Post # 107
Member
330 posts
Helper bee
I’m with most of the other PP… I voted “I doubt it, but tiny chance” because I think there’s always an exception to the rule, but in general I personally wouldn’t even be thinking about a baby until after marriage.
As others have said, having a baby is a much bigger committment than getting married. You can get unmarried, but you can’t undo becoming a parent. It changes your life in a much bigger and more permanent way than getting married. And at 25 and 29, you guys have SO much time. It doesn’t seem necessary to rush into it before making a lifelong committment to each other.
The other thing that gives me a lot of pause is that you mentioned wanting to be a Stay-At-Home Mom. I think you should consider the worst-case scenario of what would happen if you gave up your career to raise the child and then the relationship falls apart. You would be on your own, out of the workforce for several years, and hoping that you’ll be able to get child support from him. If you’re married, you will have a lot more legal protection in this scenario. I know we all want to love and trust our partners 100% and think nothing bad will ever happen, but a lot can change over the course of decades. It’s like getting insurance: you don’t think your house WILL burn down, but if it does, you want to be protected.
Post # 108
Member
1277 posts
Bumble bee
I agree w/ Orion
I would never have babies with him w/o marriage….if he loves you that much he can and should be willing to marry you…Marriage is important to you, therefore if he loves you he should honor your wishes as you are honoring his wishes for having children with him
Post # 109
Member
3942 posts
Honey bee
My answer is no. And honestly, not believeing in marriage is a deal breaker for me.
Post # 110
Member
74 posts
Worker bee
To be completely honest it doesn’t sound like you two really want the same things in life and should really re-evaluate your relationship. If you have a kid with him without marriage it sounds like you many endup keep pressuring him for marriage and if he doesn’t want to then you may end up resenting him and if he does marry you even though he it isn’t what he completely wants he may end up resenting you. It doesn’t sound like you are on the same page or want the same thing in the long run. It would probably for the best for you to leave now (without the bond of a child who will forever be placed in the middle) and find someone who actually wants the same things out of life as you. Wht force soemthing that you dont really want when you can find someone who actually has the same goals as you. If you don’t even have the same beliefs in marriage how do you plan on find ways to agree and compromises on raising a family?
Post # 111
Member
2583 posts
Sugar bee
@mwitter80: I know plenty of people whose fathers wanted them at first but still left. Many haven’t seen their father in years. And while I don’t know any personally, yes mothers can leave too. And while being married and having a child aren’t the same thing, they are both commitments to a family and personally, I couldn’t have one without the other, and it sounds like OP has similar feelings.
Post # 113
Member
1313 posts
Bumble bee
@Mrs. Maple Syrup: For me, this is the weirdest thing. We were both on board with getting married about a year and a half ago. We set a date, etc. Well, he didn’t propose and therefore we never got married, and I’ve been in “limbo” ever since. I don’t know what happened.. I honestly think he was never ready for marriage but “thought” he was at the time. And now he has just been making excuse after excuse instead of straight up telling me he’s not ready to be married. Which is fine with me, I can wait but I just wish he would be honest. I don’t know what his big turn off is — the committment, the whole “show” and planning of a wedding, the thought of divorce. etc etc.
We are on the same page about almost all the “big” things in life. Except for this one. And it’s becoming an issue more as time goes by. We have talked openly about finances, raising children, where want to settle down/raise a family, what kind of house we’d like to buy, life goals/plans… all that yummy stuff. And we agree on 90% of it. But for some reason, marriage just seems to be this elephant in the room for us. :/
Post # 115
Member
74 posts
Worker bee
Are you sure he isn’t just telling you what you want to hear?
Post # 116
Member
330 posts
Helper bee
“For me, this is the weirdest thing. We were both on board with getting married about a year and a half ago. We set a date, etc. Well, he didn’t propose and therefore we never got married, and I’ve been in “limbo” ever since.”
Hmmm…. this would be troubling to me. The idea of setting a date before proposing seems backward to me, but I’ve read about it on other WB threads so it seems to work for some couples. However, if you were at the “setting a date” point, and then he changed his mind, he REALLY owed you an explanation as to what happened, and what his concerns were. But he just “didn’t propose” and you never had a conversation about it? I think you deserve to have someone be more upfront with you than that.
Post # 117
Member
1077 posts
Bumble bee
@gocubbies: If you are on weddingbee, and he needs to make excuses for not proposing, it sounds like you are really not getting the security that you desire in your relationship. For me, that would be completely incompatible with deciding that the time was right to make a baby.
I would be more likely to hit up the sperm bank and choose single parenthood than enter into parenthood on shakey ground with a partner.
He doesn’t seem to be giving you a good demo of how he’s going to create stability, peace of mind, compromise, and happiness for his family post baby if he is digging his heals in on marriage. You will NOT have the same level of protection if he dies and you’re not married. Ask any same sex widow(er) whose non-legal spouse has died. You can have powers of attorney and good wills, but his next of kin will not be you, and you will not have access to his social security.
Post # 118
Member
1227 posts
Bumble bee
It sounds crazy to me that he wants to start TTC, but he’s not “ready” for the commitment of marriage. Does not compute in my head at all.
To answer your original post, I would only start TTC before marriage if the date was set, the invites were sent, and I was 100% sure the guy wasn’t going to back out. And even then, probably not. I want the firm commitment of marriage before I start procreating with someone.
Post # 119
Member
3979 posts
Honey bee
For us, the timing just wasn’t right. I still want children BADLY but accoring to the other half of my baby making team, we aren’t ready still…
Post # 120
Member
5667 posts
Bee Keeper
If he’s not willing to consider your wants and needs then I don’t think this is a wise decision. If you honestly didn’t care about getting married I would probably say go for it. You’re both consenting adults, you can do whatever you want to, but if he can’t commit to a “meaningless piece of paper” I don’t think it’s wise to have a child with him. I personally would not even give it a second of consideration.
Post # 121
Member
236 posts
Helper bee
No. Other than a happy mistake, no. I want a husband, not a baby daddy. I want to know that he can’t just randomly leave me and a baby without jumping through some major hoops.
For me the bottom line is that I wouldn’t be comfortable with it. It isn’t what I want, and it isn’t who I am. And my DH knows that and didn’t push. And that man has baby fever! 🙂
