downside is it will be harder for him to walk away.  In which case you don’t want to be married to this guy anyways.  What WILL radically change his life is having a kid.  And you’re going to be making a lot of sacrifices for the sake of being a Stay-At-Home Mom.  Something like that deserves some sacrifice from his end, too.  If he wants to spend the rest of his life with you and have kids, he needs to suck it up for your sake and the sake of any children you guys have.

     

    Sorry this is so long, but a real world example.  My friend is engaged to a guy with a kid.  Years ago, guy was feeling low, so he decided he and his gf at the time would have a kid.  Deep down, he knew things weren’t right with her, but he wanted a kid so badly he ignored it.  Baby was born, guy and gf broke up, little girl’s 2 or 3 now.  I think it was easier for him to push for a kid, because the consequences of walking away weren’t as big as if they’d been married.  This guy’s matured a lot since then (having a kid will do that to you), but it’s a tough situation for everyone (at least it will be when she’s older).  Point being that procreation is not something to be taken lightly, and when it is taken lightly by immature people, the outcome isn’t good for anyone.

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