(Closed) He doesn’t care about getting married, just wants to make babies.

posted 9 years ago in Babies
  • poll: Would you TTC before getting married?

    Yep, I would/ I already did this

    I would really consider it/I may have considered it before we got married

    I doubt it, but there's a tiny chance depending on the circumstances

    Never (tell me why!)

    Other

  • Post # 122
    Member
    7768 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2010

    I actually took a class and read a book of studies and research done about contemporary American society and the benefits of being married before having children.  The book actually talked about the benefits of being married in general.  It was a thorough study and investigation that showed these results; marriage helps both individuals and society.  It was pretty interesting!  If you are interested, I can try to find it in my stack of books for you.

    First comes marriage.  Kids deserve and need to be raised in an environment where their parents tied the knot.  I don’t think that having kids (prior to marriage) should even be considered prior to marriage.  It isn’t fair to you, and it is not fair to the child. 

    Post # 123
    Member
    3518 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: March 2012

    Has he said why he wants children so badly?  Is he looking for the idea of having children, like weekend soccer games, etc?

    Post # 124
    Member
    281 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    I would never in a million years consider trying to have a baby with someone before we were married.  My father was married twice before he met my mother.  He had three children between the two wives, and walked out on each of them when the kids were toddlers.  My parents were not married, but he still left when I was very young.  So if someone is determined to walk away from a family, I don’t see that marriage, or lack thereof will make much of a difference.

    I think that when you decide to have a baby, you are promising to love and be there for them for their whole life.  Before I make that promise with someone to a new life, I want them to be committed enough to me to be able to promise the same to me (and vice versa), in front of our friends and family.  When I think of the important parts of marrying my husband, it isn’t the paperwork we signed, its the promises we made to each other that day.

    Post # 125
    Member
    7581 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2010

    I’m surprised by all of the answers that say no. Everyone realizes that if they are having premarital sex that they are agreeing to the chance of having a baby out of wedlock right? Unless you’re all stating you would have an abortion if that happened (which I see nothing wrong with, I’m just attempting to clarify) Or perhaps everyone is a virgin.

    Post # 126
    Member
    5843 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: May 2011

    View original reply
    @mwitter80: No, I make a distinction between an oops baby and actively trying to conceive. I think everyone understands bc is not 100% effective

    Post # 127
    Member
    2657 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    View original reply
    @mwitter80:I think its planning to have one before versas accidents. I think thats what alot are saying. Alot of them arent planning to get pregnant. I think. Though if someone is having sex before marriage, pregnancy can happen.

    Post # 128
    Member
    2790 posts
    Sugar bee

    Don’t even think about it from your point of view or your SO’s. Think about it from your child’s point of view. What lessons will your son or daughter learn about marriage if their father has these feelings? Do you want your son to believe that marriage is not important? Do you want him to believe that his feelings should come before his future spouses? Do you want your daughter to feel that her feelings towards marriage are invalid if she wants one and that she should put her dreams aside because her future spouse thinks marriage is just a piece of paper? Would you want your future child to have a child out of wedlock?

    Also, as a child of divorce, seeing your parents not fully committed to one another does a number on you. My parents divorced by the time I was a month old and it has had an extreme effect on my life. Would you want your SO to just be able to walk away from you and the child if he wanted to or would you want it to be difficult for him to leave so that he really had to think long and hard about why he wants to separate from you?

    Personally I would never have a child with my SO before marriage because I need the validation that he cares so much for me that he is willing to make that forever commitment to me even if he feels he already has and he doesn’t think it will make a difference. He should care enough about me to know that he wants to bind himself to me in a lasting way. If your SO is already worried about you stealing his pension he doesn’t have any trust in you to begin with. This is not a situation you should willingly put yourself into.

    Post # 129
    Member
    2790 posts
    Sugar bee

    View original reply
    @mwitter80: If we accidentally concieved a child we would keep him or her but that would make it all the more urgent to me that we need to get married ASAP so that this child has a stable home of a mother and father who have made that life long commitment to one another. The only reason we are not married yet is due to money and not due to either of us feeling marriage is not important.

    Post # 130
    Member
    281 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    View original reply
    @mwitter80: I think the key word in a lot of responses is trying.  While birth control can fail, it’s pretty effective at preventing pregnancy.  And I’m sure there are a lot of couples that are waiting.

    Post # 131
    Member
    2550 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    @gocubbies:  I wanted to try immediately after we decided to get married but DH refused to even begin before we were married.   If we weren’t going to have children, I would’ve been fine being in a “committed” relationship. DH required marriage, period.

    I would be heistant of having children w/ any guy who didn’t want to get married.  Why?  Cause I know a # of women who fell for this ploy.  My gf and I coin them the “Commitment Phobes”.  They promise your undying love but will skip when the relationship isn’t working for them.  Well, being a parent isn’t a relationship you can easily kick to the curb.  Yes, ppl do but I always find it interesting when the absentee father pines over their lost relationship when they are old and grey.

    My Mother always told us that we should get married to start a family.  She also told us to only have as many children as you can care for.  Because you never know what Life will send your way and you can become a single parent in a heart beat. 

    Post # 132
    Member
    2790 posts
    Sugar bee

    View original reply
    @gocubbies:If the two of you cannot get on the same page about something as huge as yes or no to marriage how can you be on the same page as conceiving a human being? Also, how can you not know why he doesn’t want to be married? If you are in a relationship serious enough to conceive a human being you need to demand that he tell you EXACTLY why he doesn’t want to get married. I would be infuriated and sinking my heals into the ground until he explains himself thoroughly before even entertaining the idea of a child. You claim the two of you are on the same page but you are worlds apart on some of the biggest issues.

    Post # 133
    Member
    317 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2010

    i wonder if this guy really understands what having children is like.  Does he think it’s all fun and games, or does he understand that it’s lack of sleep, messy stuff, etc.?

    Post # 134
    Member
    3563 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    View original reply
    @MsBrooklynA: I agree, there’s no way I’d be okay with some vague answer like, “It’s scary” or “I just don’t believe in it”. What does that even MEAN?!

    Post # 135
    Member
    3563 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    View original reply
    @phillygirl629: I was put on my then boyfriend’s insurance as a domestic partner after we moved in together and had a shared credit card, so I know it’s possible–maybe it varies from insurance company to insurance company. I just don’t know for sure if domestic partnership benefits give you the same benefits as spousal coverage. 

    Post # 136
    Member
    2790 posts
    Sugar bee

    View original reply
    @hilsy85: How can you say I don’t want to get married and barely have a reason for it? I would be demanding an answer but I guess some women that are waiting choose to keep quite about the subject and wait for their SO to come around. I don’t know how to keep quiet …Embarassed

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