Post # 16
- Wedding: December 2014 - 13th ~ TN
I think you are reading way too much into this and making it a bigger deal than it is.
Not only do I not remember who said it first, probably him, and when we did but I dont remember the first time he proposed. I know it was my 30th birthday but I was extremely drunk. All I know is I woke up the next morning with a ring on my finger.
Post # 17
I completely get that you are a sentimental person, but actions speak louder than words. He loves you, no doubt. The words are mere symbols of his actions.
I really don’t remember when my husband and I first exchanged those three little words, but I *do* remember the exact moment I realized I had fallen in love with him and the moment I realized he loved me. That’s all that matters to me.
Post # 18
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
My husband and I both remember the night I first dropped the L bomb 4 years ago but we don’t agree on the day he proposed to me 2 years ago (and a proposal is generally way more memorable because you get a ring). It’s only an issue if you make it an issue.
Post # 19
I have a great memory and remember the first time Fiance said I love you vividly, so I completely understand where you’re coming from and why you’re upset. But I agree with PPs that the most important thing is that he does love you and he’s committed to you.
What makes someone remember something is not how meaningful it is, but how often they recall the memory. We tend to remember meaningful things because we tell stories about them, not because of the meaning itself. Most guys don’t go around telling everyone the story of saying I love you, so the neural path of getting to that information becomes weak to the point where they can’t recall. So, it’s not that it wasn’t important to him, it’s that he didn’t recall the memory and tell stories about the event, making retrieval too hard.<br />
On the flip side, the more we tell a story about a memory, the more it is reconstructed and subject to change. If the first I love you is something you’ve thought about and talked about often, you could actually be remembering it completely wrong!
Post # 21
Sit down some weekend and have a good old TV marathon of the show “Hoarders” and that hopefully will show you how clinging on to every last tiny detail under the umbrella of “Sentimental value” will one day drown you. That random rock I said I picked up off the ground just for you? it’s fun for a hot minute, and then it is just a rock. And you don’t need to tie yourself down with 100 rocks.
Post # 22
I get where you’re coming from and I say don’t sweat it.
My DH also has a terrible memory while I have a good one. I just look at it as part of the ying-yang of our relationship. I remember the stoies and details. I”m not sure that he would remember the first time we said I love you, although I remember it in detail. It doesn’t mean he loves you any less now, just that he’s a little less romantic in that way.
If you want to make sure those stories stay alive for you guys, tell them once in a while (to others or too each other). It can be really fun to reminess while you two are hanging out with a, “hey sweetie, remember our first date? Oh you don’t? Well let me tell you all about it…”
Post # 23
I don’t remember the first time I told my fiance I loved him, and I’ll bet every last dollar in my bank account that he doesn’t either. The only reason we remember when we slept together was because it was our first date, but neither of us remember the actual calendar date! It’s just not relevant information that stuck in our brains – we know we love each other, the date didn’t matter.
Post # 24
Thank you to everyone for your responses! I feel so silly having to had vent about it but you are all so right 🙂 I do have a way of holding on to little things and my brain turns them into big things.. and next thign I know I am having a full-blown panic! sigh but I am getting betteer at identifying when they’re silly and when they’re not.. now all i struggle with is letting them go (without bringing them up to him), once I realize theyre not a big deal
thank you for your reply..Your post really got me thinking! becuase I have seen the show.. and I think to some extent I am a hoarder! it’s so scary.. not to th epoint of those people, but i feel if I don’t watch myself, I could end up that way! I hold on to drawings, objects, things people give me or that I somehow attach sentimental value to (including memories which I can obsessively replay in my mind at times), it’s like a mixture of OCD, and just the feeling that if I get rid of that object or memory it must mean I don’t care about the person attached to the memory or object.. silly I KNOW! yet can’t stop.. but am trying to becayse sometimes it’s best to enjoy things in the present and then let go… 🙂
Thank you! 🙂
Post # 25
If that’s how you truly feel– like getting rid of that rock means you’re getting rid of Aunt Martha— then please go get into therapy now. Don’t wait. None of the folks on that show started out as all hoardy. They started out keeping a little extra thing here or there, nothing much. It progresses over time. You need to learn that not every occasion is memorable and not every object is important. Saying that you feel like throwing away Aunt Martha’s rock means you’re throwing away her memories is a very troubling statement.
Post # 26
yes! I agree.. so far all I have is one shoe box of cards etc.. but I do agree that it doesn’t feel healthy because of the uneasy/sad feelingI get when I want to throw something away.. it’s not something i usually tell people becuase I don’t want them to think I am insane! but I do see how it could become problematic! Example.. my mom bought me a wallet a few years ago, and I feel I have outgrown it, but I can’t get rid of it and get a new one that I like becuase “my mom gave it to me..” my mom, is alive an dhealthy thank goodness. but yet I feel like a bad daughter if I do! even though she’s never once mentioned it, I doubt she even rememberes the damn wallet haha it’s like I know it’s irrational.. yet the OCD part of my brain is like..”noo.. how dare u you awful person you.. she gave thsi to you.. “.. yeah.. I should probably get therapy haha thanks 🙂
Post # 27
Haha, if it wasn’t for me my Fiance wouldn’t remember anything. Our “love you” story is pretty funny which is the only reason it’s been brought up regularly since then, otherwise I fully believe Fiance wouldn’t remember it at all.
He had night shift and so was going to bed around 9am. I was hanging out at his house since it was closer to work and I said goodnight to him and gave him a kiss and said sweet dreams. He said love you as I was about to walk out the bedroom door, and me not hearing him poked my head back in and said “WHAT???” to which he replied nothing I’m tired I dunno… night haha. By then I realised what he’d said and called my friend being like OMGOD I AM THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVERRR. That night his nightshift got rained off so we had some friends over for drinks and he got pretty drunk. He called me over and was like I’m sorry I said I loved you this morning, but I do and it’s okay if you don’t yet but I really love you. I was like I love you too! I am so sorry I just didn’t hear you properly haha. Fail.
Post # 28
You know, not only can my Fiance and I not remember when exactly we first said “I love you” or the surroundings, neither of us can remember in what MONTH we met! Seriously, he thinks it must’ve been around mid-June because he thinks it was a little after his birthday at the end of May but I don’t even have a marker like that. I suppose I know it was a good few weeks before my own bday in August so yeah, mid-June sounds about right. Not a great story for two people getting married tomorrow!
I do remember our first kiss though.
Post # 29
Aww! Just as the other PPs have said, it’s definitely not a big deal at all.
Interestingly though, our first times were through Skype too! I doubt my SO remembers but I’m just glad he tells me everyday and he means it. And that’s all that matters to be 🙂
Post # 30
- Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA
I thought this was going to be a thread about him denying he ever said “I love you” at all. The fact that he doesn’t remember who said it first is not a problem – like, not even a little. I’m sorry you’re feeling upset, but you are devoting WAAAAAAY too much emotional energy to this.
Take three slow, deep breaths, remember that he loves you now, and let go of this non-issue.