Post # 1
I’ll just get to it here. I love my husband and we have a pretty great sex life. But I HATE receiving oral. Happy to give, really dislike receiving. I’ve made this very clear to him over and over again, yet over and over again he still does it thinking that he will change my mind. It’s gross, stresses me out and I cannot get off on it. Partly because I’m a self-conscious person, part because it’s just…ugh, wet and slimy and the sounds…oh god the fracking sound of it is enough to gag me. How can I be any more clear besides, ‘honey, I know you like to do that, but I wish you wouldn’t because I really don’t like it and don’t enjoy it.’ Is that not enough?
Now, my husband is a very emotional man and dare I say, he has a large ego. Anytime I try to get him to skip that part, or stop doing it, he gets VERY offended, assuming that he’s just bad at it or that I’ve had better or something silly. I truly just don’t like it, it’s nothing personal at all. He also goes so far as to say that HE enjoys it, so I should meet HIS desires. Excuse me??? I’m not a prude by any means, and I let him do a lot of things that many women wouldn’t even consider (which frankly, I enjoy those other things), but the fact that he can’t respect my one request is driving me mad and I’m starting to dread sex altogether.
Help?! I don’t know how to be more clear without starting a fight. Saying what I just said here would crush him and I guarantee, start something I don’t want to, but even being gently upfront about it doesn’t seem to work.
Post # 2
Maybe try speaking to him when you guys aren’t in the process of doing anything intimate? Like bring it up when you guys are hanging out at home and tell him exactly what you told us, that you don’t enjoy it not because you’ve had better, it’s just something you don’t get off on and you want him to stop trying to convince you otherwise. He can’t keep doing something you’re clearly telling him to not do.
Post # 3
This is really troubling to me.
Honestly, if politely saying no thanks hasn’t been working, then you need to stand up for what you want and say it more forcefully. If you really really really want to avoid an argument, then when he tries performing oral for you, say no. If he doesn’t want to listen then shut down everything. Put your clothes back on and tell him that if he can’t listen when you tell him you don’t want something to happen that nothing will happen. Me personally? I wouldn’t avoid an argument. I would say no firmly and if it led to an argument, I wouldn’t let it go until we had both come to some sort of agreement that we were both ok with.
You really have to do something, because the fact that he is completely ignoring your wishes is not acceptable. And this issue is already causing issuesbetween y’all.
Post # 4
This is a situation that is common. I have heard a lot of friends complain about their boyfriends not really getting it when they say something doesn’t work for them.
I think the best way to not offend you’re husband is to talk to him about it when you are not in the middle of the act. Sometimes when you’re in the middle of the act you can really make the other person feel bad by asking them to stop something they are doing. Now, maybe he gets off on doing it which is fine; but you don’t enjoy it and there should be a mutual respect & understanding of that.
The fact he gets offended by you not liking something is a jerk move on his end.
I agree with PP if he can’t listen to no then it’s no for everything until he learns the meaning of the word.
Post # 5
LOL way back when, I had a boyfriend who thought that he could drive me into an aroused frenzy by rolling his tongue around and inside my ear. Which made me shudder with revulsion, the wetness, the sounds, the icky feeling.
He never got it that I hated it, even when I would be shoving him away and yelling “No! Stop! Yuck! That’s disgusting!” I remember him holding me down and tongueing my ear. Lucky for me we broke up and I though good, I don’t have to deal with that anymore.
Post # 6
Thanks guys. And we have had this discussion before while not in the act. He even brought it up a few times asking why I push him away or try to take over when he does that, but end up letting him do it anyway. I told him straight up, I personally don’t enjoy the sensation of it at all, it does not turn me on, it immediately gives me anxiety, it takes me out of the moment and into ‘what bill needs to be paid? Did I get juice for the kids’ lunches?’ but I give in to make you happy because you don’t seem to get it.
I truly thought that would be the end of it. Nope. He tries even HARDER now. I think you are all right. I’m going to have to just put a foot down about this. It’s exhausting to think I have to put up with this the rest of my life. Sex should be fun. Not stressful and downright annoying.
Post # 7
I don’t get off on it, either. It is just so… ick. And boring, frankly. The tongue is just not enough stimulation for me.
Your husband’s feelings are his problem, not yours. You have already made clear that you don’t enjoy it, so maybe next time he starts in, get up and walk away. Ask him if he’d like it if you made him wear a butt plug (or something else he doesn’t enjoy)?
Post # 8
Your husband sounds like a fucking creep. He forces you into a sex act you have repeatedly made clear is unpleasant for you and then gets mad when you tell him to stop? Tells you it’s good for HIM and so you need to just endure it? It’s scary to me that a PP thinks that is a normal way for men to behave towards the women they sleep with.
This is beyond a “request.” Your husband is violating you and telling you your sexual boundaries don’t matter to him. It doesn’t matter if you’re “supposed” to enjoy it and it doesn’t matter if he thinks he knows better than you. You’ve told him no, you’ve told him you don’t like it, the discussion ends there. And yet he’d rather preserve his fantasy that he’s good in bed or whatever than acknowledge that there are some things that turn you off or don’t work for you.
Setting a sexual boundary with a partner should not take more than once and should not inevitably lead to a fight. This is not normal or healthy. You are dreading sex because you are being abused.
Post # 9
You are not alone OP.
I don’t hate it, but it’s not my forte either. It just doesn’t do anything for me……
I instantly tense up, “omg, no…..please don’t…” I quickly get my husbands attention to something else. I never mentioned I don’t like it much because it’s something I can deal with. Thankful he doesn’t enjoy doing it either lol.
I on the other hand love giving….not getting lol
Post # 10
Personally, I thinks it’s concerning and gross that your husband is breaking a boundary that you’ve clearly set. You’ve told him you don’t want it, you don’t like it, and it makes you uncomfortable. So, the fact he pushes forward on it each time is really a red flag. That’s him not respecting your consent or lack of for that matter.
Clearly you need to have a sit down and you need to explain this to him. You need to clearly state he is to never touch you in that way because it’s your body and you’ve drawn the line. If he cannot respect that or it causes fights, this man isn’t a man worth calling a partner. Sorry.
Post # 11
It really sucks that he assumes he knows your body better than you do as an adult woman. You keep telling him it doesn’t feel good and you don’t enjoy and he keeps doing it thinking he can change your mind. He should really just take your word for it and not pressure you into doing something you don’t enjoy. No means no. Perhaps buy a strap on and insist on pegging or something else you know he wouldn’t be into. When he resists tell him you enjoy it so he should meet your needs and desires.
Post # 12
Maybe he feels guilty for receiving if he’s not giving? Or he feels that if he gives then you’ll reciprocate?
Post # 13
“He even brought it up a few times asking why I push him away or try to take over when he does that, but end up letting him do it anyway.”
If you don’t give in at all, maybe he’ll finally understand that you really don’t want it. If you keep giving in, he’s going to think that maybe, just maybe you do like it , a tiny little bit. It gives him hope.
Post # 14
Give him a blowjob with teeth. Tell him that’s what you desire and if he cares about you he won’t make you stop until it’s bleeding.
Post # 15
Say “No”. Dont be ambiguous, don’t give in. If he gets all butt-hurt, let him. It’s your body, your boundaries. If he can’t respect that then he isn’t nearly as great a man as you think.