(Closed) He Doesn't Know About Timeline

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
6836 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

How long have you two been together? And, when you talked about your timeline, what was it?

My husband was the guy who could never give me a specific timeline either. He always knew he wanted to marry me and spend his life with me, but he didn’t know when he’d be ready to actually get engaged/married. We ended up dating for almost 4 years before he proposed. Were there times I felt like I was losing my mind? Yes. I talked to him about it each time though. I guess there was something that made me just know that it WOULD happen eventually. I never felt strung along at all. We were on the same page about everything, just not the timelines. I just had to be patient. And it worked out. 

I’m not saying my situation is the same as anyone else’s. You have to decide for yourself what is important to you and what to do. 

Post # 3
Member
2039 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

npoliver :  when I felt like I had no control over the situation, I sat with Darling Husband and said that I could trust him but I wanted to marry him. If it reached a point were I wanted to be married to him and it was negatively impacting what I wanted or me, I would propose to him. Darling Husband didn’t want that at all but I felt it wasn’t just his decision to make. Darling Husband knew he could say no to that proposal but that no would be followed by a serious talk about our future. In that talking he gave me a real reason why he said no, then we’d address that issue and move forward. If it wasn’t a real excuse then we’d inevitably have ended things.

I know you proposing to him isn’t for everyone but for me it helped me take control of my life. I didn’t give him a deadline to work to (although I had an idea in my head that I was going to try and wait until). I had an option available to me and it really helped me to not focus on when he would ask. I told him it wouldn’t be an unreasonable timeline so he had plenty of time to propose to me first as he preferred. 

Post # 4
Member
1272 posts
Bumble bee

He thinks about it all the time and yet doesn’t have any idea about when he wants to propose? Uh, what? He can’t even imagine when it is going to go down? Doesn’t sound like he is very serious, stick to your timeline since he can’t be bothered to come up with his own.

Post # 6
Member
22 posts
Newbee

I have been with my SO for 13 years and I am still just his girlfriend. It is frustrating and I do feel like he holds all the cards and I have no control over that aspect of my life. I am not willing to walk out on him over this, but I am not happy either. Rock and a Hard Place.

 

Post # 7
Member
7767 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

“He explained to me that his “I don’t know” isn’t about the relationship or whether or not he wants to marry me — he simply doesn’t know when he wants to propose yet, but says he thinks about it all the time. He is extremely detail oriented and takes absolutely everything into consideration before making a decision.”

I see this excuse a lot in threads like this…”my SO is totally sure about me, he’s just the type that takes forever to make a decision!”

But there’s an inherent contradiction in what you wrote. You’re sure he’s sure about marrying you, but he takes forever to make “a decision.” What decision does he need to make, if he’s so sure about marrying you? What factors does he need to take into consideration?

Look, if someone is actaully sure about marrying you, they can give you a timeline, and at the minimum they can give you realistic, concrete reasons why they  need more time. Reasons could be: saving up for a ring, being able to afford a wedding, wanting to finish grad school first, etc. 

But your partner isn’t giving you any reasons. He can’t say he’s sure you’re the one and he wants to marry you in one breath, and “I need more time to consider things and make my decision” in the next. It doesn’t add up. It’s bullshit.

Seems to me he’s not actually sure enough to be willing to put a ring on it at this time. And he’s not sure when he WILL be sure…which is why he can’t give you a timeline. If I were you I’d come up with an internal walk date. maybe 3 months from now or so, raise the subject with him again, and if he’s still giving you the same vague wishy washy non-answer, I would seriously consider leaving, cause ain’t no one got time for someone who just isn’t sure about them.

Post # 9
Member
6836 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

tiffanybruiser :  “I see this excuse a lot in threads like this…”my SO is totally sure about me, he’s just the type that takes forever to make a decision!”

But there’s an inherent contradiction in what you wrote. You’re sure he’s sure about marrying you, but he takes forever to make “a decision.””

I get what you’re saying, but this isn’t the case with everyone that feels this way. Maybe they have a certain idea in their head of things they’re supposed to complete before marriage (money, schooling, jobs, etc.), maybe they have a negative connotation with marriage, etc. And even if someone is sure, it doesn’t mean they have to be ready to marry you right that second. I’m not saying this is true in this case. I have no idea what’s going on in OP’s bf’s mind, but I see this advice so much on these boards that if he can’t give an exact timeline or isn’t ready right now then he never will be and it’s discouraging. Some people just don’t think in those terms (timelines).

