(Closed) He doesn't see the point in marriage but will do it for me…

posted 3 years ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
801 posts
Busy bee

I’m not sure I have understand the situation fully … What does it mean to be legally together? 

Post # 4
Member
960 posts
Busy bee

So do you plan on staying in Sweden for eternity? You may be “sambo” in Sweden but that doesn’t mean dick anywhere else. 

I get where he’s coming from, but you aren’t Swedish. What if you go to the U.S. to visit your family and something happens. If you’re not married, he won’t be able to make medical decisions for you, to take ownership of any American property, or anything else. It seems insane that he’d expect you to just accept the Swedish way of doing things without any consideration of what it means to you as an American, as a part of your culture as well as the legal structure in the U.S.

Post # 5
Member
171 posts
Blushing bee

My SO also does not find marriage important but is doing it for me. I also grappled with feelings of feeling “unwanted” or worrying that I’m forcing him in to something.

There is a difference between him being indifferent to marriage, and him actively not wanting it/ just being talked into it. In the end, I realized my boyfriend was indifferent; happy to never marry, but aso fine with doing it if I really wanted since he wants to be with me permanently anyways. So I think the key is to determine whether your boyfriend really doesn’t want to or not.

The way I saw it in the end is that if he wasn’t actively interested in marriage and was happy with how things were, I would never get asked… I figured it was therefor incumbant upon me to propose instead! He said if I wanted it, he’d happily do it for me! I know it feels weird since society has basically conditioned us we need to wait around and be sad while we wait for our boyfriends to never propose, but you can ask him! And then you will have your answer! I understand that it’s hard to get past the feeling of not feeling chosen or wanted since he wasn’t the one to ask… I tried to look at it as proof of his commitment to me that he’d do this thing that he knew was so important to me.

That’s just my experience, I know having the women propose is not what feels right for every couple. But just thought I’d share since I was in a similar situation =)

Post # 6
Member
2565 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

It sounds like your SO doesn’t respect your culture & traditions. You two need to talk. Things don’t always need to be about him & his Swedish expectations.

Post # 7
Member
9080 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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luuluu09 :  It sounds like he’s neutral to the idea. So, not that he wants to NOT get married, but he just doesn’t care either way. So you’re not forcing him to do something he doesn’t want to do, you’re taking him up on his offer to do something he doesn’t care about either way. It’s natural that you want him to want it as much as you do, but you can’t make him want it. He’s willing to do it because it’s important to you. That’s not a bad thing.

Post # 8
Member
9080 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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jannigirl :  He says he’ll do it though. How is that disrespecting her? I see it as the opposite. By saying “this isn’t important to me but I’ll do it because it’s important to you” he IS respecting her. You can’t make someone value something they don’t see as valuable. He’s not saying he’s opposed to it or that marriage is stupid and she’s stupid for wanting it. He’s saying it’s not a big deal to him and if it is to her, he’s cool with it. How is that disrespectful?

Post # 9
Member
9575 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

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luuluu09 :  honestly if he’s willing to go to the courthouse even if he doesn’t get the point- that would be enough for me. it’s the guys who say it’s just a piece of paper and yet won’t get said “silly” piece of paper that are not trustworthy. If he wants to have kids and have a life with you, but will marry because it means a lot to you then move forward and make it happen or break up and move on. I would not budge on it- no marriage, no kids. He doesn’t have to “get” it personally, it being so very important to his partner should be enough. 

Post # 10
Member
2725 posts
Sugar bee

It sounds like you’re already pretty much married by Swedish standards, so he doesn’t see the big deal in having a formal ceremony. He has essentially already made the commitment of marriage to you (re: legal protections), which from my perspective is a good thing because it shows he is serious and does want to make that commitment – he alrady did. It sounds like other factors – whether the American symbolism, religious tradition, or just the idea of having a wedding and a ring – make marriage attractive to you, however, and he should respect that.

I don’t think that means he needs to see marriage/engagement as important though – he can understand why it is to you without needing to embody those values. I think it’s fine for you guys to marry because it’s important to you and he is indifferent/sees you as already married. Personally I want to get married, but I’m not the type who fantasizes about my dream wedding or proposal. I just wasn’t brought up to value those things. I want to get married for the marriage, and I could take or leave the wedding. I’ve talked about it with my SO, and HE wants a wedding and proposal. I’m happy for him to propose to me and to plan a wedding, but the wedding at least would be more for him than for me – I’d just assume elope. I certainly don’t think that has anything to do with my level of commitment. 

Post # 11
Member
7547 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

You can’t force someone else to change their values, and his views on marriage don’t mean that he values your relationship any less than if he were thrilled with the idea of marriage.  I think you have to accept that you have different values on this topic, and accept that that’s ok.  He’s willing to accomodate you, by getting married even though he’s not convinced you need to; I almost said “he’s willing to compromise” but he’s not even really comprimising, he’s coalescing.  This is also ok– to him, it’s more important to make you happy than to get his way on this.

My advice: don’t hold him to the impossible standard of wanting marriage as badly as you do; have a wedding, don’t go overboard (remember, he’s really setting his feelings aside to get on board, so be mindful of his priorities when it comes to budget), have a happy life together.

Post # 12
Member
2868 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

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luuluu09 :  I didn’t see the point but got married for my husband.  It’s not a huge sacrifice to make someone happy.

Post # 13
Member
7572 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I guess I’m confused. If being “sambo” is legally the same as being married in Sweden, then why not get married too, since that has cultural significance for you? You say he’ll do it for you, but you also say he’s stressed about it and his friends are pressuring him not to. That makes me think that marriage IS something bigger/more serious than being “sambo”…which is why he’s hesitating. Why are his friends putting the idea in his head that you are “crazy” for wanting marriage, if marriage is not different at all from what you already have?

I guess another question would be: why is marriage so important to you? What will that give you that being “sambo” does not? 

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