(Closed) He Doesn't Know About Timeline

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 61
Member
233 posts
Helper bee

poppinbottles :  🙁 I am so sorry you have to deal with this.  I don’t understand why these guys want their girlfriends to be upset and uncomfortable. It makes no sense. How sure are you that he is the right guy? Did you ever think about moving out and asking for some space until its time for you guys to get engaged? My friend did this and it worked well. When is your lease up?

Post # 62
Member
160 posts
Blushing bee

Amy Elizabeth :  That is not a bad idea and something I may do if it comes to that. He does have some very good reasons for not having proposed yet: we are both in graduate school, are graduating in May and he was expecting a hefty signing bonus for the job he is starting in July which he only recieved a few weeks ago (which he better be using part of for my ring…). He has told me not to worry and that he understands my timeline and assured me that I will be happy — he just doesn’t want to discuss it any further than that. I am willing to give him the space to figure it out given these factors, but like the OP I hate being in the dark! I keep thinking about worst-case scenarios where I have to dump him because he won’t actually commit to me after all this. I wish he would just say that I can expect it sometime this year, but his reluctance to discuss concrete details and timelines worries me…

…and then on the other hand if he IS using the money he just recieved to get an engagement ring and planning something I don’t want to be giving him deadlines etc and taking the “romance” out of it… UGH.

Post # 63
Member
691 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

I think he’s telling you what you want to hear, still without giving you any idea of what he’s thinking. Not fair. He needs to be able to commit to some kind of timeline, otherwise you’re in the same boat of waiting indefinitely with no idea of an end in sight. And definitely don’t move in with him until he commits to something. I think your internal walk date is a good idea, as long as you stick to it. You deserve a partnership, not a one sided relationship where he controls everything and you just go along wiht it. 

Post # 64
Member
233 posts
Helper bee

poppinbottles :  does he make you feel bad bringing it up? I think you could also set the deadline in May. Then if you have to walk you could always say look he’s over 30, has had his signing bonus for 5 months, has a job, got his degree, and you guys have been together for years and have a pup and he didn’t have a plan for our future and I felt uncomfortable being with him especially at out age. There’s not one person who would call that unfair. 

Post # 65
Member
160 posts
Blushing bee

Amy Elizabeth :  I think that’s a great idea, especially since we’ll have to commit to getting a new apartment together around that time. 

I don’t think he really understands that I have anxiety about this. Men just don’t get it on a certain level, and we have different ideas about what a real commitment is. He thinks that going to graduate school together, living together, and having a dog together are proof of his commitment. That’s just not the case for me. I see them as signs of commitment but not an ACTUAL commitment.

I could be worrying over nothing, but maybe the fact that I am worrying says something. I like the idea of May – it gives him a very reasonable amount of time and if he hasn’t proposed by then I will have to stop supressing my feelings and at least let him know that I am worried about being taken for granted and strung along and take it from there.

Post # 66
Member
233 posts
Helper bee

poppinbottles :  sounds like a good plan. And remember the more confident that you are and the more that you are willing to walk, the more he will respect you. Remember I’m sure you love him but there are plenty of guys who are looking for a nice girl to take down the aisle. And if you don’t want the same things as your bf you’re not going to be happy.

Post # 67
Member
8425 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

npoliver :  

Dear OP the more you post the crosser I get on your behalf . So now  it’s not just his curious  inabilty to know his own timeline , but also his family who may, appparently fall in pieces if things aren’t  to their liking  .

 And wh is this nonsense about ‘not allowing you to share a hotel room” I thought you said you were in your late 20’s , You don’t need to be ‘allowed’ anything  of the sort!

You have said several times you are not the woman to accept it all being under his control, but  that is exactlly what it is. And you are making excuses for him.

I know  you love him but I think you have to decide is it enough? If it is , take rings, proposals  even marriage  off the table, move in together and accept being banned,  I imagine from ‘being allowed’ to  visit  his family or  having them visit  since you  will be the Scarlet Woman.

  I am so sorry , you sound such a nice person , I wish he was worth it .

Post # 68
Member
1184 posts
Bumble bee

npoliver :  I’m unsure honey. I had this whole situ with my ex, he talked about weddings and our future A LOT, way more than me, but when I tried to gently probe this further, he wouldn’t commit to any timing or anything. Just saying “my long term view is to be with you”. All very vague! This was from 2-3 years together and tbh I’m pretty sure he never wanted to be with me. He was just talking shit. Anyway so I left him and now I’m happy and engaged to a man who proposed after 14 months. 