Now, OP has to decide where her limits are obviously. But I don’t automatically think him not being able to give her an exact timeline is absolutely horrible. It’s not like he said he doesn’t even want to think about it for several years or something. He could wake up tomorrow and realize he’s ready to propose. 

ETA: I’m not saying this is the case for OP’s bf. He could be stonewalling her. Who knows. I’m just a bit saddened by some of the things people on the waiting boards say sometimes. I know for a fact if I was on these boards back when I was waiting (thank god I wasn’t!) I would’ve been told numerous times that marriage was not in my future. 

Post # 11
Member
7767 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

npoliver :  Re your update, all relationships are different, but I think 1.5 years is plenty time to get engaged, and definitely plenty time to talk timelines. How old are you two? I got engaged to my fiance after just over a year of dating, but we were in our 30s…not exactly spring chickens, and we knew what we wanted.

As far as your FI’s family…I can definitely relate as my family is very similar. Family pressure can be an overwhelming force. That said, in a healthy relationship, both partners need to prioritize each other over their parents, which sometimes means literally breaking your parents’ hearts with a decision you make.

I also didn’t want to upset my family by moving in with my fiance before we were married, even though I personally have no issues with “living in sin” lol. But it was very important for my Fiance to live together before getting married…actually he wanted to move in together before getting engaged. I realized that in refusing to back down on this point, I was prioritizing my parents’ happiness over my partner’s…given that the only reason I was hesitant to live with him was because it would upset my parents. So we decided to compromise….we lived separately until he proposed, and then I moved in with him. 

I would ask your partner if he’d be open to something like that (assuming he ever finishes “deciding” when to propose). If he’s not willing to budge on living together before marriage, and is also not willing to budge on giving you a timeline for marriage…then IDK where that leaves you bee. Actually I know exactly where it leaves you: limbo, a passive participant in your own future.

Post # 12
Member
7767 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

llevinso :  I hear what you’re saying too, but what disturbs me about the OP’s post is that her boyfriend won’t even give her any concrete reasons for his reluctance to set a timeline. You say “Maybe they have a certain idea in their head of things they’re supposed to complete before marriage (money, schooling, jobs, etc.), maybe they have a negative connotation with marriage, etc.” 

Those are the same reasons I listed in my post as to why someone might delay…and they might be valid reasons, in many cases. But he’s not listing those reasons, or any real reasons. He’s just stonewalling her, from what it sounds like. Which puts the OP in a really tough spot.

Post # 13
Member
6836 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

npoliver :  “I think there’s a certain amount of fear mongering that happens on here.”

Yes that’s exactly what I was trying to get at. Not that sometimes it isn’t warranted, but I feel like a lot of these situations are more gray and hard to figure out. As long as you know what YOU want and have a plan in place, I think that’s a good way to go. Best of luck to you!

Post # 14
Member
864 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

npoliver :  He insists on it being a complete surprise and you not knowing anything, even though he knows it makes you really anxious???  And that you don’t want that at all?  Great guy!!

There is literally NO WAY that a proposal can be a complete surprise at this point, since you’ve talked about it.  Does he not see that you want some agency over, you know, your own fucking life?  You get to choose how your life goes, and he can get on board or not.

Frankly I think he’s just like every other guy we read about on these boards – you’re making excuses for him but he’s acting like a dick.  He just wants to maintain the status quo and likes to keep you on the hook by doing a lot of talking but not following through.  He’ll feed you his line of bullshit for years if you let him, and eventually you’ll either bully him into marrying you or you’ll leave.  In either case you’ll have wasted a lot of time with someone who doesn’t actually want to marry you.  He’s showing you who he is – believe him.

ETA:  The fact that he is putting his family’s “needs” ahead of yours is even MORE reason not to trust him.  I wouldn’t commit my life to someone who cares more about their family’s opinions than mine.  Imagine playing second fiddle to his parents your whole life – don’t think that can happen?  Well guess what – it’s happening to you right now!

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