(Closed) He doesn't mind delaying marriage…relationship advice sought!!

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2555 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I don’t think you’re overreacting, I do think that you guys are in completely different stages of the relationship.

 

I have to ask… why not moving in together as a first step?

Post # 5
Member
1966 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I don’t necessarily think you are overreacting but trying to make wedding plans before he has even proposed is probably putting the pressure on. Thats not a good move. Doesn’t really seem like you are on the same page with your relationship.  He may be ready to say “lets get married” but not actually ready to really take that step. Maybe he thinks if he waits to propose you’ll have to have a longer engagement. You shouldn’t have to convince him to look at venues. I think you guys need to have a serious talk.

Post # 6
Member
391 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I totally understand. I wanted a June 2013 wedding and by the time he proposed (December 2012), it was too late in my opinion for it. (I know it would have been do-able, but we would have had to compromise on some things). I had started looking at venues online and emailing the venues for info before he proposed, but didn’t put deposits down on anything. He knew I was talking to vendors, we already own a home together, have been together for 7 years…

It’s already February, do you really want to plan a wedding for this summer starting now? I just started dress shopping and overheard a sales consultant freaking out (well, not quite that bad, lol) because the bride’s wedding was in June 2013 and it really limited her options.

I would open up to the idea of Spring 2014…it sounds like a long time to wait but it will go by *so* fast once you start really planning. Planning a wedding for this summer sounds stressful to me at this point, and he hasn’t even proposed yet. 

Post # 7
Member
803 posts
Busy bee

I do think that you are overreacting. It sounds kind of like you are trying to micromanage him in this aspect, or that in your effort to seamlessly plan your life, you’re trying to wedge him somewhere in there.

It sounds like you’re a very organized person. But remember, you’re making room for someone else in your life that might not be as organized as you are. And you have to accept that about him, and make room for his needs. Also you really don’t know what he may be thinking. It does seem like he does want to spend his life with you, from the “we have the rest of our lives to spend together” remark. But sometimes men want to do things their way, and sometimes it’s also about pride. By disregarding his feelings about what order he would like to do things in, it removes him from the equation.

It’s kind of ingrained into us from a young age that the engagement, the wedding is all about the girl. But when SO was planning his proposal, I finally understood that it wasn’t just about me. It was about him too. It seemed like he was having a lot of difficulties, and I tried to help him with a lot of suggestions but it only made him more stressed, or sad that he hadn’t thought of the things I was suggesting. He liked my ideas, but he didn’t want to use them, because he wanted to do something that was uniquely all his own. It comes to a point where you just feel like “just do it already”, but the more pressure you put on him, the more stressed he gets about having to make it perfect, or the more resistance he’ll put up.

It’s not a resistance to getting engaged, or married. It’s simply that men also have an idea of how they want to propose, and you need to let him have that moment. Because if he doesn’t get his moment, this could be a issue of resentment in your relationship in the future. Just remember to be patient and let him do his thing when you get frustrated. He naturally moves at a slower pace than you do, so it will naturally take him longer to get it done. Just like there’s only one proposal for us (or supposed to be), he only gets his one chance to “do it right”.

So when you feel particularly stressed, or like he’s not planning with you – just remember that he is probably working really hard to plan the proposal in secret, and you might feel a really big dumbass when he does surprise you.^_^

 

Post # 8
Member
1468 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

Hm, yes you are overreacting and overthinking.  I don’t see the problem of having a year long engagement if he does propose within the next few months like you said.  I can’t blame him for being freaked out that you’re suggesting looking at venues BEFORE HE HAS EVEN PROPOSED.  If you mean what you say about truly wanting to be with him and share your lives forever, then why the rush to start planning the wedding?  I’d suggest tabling the venue talk until you guys are actually engaged.  Doesn’t seem like you have much longer to wait anyway!

Post # 9
Member
1540 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Yeah….men are different than women….I’ve been with SO for 5.5 years and I’m like PROPOSE DAMNIT! And he has a similar reaction. Not that he’s nervous or scared of marriage, but it’s the “what’s the rush” attitude that gets me.

I obviously have no advice, or I’d be engaged lol. Good luck!

Post # 10
Member
27 posts
Newbee

I think you are doing things out of order, and if I were your boyfriend, that would really really frustrate me. I think you should think twice about not wanting to move in together before you get married. It’s another “step” toward marriage that may put you at ease and, in my opinion, it’s good to test the waters before you actually get married.

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