(Closed) He doesn’t care about getting married, just wants to make babies.

posted 9 years ago in Babies
  • poll: Would you TTC before getting married?

    Yep, I would/ I already did this

    I would really consider it/I may have considered it before we got married

    I doubt it, but there's a tiny chance depending on the circumstances

    Never (tell me why!)

    Other

  • Post # 107
    Member
    330 posts
    Helper bee

    I’m with most of the other PP… I voted “I doubt it, but tiny chance” because I think there’s always an exception to the rule, but in general I personally wouldn’t even be thinking about a baby until after marriage.

    As others have said, having a baby is a much bigger committment than getting married. You can get unmarried, but you can’t undo becoming a parent. It changes your life in a much bigger and more permanent way than getting married. And at 25 and 29, you guys have SO much time. It doesn’t seem necessary to rush into it before making a lifelong committment to each other.

    The other thing that gives me a lot of pause is that you mentioned wanting to be a Stay-At-Home Mom. I think you should consider the worst-case scenario of what would happen if you gave up your career to raise the child and then the relationship falls apart. You would be on your own, out of the workforce for several years, and hoping that you’ll be able to get child support from him. If you’re married, you will have a lot more legal protection in this scenario. I know we all want to love and trust our partners 100% and think nothing bad will ever happen, but a lot can change over the course of decades. It’s like getting insurance: you don’t think your house WILL burn down, but if it does, you want to be protected.

    Post # 108
    Member
    1277 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: January 2012

    I agree w/ Orion 

    I would never have babies with him w/o marriage….if he loves you that much he can and should be willing to marry you…Marriage is important to you, therefore if he loves you he should honor your wishes as you are honoring his wishes for having children with him

    Post # 109
    Member
    3942 posts
    Honey bee

    My answer is no. And honestly, not believeing in marriage is a deal breaker for me.

    Post # 110
    Member
    74 posts
    Worker bee

    To be completely honest it doesn’t sound like you two really want the same things in life and should really re-evaluate your relationship.  If you have a kid with him without marriage it sounds like you many endup keep pressuring him for marriage and if he doesn’t want to then you may end up resenting him and if he does marry you even though he it isn’t what he completely wants he may end up resenting you.  It doesn’t sound like you are on the same page or want the same thing in the long run.  It would probably for the best for you to leave now (without the bond of a child who will forever be placed in the middle) and find someone who actually wants the same things out of life as you. Wht force soemthing that you dont really want when you can find someone who actually has the same goals as you.  If you don’t even have the same beliefs in marriage how do you plan on find ways to agree and compromises on raising a family?

    Post # 111
    Member
    2583 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    View original reply
    @mwitter80: I know plenty of people whose fathers wanted them at first but still left. Many haven’t seen their father in years. And while I don’t know any personally, yes mothers can leave too. And while being married and having a child aren’t the same thing, they are both commitments to a family and personally, I couldn’t have one without the other, and it sounds like OP has similar feelings.

    Post # 114
    Member
    1086 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    View original reply
    @hilsy85: Totally agree.

    Post # 115
    Member
    74 posts
    Worker bee

    Are you sure he isn’t just telling you what you want to hear?

    Post # 116
    Member
    330 posts
    Helper bee

    “For me, this is the weirdest thing. We were both on board with getting married about a year and a half ago. We set a date, etc. Well, he didn’t propose and therefore we never got married, and I’ve been in “limbo” ever since.”

    Hmmm…. this would be troubling to me. The idea of setting a date before proposing seems backward to me, but I’ve read about it on other WB threads so it seems to work for some couples. However, if you were at the “setting a date” point, and then he changed his mind, he REALLY owed you an explanation as to what happened, and what his concerns were. But he just “didn’t propose” and you never had a conversation about it? I think you deserve to have someone be more upfront with you than that.

    Post # 117
    Member
    1077 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2011

    @gocubbies:  If you are on weddingbee, and he needs to make excuses for not proposing, it sounds like you are really not getting the security that you desire in your relationship. For me, that would be completely incompatible with deciding that the time was right to make a baby.  

    I would be more likely to hit up the sperm bank and choose single parenthood than enter into parenthood on shakey ground with a partner.

    He doesn’t seem to be giving you a good demo of how he’s going to create stability, peace of mind, compromise, and happiness for his family post baby if he is digging his heals in on marriage.  You will NOT have the same level of protection if he dies and you’re not married.  Ask any same sex widow(er) whose non-legal spouse has died.  You can have powers of attorney and good wills, but his next of kin will not be you, and you will not have access to his social security.

    Post # 118
    Member
    1227 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    It sounds crazy to me that he wants to start TTC, but he’s not “ready” for the commitment of marriage. Does not compute in my head at all.

    To answer your original post, I would only start TTC before marriage if the date was set, the invites were sent, and I was 100% sure the guy wasn’t going to back out. And even then, probably not. I want the firm commitment of marriage before I start procreating with someone.

    Post # 119
    Member
    3979 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    For us, the timing just wasn’t right. I still want children BADLY but accoring to the other half of my baby making team, we aren’t ready still…

    Post # 120
    Member
    5667 posts
    Bee Keeper

    If he’s not willing to consider your wants and needs then I don’t think this is a wise decision. If you honestly didn’t care about getting married I would probably say go for it. You’re both consenting adults, you can do whatever you want to, but if he can’t commit to a “meaningless piece of paper” I don’t think it’s wise to have a child with him. I personally would not even give it a second of consideration.

    Post # 121
    Member
    236 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    No. Other than a happy mistake, no. I want a husband, not a baby daddy. I want to know that he can’t just randomly leave me and a baby without jumping through some major hoops.

    For me the bottom line is that I wouldn’t be comfortable with it. It isn’t what I want, and it isn’t who I am. And my DH knows that and didn’t push. And that man has baby fever! 🙂

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