(Closed) He Doesn't Know About Timeline

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 76
Member
6836 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

npoliver :  According to your update, it sounds like his big concern is money and finishing school. It seems like he’d truly like to get engaged before the end of 2017 but he doesn’t want to set that specific timeline because he is afraid money-wise he won’t be able to make it happen. How did you feel after the conversation? 

Post # 78
Member
160 posts
Blushing bee

Amy Elizabeth :  

npoliver :  

My SO and I are both in our second year of a top MBA program (we applied and went together), and yes he’s going into IB. But he already did the recruiting and internship and got the offer at a top 3 bank so in theory there is no more pressure.

That said depending on the MBA program and how they do recruiting it can be incredibly high pressure. I know from some friends that IB recruitment (or consulting, etc) varies from school to school. Some recruiting processes require a huge time and money investment and the very real pressure is amplified beyond my own comprehension by all your classmate’s anxiety and gossiping etc. I didn’t even start thinking about getting engaged until after all that was over. We barely had headspace to think about our classes and fitness and other priorities while that was going on let alone an engagement. I know that other people do it (and I saw it happen) but there’s also the “one thing at a time” and “why the rush” mentality.

OP, if I were you, considering the pressure I felt during recruiting for internships and the pressure I know my SO felt, I would focus on being supportive of his goals. It sounds like you have resolved some of your communication issues. Try to table the discussion for now? By your own admission you still have a year or so before you would want to be engaged. Good luck! 

Post # 81
Member
7768 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

npoliver :  I’m glad you were able to have a more productive talk about this, but agree that an internal walk date is still a good idea. You sound like you’re trying to convince yourself that you need to respect his “reasons” as opposed to actually respecting them. I am also confused about the money issue…earlier in the thread you said he’s not hard up for money, but now he’s citing money as a concern…so which is it? Also rings don’t have to cost thousands and thousands of dollars, although that’s obviously a decision you ned to make for yourselves (i.e., is it more important to have some big fancy dream ring, or to get engaged sooner?)

 

akshali2000 :  “So at some point in the next six months, a solid timeline will have to be crafted just due to our families being involved anyway….so maybe let them do the rest of the pushing instead of you being the one constantly worried? “

Yikes! This sounds like a really twisted mentality to start a marriage on. What are you going to do when you and your husband disagree about something like when to have children or when to buy a house? Just wait until his parents can intervene because they’re the ones that truly have influence over him?

Post # 83
Member
1649 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

npoliver :  My Darling Husband and I also attended a top 5 MBA program in the U.S. He would not propose until after he secured his full time offer. The pressure in these programs (firstworldproblem, but still) is IMMENSE. I don’t think your Boyfriend or Best Friend has the ability to think about anything else until the career is secure, and it matters even more for a guy than for a girl. 

Post # 84
Member
245 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Why don’t you ask HIM. If you want control, take it. 

Post # 85
Member
160 posts
Blushing bee

npoliver :  “The issue with tabling the discussion is that he brings it up nearly every day and has for the past few months.”

He’s excited! He loves you 🙂 That’s great. I’m sure you are his source of solace in the pressure, anxiety, and general craziness that the first year of an MBA program is. Second year is MUCH more fun! Best of luck to you both.

Post # 86
Member
7768 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

npoliver :  Well, I agree it’s not for you to decide how he spends his money (although if you’re planning to marry this person I don’t think it’s unreasonable to be somewhat included in major financial decisions). But I don’t like the way you worded this: “If he’s not comfortable with the financial investment of a ring right now, then that’s his choice.”

“The financial investment of a ring” is one thing; getting engaged is another. While he needs to do what he’s comfortable with regarding the finances of the ring, he shouldn’t be the only one pulling the reins when it comes to the engagement.

The engagement is not about the ring….it’s about the commitment you’re making to each other to get married. I just never really understand these situations where an engagement is put on hold for ages and ages due to “the ring” and finances, and the bee is losing her mind over the endless waiting. Like, if it was up to you, would you rather continue waiting around indefinitely for another year or more for him to propose with a really big rock, or get engaged sometime quite soon with a modest rock?

 

Post # 87
Member
2518 posts
Sugar bee

“The issue with tabling the discussion is that he brings it up nearly every day and has for the past few months.”

Just curious — how does he steer the conversation when he brings it up? Is it more abstract “when we get married I’d like to…” or specifically stuff about how excited he is to get engaged, what he envisions the wedding to be like, etc? 

FWIW, I think your boyfriend’s reasons seem reasonable — for a lot of people, men especially, feeling like they are financially stable is part of entering adulthood and feeling like they are ready for marriage. For some people, financial stability might mean not relying on parents and having a plan to pay off debt. For others, it might mean having 6 months of expenses in an emergency fund, a stock portfolio, an IRA, and a steady income. Just because he comes from a wealthy family doesn’t necessarily mean he’s in a good financial position — but even if he has a trust fund, it’s possible he’s trying to prove that he can “make it on his own” and provide for his future family without his parent’s help. 

Post # 89
Member
6836 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

npoliver :  No it’s not just a man thing. I’d honestly feel the same way as he would regarding financials. My husband owned his own house before we got together and yes, since he afforded it on his own before without me, he could obviously afford it on his own WITH me. However I would never feel comfortable with that. Having my ducks in a row, so to speak, is very important to me. I’m a planner and the thought of jumping headfirst into something without a secure plan in place terrifies me. I also have family money, but it’s not mine. It’s my family’s. I do not want to rely on that for anything even though I know that if I ever needed money my parents would be happy to help me out. But I want to make it on my own. Do I know that when my parents pass away I’ll be in a terrific financial position? Yes. But I don’t want to live my life being dependent on them (plus, obviously, I don’t want them to pass away).

I’m not saying you have to be okay with his reasons, but they are good reasons IMO. You have to decide for yourself if you’re okay with waiting or not. 

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