Post # 92
Oh honey! What he is telling you is EXACTLY what my youngest daughters father told me too. He didn’t “believe” in marriage ( even though he’d been married before) but he “loved” me.
I bought into the “someday” we would get married if nothing else because I wanted to. We got pregnant right away with my daughter. We then only lasted about 1 year from when she was born. He didn’t want to deal with real life of bills, baby duty, jobs, and all that fun stuff. So, we broke up when he cheated. He has now not seen her in more than 2 years and she has no idea who he even is anymore. No memory of her father at all.
Please, Please be very cautious about this decision. I know it’s hard to imagine your SO doing something like that but it was hard for me at the time to think my EX would do that to me. But, he sure did.
Post # 93
I just want to add another perspective… I’m not disagreeing that lack of commitment to marriage could be a red flag for commiting to children. I’d have to know alot more about the guy to make that correlation. So it is a fair consideration based on what we across the internet know.
But. I was fully capable of committing to raising my children in a monogamous relationship with no “easy-outs” and I was the one willing to live-together rather than marry. To each their own. Plenty of people rush into marriage, have children, and displace their lives with divorce. At least he’s cautious and questioning. He can question marriage and still be as completely commited to her as we’d want a husband to be. (At this point, he doesn’t realize what he’s missing out on, and she does.)
The issue comes down to legalities and the needs of both parties concerned.
Post # 94
The only way this will actually work and not cause a ton of problems is if you don’t want to be married as well. You would have to be ok with the idea of never getting married and based on everything that you’ve said I don’t think that’s the case.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with him not wanting to get married. It’s his choice regardless of the reasons.
What you may want to discuss is how this will effect the child. You’ll be teaching your children that marriage isn’t important. They will also have to explain to everyone that you’re not married and that’s why Mommy’s last name isn’t the same. You will have to decide who claims the children on their taxes. In some states your boyfriend will also be required to pay you child support even thought you live together. There’s all kinds of silly little things that will make life more interesting if this is your choice.
Post # 95
That made me smile! “let’s shoot for, let’s shoot for… ” Big hugs to you both! Learning what makes the other tick is a huge part of a successful relationship. 🙂
Post # 96
I have mentioned couples counseling and he is totally against it. I figured though, he’s pretty old fashioned in the sense if you can’t fix it yourself, it doesn’t need to be fixed. He does not see our relationship as having issues, he is perfectly fine with all aspects and sees no need to go to a counselor.
This to me is a pretty big indicator of his inflexiblity. Inflexible people do not make the best parents (believe me, I was raised by one). If he wants to have kids (married or not) I would ask him to see a counsellor to discuss his aversion to compromising.
I personally wouldn’t have children before marriage because if the man can’t make a life-long commitment to love me, I’d never be too sure of how genuine his life-long commitment to his children would be. Also, the social stigma (because whether people want to believe it exists or not, it does) and sheer confusion for the child as to why mommy and daddy aren’t married, why mommy doesn’t have the same last name, etc. are reasons why I would not have children before marriage.
If he loves you shouldn’t marrying you be a top priority rather than a requirement he has to fulfill to get to a baby?
Do what makes YOU happy!
Post # 97
I’d sign a pre-nup if it’s his pension he’s so concerned about. Maybe remind him as the mother of his children, you’ll get quite a bit in child support and may just end up with half his pension in payments anyway…I dunno. It sounds like he’s not thinking about a long term stable relationship with you, it sounds like he’s thinking of worst case scenario type things instead of living happily ever after. It sounds like if things ever got too “real” he’d bail. What if your child (god forbid) had challenges, was autistic, was mental handicapped in some way, would he stick? Or would he bail? What if you got sick? What if you got into a car accident and needed a wheelchair? I’m 100% not saying that marriage will gurantee you someone who sticks. A lot of guys and girls bail when things get too hard, marriage or not. BUT he’s not even willing to look at you honestly and say he’ll try in good faith.
IF he comes around and does want to marry you, maybe he’s worried about the pagentry of it all. I don’t think there’s anything wrong or less meaningful about a small JOP wedding. Just a thought. Best of luck.
Post # 98
I personally wouldn’t have children before marriage because if the man can’t make a life-long commitment to love me, I’d never be too sure of how genuine his life-long commitment to his children would be.
I don’t mean to sound rude, but a commitment to a child and to a wife are not even close to the same. Remember that a marriage can end in divorce at anytime and although it’s unfortunate there really is no such thing as a lifetime commitment to a spouse. Anyone at anytime can get out of it. Having a child is a totally different animal and that love and commitment for most people is not a “choice” it’s something that comes with the birth of a child (and sometimes before that). The fact that he wants to have children now is already proving his committment.
Post # 100
I truly do believe he’ll be here always, marriage or not. I really do, he’s a ginuine person and was raised with a great outlook on life and solid morals. BUT.. it is in his nature to think of “worst case” for eeeeeverything. We can’t leave the dryer/dishwasher running while we’re gone. He will never ever let us leave on a “sour note” because what if it’s the last time we ever see each other? His brain works in a very different way than mine. I’m pretty careless and absent minded 🙂 Kinda like Ben Stiller in Along Came Polly, but he’s not THAT bad. He’ll eat nuts at the bar.. lol.
Post # 101
I totally understand what you’re saying, but I’m speaking more from the sense that marriage shouldn’t be looked at as something you can walk away from- it should be treated as a life-long commitment (obviously different from having children, sorry to compare apples to oranges- my bad).
Men are biologically driven to procreate, so I don’t necessarily see that as a commitment to OP, but as a commitment to be a father. He could just as easily leave her and sue for custody at some point if he feels the institution of the family didn’t suit him either. I may be wrong, I’m not saying I have any level of exceptional insight here I was just answering her question as to why I personally felt the way I do.
Apologies for my sweeping generalization though.
Post # 102
I don’t understand why he’s willing to commit to children with you (a much larger commitment than marriage), but not get married.
While I don’t believe there’s anything wrong with having children unmarried, it sounds like you want to be married and he has some sort of issue. I would not get pregnant until this is resolved.
Post # 104
I have seen many people have children and then walk away from them. Just because they are yours does not mean you automatically love them and want them to be yours forever
Post # 105
I was with DH for 10 years before he proposed. I never pressured him about marriage – though we did talk about it – but I did make it clear that I didnt want children before. I grew up with happily married parents and want that for my children, where as he grew up with a single mom working 2 jobs. I know marriage isnt a sure thing but I take the commitment and the vows I took very seriously. I think that unless you’ve been married you cant say how important that piece of paper is to you. I actually felt different after our ceremony.
I think you need to talk to him about why marriage is important to you. Men cant read minds and I swear they think we think along the same lines as them…which is sooooo not true.
Post # 106
well that’s a given. However, we don’t know those situations. I have friends who have children and the Dad’s are not around however, those fathers didn’t want those children. They didn’t ask for them. They also weren’t living with the Mom’s in most cases. Those children were not planned. I also have men in my life where Mom’s have also walked away.