- 3 years ago
- Wedding: July 2018
I’m sorry if this is long, I’ll try and make it as painless as possible.
A couple months ago, SO and I had a discussion about timelines or, more specifically, my timeline. When I told him my timeline, he didn’t respond negatively but, thinking back on it, he didn’t really respond much at all. At the time I (stupidly?) assumed this meant he agreed. I know, I know — you should never assume.
He talks about marriage and our life together often. He’s a great guy and I trust his intentions; he’s been very clear that he wants to marry me and sees me in his future. However, cue a couple nights ago, my timeline was brought up again and he suddenly admits that he doesn’t know what his timeline is. I felt a little blindsided because, for all the talking we’ve done, he’s never once said this to me. I felt very hurt, frustrated, and a little panicked. I have dealt with anxiety my whole life, so to not feel in control is extremely stressful and tough for me.
He explained to me that his “I don’t know” isn’t about the relationship or whether or not he wants to marry me — he simply doesn’t know when he wants to propose yet, but says he thinks about it all the time. He is extremely detail oriented and takes absolutely everything into consideration before making a decision; he says that he loves me and I just have to trust him and I know he’s right. I feel slightly better after having discussed it, but I still can’t seem to shake this panicked feeling. I had a plan for my life and it’s extremely tough for me to let go of that and relax.
I tried to explain my position to him as best as I could (i.e. feeling out of control because of anxiety). The toughest part is that I know I cannot control another person (as comfortable as it would make me) and we haven’t been together 10 years or something crazy so it’s really okay that he needs time. How do you find a middle ground? Is there ever a compromise that can be reached so one partner doesn’t feel rushed and the other doesn’t feel strung along?
Do I set an internal walk date? Do I tell him, “If you still don’t know by such-and-such time, we’re going to need to have a serious conversation”? I don’t want to give ultimatums or hold things over his head, but I feel like “I don’t know” is only acceptable for so long, and eventually it’s going to be him holding engagement over my head. I want to respect him but I want the same respect in return. This isn’t a decision that is solely up to him, and I’ve let him know that I won’t sit by passively on a major decision about my future.
Have any of you Bees dealt with this? What were some of the things you did to “let it go”? If your SO wanted your timeline to see where your head was at, did he end up respecting it or disregarding it completely in the end?
I think I’ve just read about and heard too many horror stories.