(Closed) He doesn't know if he wants kids (a bit long)

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 18
2268 posts
Buzzing bee

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@katedesaccord:  I agree completely. I hope your talk goes well and you manage to sort everything out. Keep us updated x

Post # 20
324 posts
Helper bee

I haven’t read the other comments, so I apologize in advance if I’m repeating anything they may have said. 🙂

My sister married a GREAT guy…. who was on-the-fence about having kids. 5 years later, they were divorced. Having kids isn’t something you can compromise on. It’s not like adopting a puppy and then bringing it back to the shelter after it pees on the furniture. You need to know BEFORE you say “I do.” 

I was VERY against having kids until about 2 years ago (I’ve been with my BF for 6 years). Understandably, he was NOT prepared to dive head first into “baby world” with me. So it took some time to ease him into the subject, and now he’s fine with it. (I totally point out cute geeky baby things too, lol)

And you’re never truly “ready” to have a baby. If you both got a raise tomorrow, you’d both start living a new lifestyle that takes that extra money into account. You’d go out more, see more movies, buy more clothes.. etc. People adjust like that. There are definitely extremes (like if you’re homeless or cant pay your bills) but generally, when people get more money, they spend more money.  

Also, my mom had me when she was 42, and she hated it. I hated it too. My mom was an “old mom”… she didn’t “keep up with the times” so things like fashion, music, general hanging out with friends, were always met with fighting. Also, she wasn’t as active as the other 30-something moms… so I was pretty isolated. She never ran around with me, or played with me on the playground because she was tired/arthritis/whatever. I’M NOT SAYING THIS HAPPENS TO EVERYONE, I’m just giving you MY experience. Not to mention the instance of Down Syndrome, premature labor, and other problems occur higher in women who give birth over 35.

All in all, I think you need to take time to ease him into it, BEFORE THE WEDDING. This is a decision that needs to be made beforeyou say I Do.

Post # 22
11266 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

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@katedesaccord:  if it’s something that you have your heart set on, then i would be concerned.  you can’t compromise on the non-negotibles in a relationship.

your fi sounds like my dh’s ex-wife before they were married.  she lead him on for 11 years.  my dh really wanted children.  he felt betrayed by her and they got divorced. 

i know there’s a number of couples like this so just make sure you are 100% sure before saying i do.

when i met my dh, i told him that i could not have any more children (i have an adult son).  i knew it was something he wanted so i gave him his out.  he told me that he would much rather be with me and have no children than to ever be without me with children.  he said he chooses me over kids. 

would you be willing to make that sacrifice for your fi should the time come??  i think that’s what you need to ask yourself.

Post # 23
21 posts

From what you say he’s told you repeatedly that he doesn’t think he wants kids.  You’ve mentioned that he’s a very frank individual, which should tell you something.  As much as it sucks, you really need to hear what he’s saying.  I’m not saying dump him, but you definitely need to be prepared for a future where you either walk because he definitely doesn’t want kids, or you come to terms with the idea of not having them yourself.

My ex told me for years that he didn’t want kids, that he thought he’d be a bad father, etc.  But he also was one to joke about what our kids would be like.  The operative word being “joke”.  It was never a serious possibility for him.  I blindly thought he’d outgrow it until I was forced to realize that that simply was not going to be the case.  Ultimately, the relationship ended for multiple reasons, but the kids thing was a big one.  I just couldn’t get behind the idea of marrying him and there being a very possible time limit on the relationship the moment my biological clock started ticking.

I wish you luck and for your sake I hope he changes his mind.  For what it’s worth, my dad was anti-kid until I waltzed onto the scene and he’s the best dad ever.

Post # 24
11735 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think he needs to figure it out and tell you so you can make a decision one way or the other.  It’s not fair of him to say maybe because honestly, I have a feeling at 36, that maybe is more likely to turn into a no than a yes.  He’s 36, if he doesn’t want kids now I can’t see him wanting them as he gets older.  Regardless, you guys need to work that out before you get married if kids is a dealbreaker for you.  

Post # 25
1398 posts
Bumble bee

The man doesn’t want children.  He hasn’t been telling you different things.  You have been hearing what you want to hear.  He never said the word yes.  When a man says “I don’t know” it always means no.

Post # 26
441 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I would be very concerned about how he kind of tried to avoid the topic and said “we’re not ready anyway” when you tried to tell him that having kids is important to you. 

I agree with your plan to be VERY CLEAR with him that you expect to have children by a certain age, even if things aren’t “ideal” to have kids then (because you don’t want him to keep finding excuses for why it’s not a good time to have kids), and that if he isn’t really interested in having kids then you need to know now before things go any further. There are a lot of guys out there who really want to be fathers and it isn’t fair to you if you end up losing the chance to have kids because this guy couldn’t make up his mind or didn’t tell you what he really thinks about not having kids. 

If you guys are getting married, there is no reason that you need to be coy about wanting to have kids with him. You two are working as a team now and you need to have a shared plan for the future. My fiance and I often talk about our future kids and how we want to parent. I think it’s important to discuss such things.

Good luck.

Post # 27
1659 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I don’t think that this is something you can finesse…if he doesn’t want kids, which sounds like the case, finding the root problem and fixing it isn’t really an option. That’s just a pretty way of saying that you’re going to try to talk him into something he doesn’t want. Until you get a “yes, we will have kids because I want them and I want to be a father” (or words to that effect) from him, believe what he’s trying to tell you which is that he isn’t on board with having kids.

And please, please, please…don’t accidentally get pregnant. Even if he’d be okay with it, it’s not going to solve your issue. DH and I had DD unplanned, but we were both on the same page about having kids and he most definitely wanted to be a father. 

Post # 28
6112 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

It sounds like he’s saying the “never say never” ut right now he’s saying not really.

For you, who definitely konws, it doesn’t sound like a good enough answer.

I’m 36 and I never wanted kids, so I’m pretty sure I’m not changing later on.  This is not neccesarily a “problem” that has a root or something to be fixed.  Sometimes that’s just how people are!

I do have friends who are 44 and 46 and their have two little ones – 5 and 2.  He never wanted them, and he flat out says to us, “They’ll ruin your life.”  In his oddly joking way. 

Post # 29
1555 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Having kids is really important to me as well, so I couldn’t be with someone that didn’t know. It’s kind of late for him to be changing his mind & telling you that. Not being ready yet & not knowing are two completely different things.

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