You have a right to know his plans in terms of timing, and if he won’t tell you them then you will need to tell him your terms. Stick by it too. I know you love him but don’t let him string you along.

 

good luck! x

Post # 69
Member
1011 posts
Bumble bee

tiffanybruiser :  I’m one of those people with an SO who is a ‘slow mover’ and I completely agree with you. My guy takes what I feel to be a long time to process his emotions and sort of ‘catch up’ with me, but as we’ve been together that time is getting smaller and smaller, and he also always communicated, told me what his concerns or hesitations were, and we created plans to work on our relationship and get ourselves to where we BOTH wanted to be for an engagement. 

We’re getting engaged in the next few months, we have the ring, and he’s both excited and nervous to plan a proposal (I don’t need one, but he really wants to do one and so I’m honoring that). 

Point being, once he makes a decision, he’s absolutely sure – none of this “I don’t know” stuff. I think there’s a big difference!

Post # 70
Member
1363 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - Banquet Hall/Conference Center

I thought FredTheBasil’s response was a little extreme. I’m in a very similar situation to you (been together 2 years) and also facing a pretty traditional and religous family (from both sides) so living together is not an option. 

You asked for specific advice. Here’s a tip I’m using: you can think of traditional families as a benefit rather than a burden. Even if I am not the one nagging him about engagement all the time, I know that my parents (and maybe his parents as well) will be. So at some point in the next six months, a solid timeline will have to be crafted just due to our families being involved anyway….so maybe let them do the rest of the pushing instead of you being the one constantly worried? 

Good luck with whatever you decide! I know it’s really hard to not feel in control over your life :/

Post # 74
Member
376 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2018 - City Hall

 

I haven’t read the replies, so don’t know if someone said this

When someone says “I’m sure YOU are the one I want to marry, I just don’t know WHEN.” Usually, means:

1. I don’t know if I’m ready to be married, or if I’ll ever be and I don’t want to tell you, cuz you’ll leave.

2. I don’t know if I’m ready to make that decision, but I don’t want to tell you, cuz you’ll leave. If I never tell you, you’ll stick around.

3. I’m not sure what’s going to happen down the line and I want the option to leave, but I don’t want you going anywhere either.

Of course, people are much more complicated than those 3 reasons, what I mean by them is that the reason is usually something the person who DOES want to get married doesn’t want to hear, so they just go with “I don’t know.” OR it truly is I don’t know, and they haven’t put as much thought to it as you’d think.

On day 1 of my Fiance and I dating I told him I didn’t date to waste my time. I wanted to be someone’s wife someday and dating was a means to find that person, that if at any moment of our relationship one of us didn’t feel like we wanted to get married to the other, we’d walk. Simple. He would have 4 years to find out if I was who he wanted to marry, and vice versa, after, he’d either propose or I’d walk. I was divorced and that past marriage was horrible, abusive and manipulative, so I wanted to experience a GOOD marriage. I wanted to fight over what to eat, and where to put the furniture, not fight over women or cheating, or cry about feeling disgusting because he’d call me horrible names. I wanted a good marriage, so to get to that, I wanted to be a wife. I just had to find the right husband!

He proposed on year 3. Prior to his proposal, we spoke about timeline again, since life changes in 3 years, and he told me “I do want to marry you, but financially we aren’t ready. Couples break up over bills all the time, I don’t want that to be us. Weddings are expensive, and we both want a fancy wedding. I don’t want to compromise on the wedding to avoid debt, we both don’t. I don’t want to get into a hole that will ruin us.” I told him that I didn’t mind being engaged for more than a year, I wasn’t always into traditions anyways lol, to save up for our dream wedding I didn’t mind being engaged for a couple of years, and I guess that’s what he needed to know because he proposed two months later. 

People aren’t as dumb as people think. They know why they want or don’t want to do things.  

Post # 75
Member
233 posts
Helper bee

npoliver :  Can I ask if you guys are getting your MBAs? I have my MBA and if part of the argument on his side is the pressure of being a top MBA, pressure to get a job in IB, whopping student loans, yada yada I would keep in mind that I saw people getting engaged in my program and even having kids/or enrolling as MBAs as married couples with mortgages and obligations. If he is making it like it would be impossible to get engaged try to think about those stories or tell him about people who are able to make it work. Purely just for reference sake, if he pulls the pressure of a top program card, mine was too. People were getting engaged and trying to get jobs at GS. I am so sorry you have to deal with this.

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