(Closed) He doesn't know what's stopping him. Waiting to get engaged.

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 136
Hostess
4590 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

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indigobee :  One of my best friends is unfortunately in the same boat.  The last time I saw her she wanted me to ask him if he was going to propose… not my circus.  It’s so hard to see friends in relationships like that 🙁 

Post # 137
Member
5996 posts
Bee Keeper

He won’t get engaged without a ring, and he doesnt have the money. Isn’t that convenient? He can keep using the I have no money excuse indefinitely. I doubt that he’ll be willing to to discuss prices and affording a ring, that’s much too real world/concrete for him. He doesnt want marriage in the real world, he can picture it only in fantasy land.

And you’ve been living with him for 2 years? In this case living with him was not in your best interest. What I would do: move out and find someone better. What you will do: nothing, and watch your resentment grow every day.

Post # 138
Member
1258 posts
Bumble bee

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missinthecity :  

It’s so hard because how do you argue with the “But I love him”?

In her case I’m worried that she’s going to end up wasting a few more years growing more unhappy, finally leave and then feel so frustrated that she didn’t leave sooner. It’s not only that she wants to get married and he doesn’t; she also wants to move and travel and he is in a total comfort zone where he is while she grows more lonely, restless and miserable. I don’t like to see it 🙁

Post # 139
Member
282 posts
Helper bee

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desy87 :  This man never runs out of excuses, does he? Find a very cheap ring and tell him that you want that one. If he resists, tell him you will contribute towards the cost of the ring. You need to call out his bullshit.

Post # 140
Hostess
4590 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

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indigobee :  That is really hard.  My friend is in her 30s and wants multiple kids but won’t even discuss getting engaged with her S.O. of 5 years.  I think she knows deep down he doesn’t want what she wants but is too scared to hear him say it out loud.  Also expecting several more years of sunk cost fallacy waiting.  

OP, I agree with PP.  Your boyfriend has an excuse for everything.  I am sorry, but I don’t think three months is going to do anything but waste more of your time. 

Post # 141
Member
2060 posts
Buzzing bee

This is so sad.
OP I know you’re not going to up and leave him tomorrow but I really hope you see this situation for what it is and get angry enough to leave at the end of your new 3 month timeline when he doesn’t propose. 
It just isn’t this hard.

Post # 142
Member
331 posts
Helper bee

I’m sorry to say this but it is better to be single than to be engaged or married to a man who has zero interest in building a life with you. What if this indecision and passive approach to life continues if you end up engaged?

Post # 143
Member
635 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

Please understand that this is not about you being sad or unworthy or less than. This is just about you not being the right one for him and really he’s not the right one for you either. There are so many wonderful people that are just not the right one for each other and it has nothing to do with value. You love and care about him because you have comitted to loving and caring about him and spent years devoted to that. You are not sad or pathetic for that, you have learned how to be in a stable relationship. He has learned from you too. It’s easy, it’s comfortable but ultimately not likely the right relationship for either of you. It’s hard because you care, he doesn’t want to leave because he loves and cares for you (probably). I find it so unlikely that all these men are intentionally and callously stringing all these women along. They’re stringing them along all the same but it’s not some cold calculated move. Give him another chance if you must but it would be a good idea to start making contingency plans for a clean break and a smooth get away. It would be a good idea to expect that this won’t end in marriage and focus on yourself but without making him a bad guy. It doesn’t sound like he’s a bad guy. It’s possible that a new focus on yourself and an expectation that your relationship has an expiration date will make him see you in a new light and change his mind but I wouldn’t count on it or do things with that hope as motivation. Good luck, you are amazing, someone will see it, match it and marry it. 

Post # 144
Member
37 posts
Newbee

Did you find out why he did not want marriage? 

Post # 145
Member
236 posts
Helper bee

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dnm998 :  Why are you bumping old threads to ask your questions? By the way, the OP has a new thread where her bf made more excuses about not wanting to marry. 

Post # 146
Member
37 posts
Newbee

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lavender9 :  I did not see the other thread. I will have a look now. 

Post # 148
Member
21 posts
Newbee

(Moderated) 

Post # 149
Member
892 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2020

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elisa24 :  I think that’s uncalled for. 

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